Wednesday, May 25, 2011

tears :'(

It's pathetic when you are trying not to cry in the restaurant because your grandma tells you have to eat more than a salad. It's pathetic when you text your therapist telling her you hate her but not telling her why. It's pathetic when you cry the whole way home because you feel so fat when you're almost at your lowest weight. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. i want to die.
I have a strong urge to carve FAT into my body (for the fifth time). I have a strong urge to take some pills and just forget about all of this. I have a strong urge to scream my lungs out because it's so unfair. Urges. Urges. Urges. kill me please.
I hope I haven't gained. I'm freaking out. I ate all three meals today. fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat. It wasn't by choice though. My grandma told me I had to eat a real dinner. She doesn't want me to lose weight. She wants me to gain. She doesn't want me in the hospital, but I don't care. I would rather lose weight and end up in the hospital than gain weight. I would rather die. I feel as if everyone's against me. Why does everyone want me to gain? I'm still as fat as I ever was. I see no difference almost 20 pounds lighter. So you tell me. What do you see? (PICTURES TAKEN DOWN)

6 words from my listeners:

Nikki said...

To be honest... I think you are skinny in the past photos, and thin in the photos now (thin is skinnier than skinny to me).

I don't allow myself to judge weither a person is "too skinny" or not, although I don't think you are. I don't think you NEED to loose any more weight either. If you don't want to gain right now, what about trying to maintain? If you're ready....

None of those things are pathetic either... they don't fully understand what you're going through or why you don't see what they see, it's not your fault.

Please don't carve anything into your body.

Like I said before, I'm not going to tell you what to do... but please try to stay healthy, and happy too :) There's a balance of the two somewhere... I think a lot of ED/ED related stuff/disordered eating has to do with finding that balance.


kes said...

My honest opinion. I'm not wanting to upset you at all in any way just so you know. But I think you look good now. If you want to lose more weight that is your choice. I can't stop you and I won't try. In my honest opinion, you are not at all fat, but I wouldn't say scarily skinny either. I don't think you should lose a lot more weight. I think you could probably get by with losing 5 more lbs but not much more. I see no reason for you to gain.

Lissy said...

Babe you look gorgeous and I'm jealous. You are way smaller now and I want you to gain because I'm worried for you. I know its so hard though. Look after yourself girly cos we need you to stay safe <3

Tiffany Tilly said...

I think you look amazing! I know how hard it is for people to want you to eat more and get better and you just want them to shut up and leave you alone. I've had my share of crying in stores that sell food, restaurants, people's houses because of food, it's scary, i understand. In your pictures i think you gained a lot of definition in your stomach and it shows your hard work, you look good and i don't see why they think you have to gain weight, i think you great the way you are now and wont look too much different 5 pounds less so i don't see a problem going down to your goal weight. I hope things calms down, i don't want you getting more urges because my urges usually double when people stress me out and like gets out of control. Stay safe.

LilyZara said...

Maybe cause it's like 6.30am for me, but your post just made me cry so much - and I'm not saying that to make you feel bad I'm telling you this because o hate seeing you feel this way.

Just how youd rather lose weight and end up in hospital and stuff reminded me of when I used to feel that way. I felt it was impossible to feel otherwise - even if I was recovering, but I wish you understood that that's not you that wants to lose weight - its your eating disorder trying to disguise itself as you.

What you said is far from pathetic - don't be too hard on yourself.

I'm always here if you ever ever wanna chat, I don't mind giving you my Facebook and stuff

Take care, xxxxxx

AlwaysStriving said...

Babygirl, I deleted your comment because you have absolutely nothing to be sorry for. I'm the one who should be sorry. I feel like I let you down when you needed me, but it is only because I'm afraid for you and the path you are going down and I don't know how to help you the way you want me to without it hurting you more.

You're skinny, you definitely look like you have a BMI of 17.5. You were slender and beautiful before, but I see a very drastic difference. Please, if you can, try to maintain. I don't want to sound like I'm telling you what to do. I'm not. Only you can make that decision. I'm just letting you know my personal *opinion*. I care about you and I want only the best for you. You're an amazing person with a lot to offer this world. I know that you are already hurting and suffering so much...I just don't want to see your pain and problems grow...and they WILL if you keep starving yourself.

I'm here for you anytime. And again, I'm really sorry if I made you feel attacked or pressured into recovery. That is completely your choice. But, I just can't support anything that would hurt your beautiful self.

Stay strong. Fight this wretched, evil disease. You can do it. I believe in you. Also, go read the comment you wrote to me yesterday or the day before. It is very good advice and might help you out ;-) hehe. <3

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