Wednesday, June 8, 2011

recovery day 3

Starving myself will not make me worthy..worthy of love, worthy of acceptance, worthy of anything.
Starving myself will not make me beautiful.
Starving myself will not make me happy.
What will starving myself bring me?
-sadness
-hunger for something better than this
-hunger for nourishment
-death
I kind of wish for the last one.
I don't really know what good I get from all of this. It doesn't make me happy. It doesn't make me "thin". I feel just as fat, if not fatter, than before. It'll never be enough. I'll never be enough.
So recover you say?
I am.
Sort of.
Maybe.
Kind of.
Two meals a day. It's a step, right?
Stopping the green tea pills. Not right now. When I run out.
Scared, so scared.
Wanting to lose weight..still.
Can't gain.
Don't want to gain.
What about my goals?
Where will they get me?
A hospital.
Is that what I want?
Yes.
No.
Maybe.
Hell if I know.
So confused.
So conflicted.
What the fuck am I doing?

2 words from my listeners:

Lita said...

I feel you. I understand what it's like to feel fat even though the numbers say you're thin. I feel that every day, actually. That's why I go by numbers - they're rational when I'm not.

Shannice said...

please please please try for recovery, it will be the best thing you will ever do if you can keep going and finally live a happy healthy recovered life. xxxxxxxxxx

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