Monday, May 23, 2011
going back for a visit
I'm going back up to Michigan (where I used to live) to visit some old friends of mine. I've lost some weight since the last time they saw me and I'm scared of what they'll say. Part of me is worried that they won't even notice. I want to hear them say "wow Amber, you've lost a lot of weight!" or something along those lines. I really want to restrict so I can lose more weight. I know I should eat but the ED part of me just wants to say "F*CK food. you need to be even skinnier." The question is, how do I convince myself it's okay to eat? How do I convince myself I'm skinny enough to see my friends? I don't know. I'm conflicted. My ED (I kinda laugh when I say that) is taking over. I mean I was never recovered but this is just really making it worse. What do I do? That's easy Amber. Don't eat.
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1 words from my listeners:
"The question is, how do I convince myself it's okay to eat? How do I convince myself I'm skinny enough to see my friends? I don't know. I'm conflicted. "
I'm in the same boat as you are, my dear. And know that if your friends don't mention your weight loss, it doesn't mean that they don't notice, they might just not want to make you uncomfortable by bringing it up. I've had times where I was so sad and felt so fat when people wouldn't say anything...and then later they'd tell me they just didn't want to make a fuss over me and put me on the spot.
Please try to eat. Or maybe do what I'm doing and make some all natural smoothies? It makes me want to crawl out of my skin to think about how I'm keeping these calories down...but its a hell of a lot better than binging! Its a good way to give your body some nutrients if you aren't up for eating <3
Love you. And thank you thank you thank you for never giving up on me and for always being there for me. You're an angel. I think you're the only one who reads my blog now, and it means a lot <3
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