Friday, May 13, 2011


I cried today. I mean I literally curled up into a ball and cried, the overwhelming feelings of hopelessness and suicidalness taking over. I was hurting emotionally. I wanted to numb the pain. I wanted to end the pain. Instead, I reached out. I called my therapist. Even though she didn't answer, I got through it okay. I still feel the pain but it's not as extreme. I still wish I could numb it. I wish I could take it all away but I don't think I'm going to do anything negative. It's hard because right now I feel so out of control. I want to talk to someone but I have no one to talk to. My best friend is in the hospital. My therapist isn't answering. My mom is on a Girl Scout camping trip. My grandparents don't understand. Great, I'm crying again. I feel so alone. I want someone to comfort me and tell me it's all going to be okay.. I want someone to talk to who can actually understand. I wish I had a person in real life who I could talk to. All the people I could go to are unavailable. Makes me wish I had more friends. What would I say to them though? "Right now I feel like slitting my wrists and taking some pills." Yeah, somehow I don't feel as if that would be the most appropriate thing to anyone for that matter. I really wish my therapist would call me back. The urges are coming back. Maybe typing this out isn't helping. I just feel really hopeless right now. I'm on self-destruct. I can't do this. I'm sorry.

6 words from my listeners:

Elle Marie said...

hey, <3

americaneaglelove said...

I'm so sorry you've been having a tough time lately. I wish I could make you feel better, I really do. I'm glad you called your therapist, hopefully she'll call back soon. Maybe doing little things that make you happy will improve your mood, like watching a favorite movie or talking to a friend. I'm always here, if you need someone to listen. Good luck, stay beautiful!

Mich said...

Why is it that when we get into those moods, that's when everyone is busy or unavailable?! >:(

I'm sorry you're feeling so down. :( If you ever need someone to vent to, you can email me: bellatrixburrows [at]

I get the emails on my phone, so I can respond right away. <3

Maybe try and find a way to distract yourself? That helps when I get into one of my crazies. Like cleaning, or painting (really awful paintings, but at least it occupies my mind), or even just going outside for a walk and some fresh air.

Hope you feel better.

SilentNightmare said...

Wish i knew what t say but i care and understand *hugs*

AlwaysStriving said...

I freaking love you! I'm so so so so sorry I wasn't on PT today. Please take my e-mail down. I'm here for you anytime, day or night. I really hope that tomorrow is a bajillion million times better than today was for you. Love you. Please let us know that you are okay. xxxx

Tiffany Tilly said...

Aww honey i'm so so sooo sorry you feel this way now, this just made me cry. I hate when these moods come, they're so hard to deal with and i hope you get over them, you deserve to be happy and i know you can get past this. I'm so happy you already decided to call for help and write this out instead of just cut the feelings out, that's really brave and strong of you and i'm so proud you for doing that. Stay strong girl and just know that I and all the other people on here really care and understand.

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