Sunday, February 6, 2011

the reasons why.

Someone asked me why I'm so set on killing myself. Why do I want to die? Sitting here and thinking about it, I'm not really sure. I can think of reasons, but are they really worthy of death? Maybe not. All I know is that they are reasons to me.
The Reasons Why:
1.I feel depressed. I have felt this way for a long time. I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. All I see is black, everywhere. It surrounds me. I just want to escape it. I want to be free.
2.My past haunts me. Everything that is real to me, everyone tells me is a lie. It can't be. It just can't be. If I wasn't abused, why am I crazy? If I wasn't raped, why do I still remember it? Why do I have all these memories? Why are they not real? Why am I crazy? I just don't understand. My imaginary past controls me. How would you feel if everything you thought to be true was a lie?
3.I'm a bad influence on my little sister. She watched me go crazy. She would see me in my fits of rage. She would feel my fits of rage. She heard the words, saw the cuts, felt the pain. She saw everything. Now she is turning into me. It's all my fault.
4.All I do is hurt people. This is when people tell me that by killing myself I'll be hurting them so much more. Now listen to me. Ever since I was young, I caused fights. I caused my mom and dad to hit me. Then I would report them. It wasn't their fault. It was my fault. I turned aggressive towards my family. I hit them, kicked them, scratched them. I screamed horrible words at them. I made them cry and I didn't care. At certain points in my life, I wanted to kill my own family. I was angry at my parents for hitting me. I was angry at my sisters for letting it happen. I was going to kill them and then take my own life, but I didn't. Instead I took all the pain out on me. I tried to kill myself. People said it hurt them. They said they loved me and I scared them. I didn't care. Their pain was my pain. My family tries to support me and all I can do is let them down. They want to see me happy. When I start to feel better, they feel hope. Then everything all goes back down hill. I disappoint them. I don't want to keep putting my family through the ups and downs. I just want to give them one last final hurt and it will all be over.
5.I hurt. I'm in pain too. It kills me to hurt other people. Deep down I really do care, it just doesn't matter. I still remember the harsh words and the hits and bruises. I still remember losing myself to this monster. I hurt because of this depression. I hurt because of this eating disorder. I hurt because of these thoughts, these intentions. I don't want to hurt anymore.
6.I just want out. I don't want to fight anymore. I'm tired of fighting to live. That's no life. I want to be happy but I'm not and I never will be. I've tried for years to get better. I've tried so many therapists and medications and placements. Did they help? NO. I'm tired of fighting. I just want to give up.
7.I'm scared. Scared of what? Everything. Growing old, having kids, being independent, meeting people, loving people, people loving me, failing, giving up the depression and eating disorder, and so much more. Most of all, I am scared of living. Death is the only thing I'm not afraid of.
8.Everyone would be better off without me. I know, that's a stereotypical one but I'm serious. What the hell does the world need with another insane, depressed, suicidal freak?  Why should my parents and family be forced to put up with my shit? I'm not changing. I'm getting worse. I'm a virus, a poison, that slowly kills all around it. I am just one bad thing after another. I'm better off dead.
9.Would you want to live like this? Always fighting urges and bad thoughts. Struggling to maintain the appearance of normalcy. This is no life.
10.Because I can. Because I'm a selfish bitch who only cares about herself. Because I hate the world. Because the world is all going to hell anyways. Because life sucks.

Are these reasons enough for wanting to kill myself?

3 words from my listeners:

SilentNightmare said...

There's so much i can say but i don't think you're ready to hear them or they would mean anything since you're so set on your reasons, but i do know this, i had my best friend in high school try and kill herself several time, and each time she landed in the hospital cause she failed and it tore apart our relationship and friendship and it hurt a lot. But i'm glad she failed because if she did commit SU then i don't think i would have ever forgiven myself for not telling someone, for not protecting her, and for not being there for her. See although you're the one who chooses to leave, you don't see the pain and the hurt you'll leave behind. Your parents may never forgive themselves for not being able to help you, to protect you, to shield you from the pain and the hurt you're going through. And if you really want to help your little sister, show her that it is possible to go through what you did and come out on top, because by killing yourself you are giving up, you are teaching her that its ok to take the easier way to, to stop fighting to stop trying and to give in to the world that is depression and ED, the world that has slowly been consuming your life for years. I'm not saying its easy, heck everyday is a new struggle, its a new fight, but you can't give up until you've tried everything, until you know there is nothing out there that could ever help you, until you know for sure that you can never give up on ED and depression. But there is a way out, it may take more time, and more different combinations of meds, heck it may take years of therapy and hospitalization but by not fighting by not trying and by giving up you're not making her life better. Don't get me wrong i'm not going to sit her and tell you that i haven't thought of everything you have, that i haven't ever thought of ending it all, but when i do that i think of everything i could be giving up, and yeah i'm scared of growing up, of getting a job and starting my own family one day, but i see the joy that it brings other, and even just thinking about the possibilities of what i could do, of how i can do better, makes me want to stick around a little longer to see how life will play out for me. There is soo much we can't predict about the future so much we can't control, that you never know where life will take you, and if you kill yourself you'll never give yourself a chance to experience the good things life can bring. Sorry if i sound cliche or w/e but i've been where you are, you do care, if you didn't you wouldn't have waited this long. *hugs*

Love SN.

AS said...

Thank you so much for your comment on my blog. I know that I'm ill and its all spiraling quickly...but I don't want help. I just want to disappear. I'm like you. I don't feel like any of this pain or hurt that I feel and that I cause is worth it. I don't see a happy future or a happy ending for myself. I don't want to be better, because I don't believe it is possible. I just want to go away...stop cursing everyone around me and myself.
My family is trying to make me get bloodwork done...they are even saying they will pay for it which defeates me 'I'll go when I can afford it' excuse...but my doc knows my history and I know it will be a big deal if I go in and he sees me. Its just crappy. My grandmother said to me today, "You need to get bloodwork done before I come up to your room and find you dead." and then she said "Just tell the doctor you want to be very thin, but healthy thin." And I was just thinking...that wouldn't ever be possible. Sigh. They have no idea that I binge and purge. If I eat, I binge and purge. Otherwise, I don't eat. Sometimes I b/p three times a day for a week for two...and sometimes I don't eat for a week or two. Its never in balance.

Your post really stroke a chord with me. I can relate so much to all of it. It really breaks my heart to hear of all of your pain. I wish that I had some amazing advice to give you, but I'm treading the water myself. I don't want to sound like a hypocrite, but the world truly wouldn't be better off without you. That is your "dark passenger" talking to you, feeding you that bullshit you. You can't see it, which so saddens me, but you are beautiful, you are compassionate, you are talented, you are an amazing young woman. If you can ever find even a little teeny spark inside of you that finds even the teeniest tiniest reason to keep living day to day, to get the best help you can find for this illness, and just keep hanging in there to that shard of hope...I believe if you can do that...things will get better. I know that it is easier said then done...but I also believe that you are strong. You would not have made it this far if you were not insanely strong.

I'm glad that you're still here and still fighting. Please don't ever give up, hon. And, I really understand your words all too well. If you ever want to talk, I'm here <3 Please be safe <3

Elisabethgrace said...

I don't really have anything to say that will help. I just want you to know that YOU CAN GET THROUGH IT! & I know you're probably sick of hearing that! It's true. Hang in there. I can understand how you feel though. I feel like that too a lot. I hope that you're able to see some light some where. & Know that it's NOT YOUR FAULT. Shit happens. Everyone has crap to deal with. The violence in your family, the rape, none of that is your fault! Take Care. & Look After yourself. I care. & if you ever need to chat I'm here. x

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