Monday, June 6, 2011

recovery?

I went to group today. (It'll be my last time going for three weeks due to driver's ed(ucation).) We all made goals for our eating disorder. My original goal was not one I really wanted for myself but it was a recovery goal nonetheless. It was to eat 1800 calories a day. That would be an extremely hard goal for me. So we set a more manageable goal for me: eat both lunch and dinner every day. It's day one and I've already failed. :(
I talked to my therapist briefly after group about my dad. I filled her in on the texts and dance recital. I told her how my dad makes me feel not good enough, unworthy of love, small, and invisible. I told her it made me want to relapse further. She said that he doesn't know how to handle my illness and that by getting worse, I'll just push him away even more. I also told her I think my dad only cares about me when I'm dying so I feel like if I take my ED to the point of dying, he'll come back. She disagrees. She says I shouldn't get worse because of him. I should use this to prove to him I'm stronger than this and pretty much say "fuck you" to him. It's nice in theory but implementing is a whole nother ball field.
I came home and ate lunch: Lucky Charms and chocolate cream pie. It was yummy. Then about 2 hours later I had a mini binge on Flaming Hot Cheetos, peanut butter, 2 deviled eggs, and angel food cake. Since I consumed so many calories in my binge, I have felt that it is not necessary to eat dinner. Plus I'm scared to eat. My grandpa offered to buy me a hot fudge sundae from McDonalds. You know it's bad when I say no to ice cream. I just can't do it.
Then my grandpa asked why I didn't want one and I told him I was upset about my dad. He came and sat behind me and started rubbing my arm. His fingers were close to my chest. Then he started massaging my neck. It was creepy. I feel like I want to crawl out of my skin and my lips burn again (even though he didn't kiss me). Ugh. I can't deal with this.
So recovery? I don't even fucking know.

3 words from my listeners:

americaneagle said...

Congrats on eating lunch! I wish you the best of luck in recovery, you have my full support! Please, please, please DO NOT let him to that to you! Please tell someone, a friend, your therapist, a family member! I am a hypocrite, telling you to tell someone, when I haven't told about my sexual abuse, but the thing I want most right now is for you to tell someone and stop this!! Please promise me you'll stay safe. I really do care about you a lot. I'm sorry if I sound lecturing, I can't watch this happen, without trying to stop it. Tell someone.

Lils said...

Recovery is important. I do not want to sound pushing, but the sooner you begin the easier the process will be. Please promise us all you will keep yourself safe and please take care of yourself. I know how impossible it may sound... but the truth is, there are SO MANY people who love your dearly, including me. All my love and my warmest hugs

Gianni said...

You need tell someone... even if it's not sexual abuse yet, if you're feeling uncomfortable then it's probably not the best situation for you to be in. Especially while you're recovering from your ED.

And good job on your recovery! Your lunch sounds absolutely delicious! Keep up the fantastic work, pretty lady!

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