Saturday, May 14, 2011

I'm (not) okay

My therapist did end up calling me back last night. We talked for about 13 minutes. That's the longest time we've ever talked on the phone. She calmed me down and gave me some suggestions for what to do. I guess they helped. I didn't cut or take pills. Believe it or not, this is my two month anniversary of not cutting. That's quite the accomplishment considering the past two weeks. There have been so many times lately when all I've wanted is to be self-destructive. I've just wanted to cut, bleed, scream, overdose, purge, die. I'm not depressed. I'm just very stressed out. Finals are next week and I'm nowhere near ready. I tried to read my chapters for biology. I had to quit half way through because I couldn't concentrate. Then I tried working some more on my math review. It makes me feel so stupid. My grandparents just keep telling me not to get upset. That doesn't do me any good. That's like telling me when I have an urge not to do it but not giving me skills to get through safely. It pisses me off. They aren't helping. And now my grandpa is being all touchy feely. It's like get the fuck off. I don't want to be touched. He wants all these stupid hugs and kisses every time I see him. It's like leave me the fuck alone. Then he was rubbing my stomach this morning. It's like don't fucking touch me! Grrrr. I am just very unhappy right now. Great, urge to cut is back. Maybe I will. I'm tired of fighting.

3 words from my listeners:

LilyZara said...

Please don't cut.
I know this fighting stuff gets tiring and monotonous but nothing worth having comes easy. And if you work for it, it will feel that much better.
It's worth the wait, to not cut
2 months is awesome
But, maybe see if you can go 10 weeks? :]

Sorry for rambling
And for a pointless helpless post.

Have you tried smashing bottles? Shaking coke cans? Kicking pillows? Smushing food? Ripping paper? Scribbling? Playdough? I dont know - anything! I know I'm asking for a lot but please don't make this mistake. It will only male things worst - believe me

Love you, xxxxxxxx

SilentNightmare said...

Ok so to help calm down for school take a deep breath. If you like lists make a list of what needs to be done for finals, in terms of practice and readings and then see if you can make yourself a flexible schedule for studying knowing that you can't get everything done and you'll have to skim chapters you're more comfortable with so you can learn ones you're not comfortable with. Decide which classes you think need more time and just put more efforts into those. Those are just a few if none help I have more ideas so just message me and I'll post some more. Remember frequent short breaks help a lot when you're lacking concentration and rewards like watching 5-10mins of favourite tv shows also work to help motivate you to get things done :)

For urges i think Lily has some good ideas, play-dough can be soothing as its something soft that you can mold in your hands over and over again and just that physical sensation can help calm your down.

Sorry this is so long Congrats on two months of not cutting though :) *hugs(

Tiffany Tilly said...

I'm really sorry things are so hard for you, i know how it is, i'm not feeling the best either. Just try to calm down, take one thing at a time. Work for 5-10 minutes on thing and then switch subjects and then go back and just try to focus, i know it's really hard but you can do. Summer is really close and you're almost out of school, dont' let it bring you down and i know that's easier said than done but i know you can do this. You don't need a cut to help you, you're better than that, you are amazing. You've put off the cutting for 2 months, that's freaking amazing!! You are so strong and so pretty and such an inspiration for avoiding the urges to give in to a blade. I'm so proud of you, keep it up.
As for you grandfather, i have the same problem, mine is always trying to hug me and when i'm upset he thinks it'll make me feel better if i sit on his lap, but i don't want to touched, especially not by my grandfather when i'm freaking out or really even ever, you get a hug and that should be good for you.
Back to cutting, some things i really loved when i tried to stop doing it last year that i should do again is drawling on your arms with markers or paint to get the look effect out. With marker you can push hard without hurting yourself and it kind of works just to get the frustration out and to calm you down. Then you can just wash it off or leave it on to remind you not to cut because you marker sliced instead. It helped me and also when i'm angry and want to get anger out then i like to break frozen chocolate bars or beat up pillows, go for a run, dance, scream, yell, paint, write, do whatever you can to get the feelings out. The fight is almost over, the longer you put this off, the easier it's going to get and i know you can make it through this, i'm trying just like you and if i can get through this than so can you, i believe in you. Stay strong Hun <3

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