the urge

was strong, stronger than I've ever dealt with before. I wanted to scream. I couldn't stop crying. I cried for 40 minutes straight. I felt alone. The urge so strong and me so weak. What was this urge? Purge. I wanted to purge. I've had urges before but this one was different. The emotional pain it was causing me was overwhelming. I wanted to tear at my body. I wanted to stick my fingers down my throat and rid myself of the enemy. (I broke my fast with a binge.) I wanted to be pure and clean. Funny how I say clean. Throw up is not clean. It's messy. It gets on my hair and face. It's gross, yet I thought it would make me clean. I called my therapist. She did not answer. She did not call me back until about 25 minutes ago. (She was in group so she had an excuse.) My mom was of no use. She put me down for eating "unhealthy foods" and told me I was being stupid for crying. Thanks for your help mom. I sort of hung up on her. I said "bye" though. I got through to my blogger friend after about 25 minutes. She calmed me down. She told me she binged too. She told me if I didn't purge, neither would she. It made me realize that I could help her while she was helping me. So it was a win-win. I didn't purge. Neither did she. So go us!
I think I plan on starting another fast. I didn't need to break it today, yet I did. Those bagels were calling out to me. jk. I was weak. I will go longer next time. No, I can't go longer. My race is Saturday. I have to eat. no you don't. you ran two 5k's without food and nothing happened. you'll be fine this time too. No, I have to eat at least a little something. I don't want to pass out before I hit the finish line. I'll fast tomorrow and Friday, eat a little bit on Saturday (I think that's also my brother-in-law's graduation), then go back to fasting. I liked fasting. It was fairly easy. I just have to drink a lot more than I normally would. I find that drinking something with a little bit of sugar makes me feel better. Yesterday and this morning I drank apple juice. I would have been just fine had I stuck with that. I know better now. I will wait until later in the day to break my fast or break it in the morning before I leave to go somewhere. That will prevent binging like I did today.
I just discovered something on facebook. My little sister thinks she's fat. She's 10, t-e-n. She's too young to be thinking all these thoughts. I don't want her to develop into me. She has enough of my symptoms of other disorders. I don't want her developing an eating disorder too. This makes me sad. She's probably 6 inches shorter than me, weighs 70 pounds, and she thinks she's fat. This poor girl thinks she's fat. Did I cause this? Is this my fault? Am I rubbing off on her?
Thoughts racing.
Head hurts.
Want to sleep.
Going to sleep.
Night.

Positives:
-It has been 3 years, 1 month, and 2 days since I last purged. =D