Sunday, February 13, 2011

tears won't fall

I won't let them. It's my mom's birthday. I should feel happy. This is her special day. All I can think about is how fucking fat I am. I gained a pound from yesterday to today. I don't fucking understand. Did I really eat that much? Maybe it's because I'm using a different scale. I just want to be skinny. I was 108.4 yesterday. Now I'm 109.4. fat fat fat fat FAT!! I probably shouldn't judge it by this scale but I looked fatter today than I did yesterday. I must have gained. My ribs aren't as obvious. My stomach is bigger. My hip bones aren't showing. My hideous fat is covering them. fml. I wish I wasn't thinking these things on my mom's birthday. I wish I wasn't still planning on taking my life. I read everyone's comments on my last post. They made me sad. I know I should feel proud but now it just makes me upset. I feel like crying. I feel like I'm falling apart. Why do the good feelings never last? I want to die. I'm sorry.

3 words from my listeners:

Nikki said...

Don't be sorry hun, life is life. I do hope you change your mind about your life. It may be hard now but there is always good things ahead for everyone. I think your weight differs cuz of different scales, I won't weigh on anything but my own. Just try to relax and enjoy your moms birthday :) stay strong love xox

Anonymous said...

it's normal for weight to fluctuate from day to day,
even week to week. don't worry about it, it doesn't
mean anything in the grand scheme of things.
i mean i know, i partially understand what it's
like not personally but through other people's
stories. i know how much weight the scale holds,
so to speak. if it were me, i'd take the scale
outside and smash it to pieces. i think that'd make
/me/ feel better. at least some. have you tried
displacing your frustrations somewhere besides
yourself? it might be a good release. i remember
when i tried to smash the window when i was
trapped in the psyche ward, how great it made me feel.

push out against the world you feel pressing in.
don't just sit and take it, scream. roar. :)

SilentNightmare said...

Please take care hun *hugs*

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