Friday, May 20, 2011

hunger, race, sleep

I've noticed that hunger isn't here. I eat just to eat. I don't want to eat. I'm scared to eat. I put food in my mouth because that's what you do. You take a bite, chew chew chew, and swallow. Time after time after time. I just want to starve, starve forever. I want to be skinny, feel skinny. I want to look in the mirror and like what I see. I want to weigh less than 100, less than 95, less than 90. I want to be love myself. I'm tired of living like this, living fat that is. I'm tired of eating. It just makes me feel like shit. It just makes me fat.
My 5k is tomorrow. Oh boy. There are some big hills. Not looking forward to it, the hills that is. I want to do this race. My first one. I'm not sure how I'll do with the crowd. I don't like crowds. It'll be okay. Should I wear my shorts or my sweats? Probably my sweats. Don't want people to see my fat jiggle.
Tired. So tired. Going to sleep.

8 words from my listeners:

Nikki said...

aww i totally get that whole first paragraph :(
i hate that youre feeling that way.

good luck on the race tomorrow, youll be great! wear whichever you feel more comfortable in... but im sure no one will be seeing anything jiggle. either way, be comfy.. just dont dress too warm if its gonna be hot out. and drink lots of water to stay hydrated!

goodnight hun <3 <3 <3

Lita said...

Good luck racing tomorrow! You'll do great :)

GraceyJ said...

good luck with the race!!

S. said...

Thank you.

/S / http://

DietCokePlease said...

I completely feel the same...
You will do great in the race and think of the cals you'll burn ESPECIALLY those hills =]. Think that as you taken em on. Good lcuk xx

Tiffany Tilly said...

Good luck on your race, i bet you're do great! I'm sorry you're upset and having a rough night, i hate when i get into those moods, hopefully they're pass fast, running should help with them. The hills won't be too bad, you can do this, just keep going. Stay strong and lovely hun <3

SingSinatra said...

i hope the race was good!!! and i wanted you to know that... You are beautiful, the only thing wrong is the fact that you don't notice it, you judge yourself to hard... I get that you want to feel good about yourself so you want to make drastic changes... but if i may... The most drastic change yo have to do is to love and accept yourself... its hard and painful to accept our weakness (i know...) but after you do it you are gonna be able to change in a healthy way!!

I have this diet that a nutriologist gave me 'cauce I was tired all the time and I was missing so many vitamins, and it also mad me loose weight that i didnt gain back... If you want i can give it to you, and you can take a look if you feel like doing it, it helps you eat healthy and you feel lighter with energy instead of being sleepy after eating...

Take care of yourself!! and do me a favor, accept the fact that you are amazing!!, to be able to have a blog and write about so many private stuff and thoughts thats courage! You are a beautiful monster!!

heiscertainlyworthit said...

Good luck for your race, I'm sure that you don't have any fat that jiggles on you at 105.8 lbs anyway :)

I know how you mean about the hunger. I was like it today, I thought I'd have a 1000 calorie binge, because I hadn't eaten mon, tues, weds and then less than 200 cals thurs and fri. But, I just didn't want to eat. That's good though, I guess, I'm not complaining :D

It's ok anyway, we're all here for you :) Stay strong xx

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