Wednesday, May 18, 2011

the urge

was strong, stronger than I've ever dealt with before. I wanted to scream. I couldn't stop crying. I cried for 40 minutes straight. I felt alone. The urge so strong and me so weak. What was this urge? Purge. I wanted to purge. I've had urges before but this one was different. The emotional pain it was causing me was overwhelming. I wanted to tear at my body. I wanted to stick my fingers down my throat and rid myself of the enemy. (I broke my fast with a binge.) I wanted to be pure and clean. Funny how I say clean. Throw up is not clean. It's messy. It gets on my hair and face. It's gross, yet I thought it would make me clean. I called my therapist. She did not answer. She did not call me back until about 25 minutes ago. (She was in group so she had an excuse.) My mom was of no use. She put me down for eating "unhealthy foods" and told me I was being stupid for crying. Thanks for your help mom. I sort of hung up on her. I said "bye" though. I got through to my blogger friend after about 25 minutes. She calmed me down. She told me she binged too. She told me if I didn't purge, neither would she. It made me realize that I could help her while she was helping me. So it was a win-win. I didn't purge. Neither did she. So go us!
I think I plan on starting another fast. I didn't need to break it today, yet I did. Those bagels were calling out to me. jk. I was weak. I will go longer next time. No, I can't go longer. My race is Saturday. I have to eat. no you don't. you ran two 5k's without food and nothing happened. you'll be fine this time too. No, I have to eat at least a little something. I don't want to pass out before I hit the finish line. I'll fast tomorrow and Friday, eat a little bit on Saturday (I think that's also my brother-in-law's graduation), then go back to fasting. I liked fasting. It was fairly easy. I just have to drink a lot more than I normally would. I find that drinking something with a little bit of sugar makes me feel better. Yesterday and this morning I drank apple juice. I would have been just fine had I stuck with that. I know better now. I will wait until later in the day to break my fast or break it in the morning before I leave to go somewhere. That will prevent binging like I did today.
I just discovered something on facebook. My little sister thinks she's fat. She's 10, t-e-n. She's too young to be thinking all these thoughts. I don't want her to develop into me. She has enough of my symptoms of other disorders. I don't want her developing an eating disorder too. This makes me sad. She's probably 6 inches shorter than me, weighs 70 pounds, and she thinks she's fat. This poor girl thinks she's fat. Did I cause this? Is this my fault? Am I rubbing off on her?
Thoughts racing.
Head hurts.
Want to sleep.
Going to sleep.

-It has been 3 years, 1 month, and 2 days since I last purged. =D

3 words from my listeners:

Nikki said...

SO sorry your mom was of no use =(

but i am glad to hear that your friend calmed you down and that the two of you resisted purging together. good job!! im proud of you.

and as far as your sister goes, dont blame yourself for any of that, its not your fault.
AND it thinking shes fat isnt an eating disorder, you dont kno that she will ever develop one and there are ways to try to prevent it if you start suspecting that she may be on her way to one. but she is not fat, and she needs to kno that, poor thing :(


Tiffany Tilly said...

Yay for staying purge free for over 3 years, that's something to cheer about, i don't know if i could do that. But i'm really sorry the urge was so strong it made you cry and freakout, i hate urges, they suck so bad but at least you resisted, that showed strength, you are a very strong girl and very amazing and pretty. Good luck on your race!!
As for you sister, my sister is the same way, i wouldn't think too much into since 95% of girls think they're fat because of stupid society but i was scared too when my sister fell on the boat but then she fell off and never looked back. Your sister is not fat and i really bad for her thinking she is at 10 years old, there's so many more important things that she should be worrying about and it's just sad to see. I hope she never goes through what you have gone through and i'm sorry you're dealing with this. I know i say that a lot but i really am sorry. I understand how hard it must be for you. Stay strong and hang in there.

AlwaysStriving said...

I love you so so much <3 <3 <3 So proud of you. You are so freaking amazing girl.

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