Tuesday, May 10, 2011


I feel like cutting. I feel like purging. How bout both? Neither? Yes, neither. No, both. Up down up down. Fucking confused as fuck. Might call my therapist. She'll just be like "use your skills". Well it's like no shit Sherlock. Not that I would say that to her but right now I'm sure as hell thinking it. God, it's so tempting. I was bad today. I bought the hobby (art) knife from the school store. What the FUCK was I thinking? It's sharp, so sharp. I want to use it...badly. It's been almost two months since I cut. 4 more days and it'll have been two months. Do I really want to throw that away? Yes. No. Maybe? FUCK I don't know! I shouldn't have bought it but I had to. I needed to. Now I have three (shaving) razor blades and a hobby knife. FML. Why do I have such sharp things? I need to dispose of them. No, I want them. I need them. I have to have them. I can't tell my therapist. She'll make me get rid of them. She'll tell my family I have something. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK!!! Ugh, I fucking want to cut. I'm going to go...cut? Maybe. Call therapist? Yes.

3 words from my listeners:

kes said...

Have you tried doing something like running until you hurt? If not try some sort of exercise (doesn't have to be running - try jumping jacks, dancing, ect.) and do it until you hurt and then see if you feel better.

Kari said...

You've come so far, don't do it! You wrote a blog post, you didn't just go do it, which means you don't actually want to, I hope calling your therapist helped.

SilentNightmare said...


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