Saturday, May 14, 2011

tell me what do you do when it all falls apart?

I'll tell you what I did. I fucking cut. 3 lines on my hip. 1. 2. 3. Just like that it was over. Just like that it was done. No point in saying sorry because this can't be undone. Two months down the drain and for what? Finals that I know I'm going to bomb? Anger over being stupid in math? Feeling alone? Feeling hopeless?
No. I cut because I wanted to. I was simply too lazy to fight. I simply said "fuck two months. I'm going to go cut myself." and like an idiot, I did. How badly I wanted to cut my wrists. Slash up my arms and bloody up the bathtub. But did I? No. I was controlled. Yeah, so in "control" that I cut. That's fucking out of control. Is it possible to be out of control but in control at the same time? I think it is. I wanted to do more but I didn't. I stopped myself..but not BEFORE I did it. Therefore, I was not in control. I have lost it. I have motherfucking lost it. What's next? Taking pills? Maybe I should. No Amber. You can't take the pills. But I cut. I already fucked up. Why not really screw myself over? Because Amber, you have finals next week. Finals? You're reminding me about finals?! The fucking reason I'm losing my god damn mind!! Fuck finals. I want those pills! Don't take them Amber. Think smart. Be reasonable. Do you really want to blow your second semester? It's already blown for my math class! So I still have biology. What good does that do me? I needed math too but no, I fucked that one up. Man, fuck this!

4 words from my listeners:

Aly said...

That's exactly what I did - cut 3 lines into my hip...and Lia did, in Wintergirls. I adore that book!
Please, stay safe. I'm sorry to hear you broke your 2months of not-cutting. It's hard to do. But you CAN do it.
Good luck on finals!

Aly said...

Is that title from the Veronicas' song "When it All Falls Apart"? LOL random connection, but I love the Veronicas.

SilentNightmare said...

Plz take care

CAliChica said...

i wnt the pills 2 ik wat its lyk , im tempted 2 cut bt i just purge .

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