title

Calorie intake was 910 more calories than planned. Total calorie intake: 910. Wow. I'm such a fat ass. I must say though that I did eat "4 deliciously yummyful Peeps". ;) Wanted to fast but I made a deal with my bestie Kristy that I would eat if she would eat. So we ate.
My therapist will think I am fat tomorrow. I can't blame her. Eating disorder? Yeah, right. Fat ass? That's more like it.
Slept most of the day. I was lazy and tired.
Allergies bothering me.
Feeling fat.
Tired.
So tired.
Parents fighting.
Going to bed.

Oh and I've been reading your posts. I just haven't commented.

The Beauty of Love

I want you to see
The beauty that's inside
Not the shell that shows
The impurities I can't hide
My outer appearance
Puts me to shame
I want to hide
I'm so ashamed
My body seems to be covered
In fat and scars
It's hard not to judge yourself
For the monster you feel you are.
I wish I was pretty
I wish I was thin
I wish I could love myself
From the outside in
Instead I feel hate
For I feel I am weak
Weak for having urges
Weak for having to eat
I know I'm only human
But I don't feel like I am
I feel like a monster
Imperfect, a sin
Inside I'm ugly
My heart black ice
Tormented and cold
Broken from the fights
The fights against myself
That I always seem to lose
Give in or hold out
Doesn't matter what I choose
Starving for perfection
Starving for a cure
A cure I'll never find
Because I'm too fucked up I'm sure
I don't see any beauty
When I look inside myself
Nor on the outside
Due to distorted images of self
Will I ever love myself?
Is the question I must ask
I don't think I want to
And with that I have no chance.

105

Wow fat ass. Way to gain 2.4 pounds in four days. Feel like eating. Not going to eat. Don't want to eat. Feeling fat. Want to talk to someone. No one to talk to. Eat? No. Feel alone? Always.

home sweet home

I am home. It was a long drive up and a long drive back, but it was worth every second.
I ate so much over the past 4 days that I'm sure I'm at least 106. I'd be very surprised if I gained less than 3 pounds, very surprised.
Saw all but two of my friends.
Had to see my best friend in the hospital. :(
I surprised her. :)
Didn't die of anxiety (even though I thought I would before my first meet-up!).
"You look well." :'(
Them: "How have you been?"
Me: "Good/fine/okay" (lies)
10/11 year old girls = ANNOYING!!...with no boundaries.
Tired, so tired.
Good night loves.

102.6

Like WTF?! I seriously kept the .4 pounds I gained yesterday? Freaking impossible. It's water weight. I'm retaining water. FTW (fuck the world!). So now I'm 2.6 pounds over 100. fucking fat as hell. My friends will all think I'm this big blob. They won't be able to tell I've lost weight. My therapist is going to laugh at me and say "you don't have an eating disorder. you can't even lose three pounds!". fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. But she'd be right.
I don't have an eating disorder.
I'm too fat.
Much much much too fat.
Must lose this weight.
Don't care about the hospital.
lose lose LOSE!
have to lose.
need to lose.
need to die.
No, no dying.
Need to stay alive and be punished.
Fat bitch.
You're the dumb bitch.
die die die die die die.
slit your wrists.
No, no cutting.
Seeing friends.
they'll laugh at you the minute they see you.
fat fuck.
fucking blob.
lazy ass.
pathetic.
i hope you choke on your food.
you deserve it cow.
I'm leaving in less than two hours.
shit.

17.5

That's my BMI, anorexic criteria. Next step: lose my period. Woo-hoo. No, I kid. This isn't fun(ny). This is serious. Why am I talking like I'm sick? I'm not sick. I'm fine. I could still stand to lose more weight. If my therapist is going to hospitalize me, I'm going to lose as much as I can. but i don't want to be hospitalized. Not yet anyways. I have things to do this summer. I need to take driver's ed. I need to learn to drive. I'm 18 and I've never driven a car. Pathetic. "You can't drive dead." I won't be dead. i'd rather die than gain weight. I'm tired. I'm bouncing all over the place. I can't fucking type tonight. I keep getting dizzy and lightheaded. I'm worried I'll pass out. That would be a sure fire way to get hospitalized. I don't need that right now. I'm tired. Good night loves.

I think

a positive post is in order. Have some pictures.

tears :'(

It's pathetic when you are trying not to cry in the restaurant because your grandma tells you have to eat more than a salad. It's pathetic when you text your therapist telling her you hate her but not telling her why. It's pathetic when you cry the whole way home because you feel so fat when you're almost at your lowest weight. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. i want to die.
I have a strong urge to carve FAT into my body (for the fifth time). I have a strong urge to take some pills and just forget about all of this. I have a strong urge to scream my lungs out because it's so unfair. Urges. Urges. Urges. kill me please.
I hope I haven't gained. I'm freaking out. I ate all three meals today. fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat. It wasn't by choice though. My grandma told me I had to eat a real dinner. She doesn't want me to lose weight. She wants me to gain. She doesn't want me in the hospital, but I don't care. I would rather lose weight and end up in the hospital than gain weight. I would rather die. I feel as if everyone's against me. Why does everyone want me to gain? I'm still as fat as I ever was. I see no difference almost 20 pounds lighter. So you tell me. What do you see? (PICTURES TAKEN DOWN)

it's never enough

I saw my therapist today. She was not very happy with me. She can tell I've lost weight. I told her I was freaking out about seeing my friends and wanting to lose more weight. She told me I was too underweight as it is. I started getting mad saying I'm barely underweight and I'm just fine. She asked me how much I weighed. I told her 103 (should have lied). She said if I lose too much more, she'll hospitalize me. That really pissed me off. I told her I don't need to be in the hospital because it's not like I'm dying or anything. I still eat. She says I'm malnourished. LIES!! I asked her if i would look bad if I lost 3 more pounds. She said I'm already too skinny. She said I would look bad. I asked my grandma if I lost anymore weight, would I look bad. She said yes. She wants me to gain. I don't want to gain. I want to lose. LOSE LOSE LOSE. I don't want to be hospitalized. She can't hospitalize me. I'm fine. I'm just fine. I'm nowhere even close to my goal weight. I'm still above 100 fucking pounds. FUCK HER! Fuck everyone who thinks they can keep me fat! I will lose weight. I'm not stopping til I'm 85.

103

Second lowest weight. 1 pound away from true lowest weight. 1 pound away from BMI 17.5. So close. Must lose 3 pounds in 2 days. I can do this.
Seeing therapist today. Lowest weight I've seen her at. Will she notice?

worried

My friend is out of the hospital (did you know that she was in?). She might be going back in tomorrow. ='( She wants to have a procedure done, deep brain stimulation. I'm worried about it. There are a lot of risks. I just want her to be okay and I guess if that's what it takes, then okay. BUT she might not be able to have it done because she suffers from suicidal thoughts. Oh and the procedure would be for her depression. worried and scared and sad.
I had about 475 calories today. Feels like it's too much. Should have had less. Shouldn't have eaten the candy. (I had two Rolos.)
Seeing my therapist tomorrow. Hoping to be 103.something. Hopefully. Maybe. That would be the lowest weight she's seen me at. nervous. anxious. fat.
People came and looked at the house today. Did they like it? Will they buy it? IDK.
My teeth hurt. I don't know why. They've been really sensitive lately. Wish they weren't.
Going to bed. Good night.

trivial

I'm sad to say that someone close to me has lost her baby girl. My heart goes out to you Bella.
Thinking about my "issues" in comparison makes them seem so small. I feel pathetic for struggling when nothing is really wrong. I don't know if you read my last post, but I am going to see some of my old friends this weekend. I haven't seen them in almost a year. I have lost 15 pounds (as of today) and I feel I must lose more. When I just thought about seeing them, I thought "I'm drinking diet green tea. I have to purge. I ate a yogurt and 45 calories of nuts. I have to purge." FAIL. What a fucking fail. I am a selfish bitch. Why am I so compelled to lose more weight? They won't care if I've lost weight. They'll be happy to see me (at least I hope they will). But I want them to notice. I want them to notice so bad. I want someone to say "you're so skinny!". How can they say that if I'm more than 100 pounds? fat fat fat. LOSE LOSE LOSE! I lost 2.6 pounds from yesterday to today (not water weight either). I'm 104.6 pounds. I just need to lose 4.6 pounds before Saturday. I can do it. I will do it.

going back for a visit

I'm going back up to Michigan (where I used to live) to visit some old friends of mine. I've lost some weight since the last time they saw me and I'm scared of what they'll say. Part of me is worried that they won't even notice. I want to hear them say "wow Amber, you've lost a lot of weight!" or something along those lines. I really want to restrict so I can lose more weight. I know I should eat but the ED part of me just wants to say "F*CK food. you need to be even skinnier." The question is, how do I convince myself it's okay to eat? How do I convince myself I'm skinny enough to see my friends? I don't know. I'm conflicted. My ED (I kinda laugh when I say that) is taking over. I mean I was never recovered but this is just really making it worse. What do I do? That's easy Amber. Don't eat.

stupid

ate too much. was doing good calorie wise and then just kept on eating. wasn't hungry. was actually full. but just kept on eating. lots of candy. too much candy.
group tomorrow. too fat for group.
fuck im too fat.
tempted to cut.
too scared to set boundaries.
more kisses. lips burning.
want to cut cut cut.
faaaaaaaaaaat.
fuck. fuck. fuck a duck.
good night.

does this make sense?

No, probably not. I don't make sense half the time when I speak, even less when I think. I'm just a little jumbled up in my head. My thoughts are twisted. I'm just a little bit confused.
Why do people want recovery for me? Am I really that "sick"? What is sick anyways? Certainly I'm not sick. So my view of myself is distorted. That doesn't mean anything. So I skip meals and restrict. That doesn't mean anything. I have disordered eating. I don't have an eating disorder. It's not like I'm crazy underweight. It's not like I'm on my death bed. What's so wrong with losing some weight? What's so wrong with not eating? I'll be fine. Nothing bad will happen. My organs will fail? I could die? No. Impossible. Want to know why? Because I am invincible. I have enough fat to live forever. There was once a guy who didn't eat for over a year because his body had that much fat to feed on. I could be like him. Not eat. Yes. I should not eat. I wouldn't go a year because then I might die but I could go awhile. My body feeding on itself. Maybe my body will eat away at my bulging stomach and thunder thighs. I could use a flat stomach and a thigh gap. Maybe then I wouldn't hate my body so much. Maybe then I would like how I looked. No, doubt it. I will always hate how I look. I hate how people tell me I am pretty, I am beautiful. They are only saying it because they have to. They are only saying it to be nice. I am not pretty or beautiful, hence my name. Just because I feel unbeautiful does not mean I would get surgery to correct it. I would love to get my stomach and thigh fat removed though. That is the only type of surgery I would do. I don't need to remodel my face. It isn't too horrible. I've seen worse. I just wish it was smooth and clean. I wish I didn't break out every week. I wish my hair didn't always look so greasy. I wish I had blue eyes instead of hazel. That would be nice. But it's all pathetic stuff that won't change. So I must accept it. Accept my flaws. I hate my flaws. They make me ugly, inside and out. What the fuck am I going on about? I don't even know what the hell I'm saying. I'm just going to go. Sorry for my nonsense.

fat?

had my massage. was almost too fat to enjoy it.
ate Subway for dinner. and Cheetohs.
fat fat fat fat fat.
can't wait to stop eating again.
don't want to eat.
ever ever ever again.
fat fat fat fat fat.
fucking fat.

the race

is over! I have officially completed a 5k!! Woo-hoo! Go me and my mommy and little sister! My little sister was hurt but still she finished. My mom and I clocked in together at 47 minutes and little sis came in around 54 minutes. My mom was freaking out though when we got to the finish line because we didn't know where my little sister was at. .5 miles into the race lil sis stopped running and said she was hurt and didn't want to do the race anymore. She didn't turn back though. She was a trooper and stuck it out. Of course my mom was like freaking out not knowing if she was okay or not. Lil sis was okay though so it all ended well. :) It was a lot of fun. I could have run a lot more but I wanted to stick with my mom. I feel fine. I don't even feel like I worked out. She was/is really feeling it in her knees though. :( Good thing we are getting massages tonight. :)
After the race, we went to a a restaurant and had breakfast. (The race was at 8 am.) Lots of people from the race were there. :) Then we came home.
I ate lunch a few hours ago and still feel like shit for it. I should too. I've been gaining weight like crazy. The scale said I gained 2 pounds between yesterday and today. I've had people tell me that's not possible but it still bothers me! So I'm feeling fat and wish I had another 5k to run. Stupid. I think I should go back to not eating. I'm not hungry so I don't know why I bother to eat. I eat just to eat I guess. Well that needs to stop. Unless I am hungry, I'm not eating. As soon as I get back to my grandparents, I am starting up again on the green tea pills. They really seem to help me lose weight. Although some people don't have those results. I also want to try acai berry cleanse. Has anyone tried that? I just want this weight to drop off of me. I was at my second low weight and I fucking had to blow it. fucking fat ass. Okay, enough of my shit. Might post later. Who knows? Until next time...

hunger, race, sleep

I've noticed that hunger isn't here. I eat just to eat. I don't want to eat. I'm scared to eat. I put food in my mouth because that's what you do. You take a bite, chew chew chew, and swallow. Time after time after time. I just want to starve, starve forever. I want to be skinny, feel skinny. I want to look in the mirror and like what I see. I want to weigh less than 100, less than 95, less than 90. I want to be love myself. I'm tired of living like this, living fat that is. I'm tired of eating. It just makes me feel like shit. It just makes me fat.
My 5k is tomorrow. Oh boy. There are some big hills. Not looking forward to it, the hills that is. I want to do this race. My first one. I'm not sure how I'll do with the crowd. I don't like crowds. It'll be okay. Should I wear my shorts or my sweats? Probably my sweats. Don't want people to see my fat jiggle.
Tired. So tired. Going to sleep.

vanilla wafers

are addicting. I probably had close to 40, if not more. That's 700 calories (140 for eight cookies). Then I had two scoops of baked beans (~140), two spoonfuls of potato salad (~80), and a mint chocolate ice cream bar (270). Grrr. This is why I shouldn't eat. I mean it wasn't a binge but it was more than I wanted. Then I had a bunch of milk, probably 120 cals. I had a Sunny D for breakfast (90). That was so much. 1400 calories. No food tomorrow. I definitely won't weigh 104 tomorrow. I'm sure I'll have gained from all those cookies. FUUUCCCKKKK!!!!! I need to throw those away but they aren't mine. It's okay. I'm only here for a few more days. After the race, I'll go back home and I'll be away from them. After the race, I'm back to fasting. I don't need food.
~~~~~
Today I had my final final. I have completed my second semester of college. 1 year down. 3 (or more) to go. I'm so glad this semester is over. It'll be nice to have some time off.
I'm tired. I want to go to bed. Probably will soon. I can't wait to sleep in again. It'll feel so nice. Ok well I don't have much else to say. Night loves.

104?

I know it's a different scale than the one I usually use so I'm sure this isn't accurate but my parents scale weighed me in at 104 this morning. Yesterday morning I was 105.2. Even after my binge I was 105.2. I don't understand. WTF happened? Not that I'm against it but is it possible? No, obviously the scale is lying to me. Plus I look fatter so I know it really is lying. I can't wait til Sunday/Monday to get my scale back. But if I really do weigh 104, this is my second lowest weight (besides 102). So yay? I don't know.
Haven't eaten today. Not sure if I will. Parents are doing ribs, french fries, baked beans, and potato salad. I wouldn't eat the ribs anyways and I don't like the type of fries my dad bought so it's down to baked beans and potato salad. I must admit I do like those but I still don't know if I'll eat them. We'll see.

the urge

was strong, stronger than I've ever dealt with before. I wanted to scream. I couldn't stop crying. I cried for 40 minutes straight. I felt alone. The urge so strong and me so weak. What was this urge? Purge. I wanted to purge. I've had urges before but this one was different. The emotional pain it was causing me was overwhelming. I wanted to tear at my body. I wanted to stick my fingers down my throat and rid myself of the enemy. (I broke my fast with a binge.) I wanted to be pure and clean. Funny how I say clean. Throw up is not clean. It's messy. It gets on my hair and face. It's gross, yet I thought it would make me clean. I called my therapist. She did not answer. She did not call me back until about 25 minutes ago. (She was in group so she had an excuse.) My mom was of no use. She put me down for eating "unhealthy foods" and told me I was being stupid for crying. Thanks for your help mom. I sort of hung up on her. I said "bye" though. I got through to my blogger friend after about 25 minutes. She calmed me down. She told me she binged too. She told me if I didn't purge, neither would she. It made me realize that I could help her while she was helping me. So it was a win-win. I didn't purge. Neither did she. So go us!
I think I plan on starting another fast. I didn't need to break it today, yet I did. Those bagels were calling out to me. jk. I was weak. I will go longer next time. No, I can't go longer. My race is Saturday. I have to eat. no you don't. you ran two 5k's without food and nothing happened. you'll be fine this time too. No, I have to eat at least a little something. I don't want to pass out before I hit the finish line. I'll fast tomorrow and Friday, eat a little bit on Saturday (I think that's also my brother-in-law's graduation), then go back to fasting. I liked fasting. It was fairly easy. I just have to drink a lot more than I normally would. I find that drinking something with a little bit of sugar makes me feel better. Yesterday and this morning I drank apple juice. I would have been just fine had I stuck with that. I know better now. I will wait until later in the day to break my fast or break it in the morning before I leave to go somewhere. That will prevent binging like I did today.
I just discovered something on facebook. My little sister thinks she's fat. She's 10, t-e-n. She's too young to be thinking all these thoughts. I don't want her to develop into me. She has enough of my symptoms of other disorders. I don't want her developing an eating disorder too. This makes me sad. She's probably 6 inches shorter than me, weighs 70 pounds, and she thinks she's fat. This poor girl thinks she's fat. Did I cause this? Is this my fault? Am I rubbing off on her?
Thoughts racing.
Head hurts.
Want to sleep.
Going to sleep.
Night.

Positives:
-It has been 3 years, 1 month, and 2 days since I last purged. =D

therapy

I was safe. I got through the urge okay. I was having urges in session though. I was so much as to plotting cutting when I got home but then I decided not to. Besides, the urge passed before I got home. So no cutting.
Therapy went okay I suppose. I'm not really sure if I feel any better. K (my therapist) agreed with my mom, saying that I need to set boundaries and mention how past trauma makes me uneasy being touched (if uneasy being touched = freaking the fuck out!). She wants me to set up a safety plan for when I tell my grandparents (mainly my grandpa) about the more restrictive touch rules. She's afraid I'll cut. I'm sure I will...at least I'll have a very strong urge. K said she wasn't sure if what he was doing was inappropriate or just innocent. (I don't fucking see how rubbing my leg all the way up to my crotch is fucking innocent!!)  I just said okay. I wonder if I will set boundaries with my grandpa. I'm scared to hurt his feelings. His feelings matter, mine don't. K disagreed. She did say I was justified in feeling uncomfortable. I guess that's good..
Oh and a lot of you asked about the DBT rule of her not talking too me after I self-harmed. Her reasonings:
1.She didn't want to reinforce the behavior.
2.She didn't want to "raise the high". (In other words, she didn't want to make me more manic.)
Random but there was a cat outside of her office today. He/she/it was cute.

*gulp*

leaving for therapy in an hour.
nervous, so nervous.
what if she doesn't believe me?
how can she after all i've told her?
she'll finally believe i'm a slut.
i don't want her to think i'm a slut.
that's what you are whore.
she should believe it.
i feel like cutting.
fuck i want to cut.
cutting before therapy is bad.
is starving myself not enough punishment?
no fat slut.
it'll never be enough.
you'll never be enough.
die die die die die.
i'm scared.
i don't want to tell her.
have to tell her.
can't tell her.
will tell her?
fuck im confused.

day 2

Successful. Almost complete. No food. Only 120 liquid calories. I had some apple juice and a Crystal Lite drink mix. The apple juice tasted so good. Ran a 5k today with my little sister's running club. Burned around 236. Subtract that and my BMR calories and I'm negative 1361. Woot! Go me.
Tired. So tired.
Feeling (sexually) dirty. Want to crawl out of my skin. My lips are rubbed raw from the urge to wipe them clean. My grandpa has become very touchy feely. He was rubbing my thigh (up to my crotch). My grandma had to tell him to watch his hands. He said he wasn't trying to "get fresh with me". Sure as hell felt like he was. He's also been making me hug him multiple times a day and kiss him on the lips (hence the urge to wipe my lips). I feel so impure and unclean. I want to cut. Carve slut into my flesh. Brand myself. Obviously I'm putting myself out there. slut. whore. tease. die. impure. dirty. cut. you deserve this. I knew this would happen again. you're bringing this on yourself.
Need to starve. Fast forever. Punish. punish punish punish.
Took my biology final. I think I did well.
Bought my books for summer semester. $76. That was more than my biology book. Ridiculous.
Tired. Going to bed.
No positives. Too lazy. Too tired. No positives.

Dear Eating Disorder,

I don't like it when you put me down. I resent food and eating because of you. I hate it when I judge others on body shape or what they eat. I'm fed up with having to look up and obsess over calories. I'm tired of being fat. I want to be normal.
I feel sad when I eat. I feel hurt because I constantly feel like I'm not enough. I feel awful because you tell me I'm a bad person. I feel disappointed because I always eat more than planned. I want to like myself.
I feel afraid of getting fat. I'm afraid of people are judging me and think I'm fat or eating too much. I feel scared because I'm not in control. I want to feel confident about myself.
I'm sorry that I judge others. I'm sorry that I hurt my family. I'm sorry for not wanting to change. Please forgive me for eating. I didn't mean to eat that much. I wish I was skinny.
I love you because you make me skinny. I love when the number on the scale goes down. Thank you for giving me control. I understand you want what's best for me. I forgive you for making my life hell. I want to please you.

(So this isn't really full of anger. It's more just statements. Oh well.)

fast

As in fasting. I didn't eat today. (I'm sure you all know what fasting means. I just wanted to say that I didn't eat. 0.o) I don't plan on eating tomorrow either. Possibly no eating on Wednesday if I can get away with it. Will probably eat on Thursday. Won't want to but I probably will. Three days of fasting should suffice. I wish I could do longer. I'll probably end up throwing up. I don't know why I do that. Sometimes when I go without eating for too long I throw up. It's rather annoying and gross. Bile is icky. I did drink a lot of calories today though. Probably around 215. I had a Powerade (200), half of a Crystal Lite drink (5), and a few sips of soy milk (~10). Could have been better. I wish I would have had a Powerade Zero but there weren't any left. Oh well. I burned it all off. I went on a 3 mile run/walk. I walked about .6 miles when we went to look at an apartment. So I burned around 245 putting me negative 30 calories. Then if you add my BMR, I was negative 1,286. That's pretty kick ass. I like being so negative. Plus I took a green tea pill today and I've lost .8 pounds since this morning. Again, kick ass.
Today has been a pretty good day (besides food). I read my final chapter and wrote my extra credit paper. It's a little longer than two pages. Hope the teacher doesn't mind.
I went to the eating disorder DBT group. I like this one much better. The girls were still all older than me but I seemed to be closer age to them than in the other group. I like this leader much better. It's kinda funny because she has the same name as the old group leader. I wrote a letter to my ED. I might post it. I don't know. It's an angry letter with love and understanding at the bottom. I guess I can post it. I'll do that next.
Tired. So tired.
I have my first final tomorrow. 0.o Nervous but not horribly nervous. I think I know the material pretty well. At least I hope I do...
Ummm, my buddy's still in the hospital. :(
I'm lonely.
Don't know what else to say.
Later my loves.

24 hours

I have spent the last 24 hours in a good mood. Well, I take that back. I was in quite the bitchy mood last night after my therapist told me she couldn't (more like wouldn't) talk to me for 24 hours. I almost took some pills (to get high). I opened the pill box and had a drink and everything. Then I decided it wasn't worth it. I just wanted to go to sleep. It took me almost two hours to go to sleep. Fucking pissed me off. Then I wake up at three in the morning and can't fall back asleep because my thoughts were racing about my therapist again. Grrrr. But I must say once I was up for the day (after 9 am), I started feeling better.  Actually, no, not quite that early. I was still upset. I told my grandparents I cut when I was telling them why I was in a bad mood. They weren't mad or anything so I guess that's good.
I cleaned my room..like dusted and vacuumed and all that lovely shizz.
Read two chapters for biology. Only one more to read. Final is Tuesday. 0.o
Worked a little bit on math. I actually remembered how to do some of the stuff. 0.o x 2493493579257979
My grandparents house is officially on the market. Did I tell you guys that I would be moving? Well, if not, you know now. We have to downsize. My grandparents can't afford the house payment anymore. It's sad because I just moved in and got unpacked just to have to pack up and move again. :( My grandparents have lived here for 13 years. I wish they didn't have to move. They wish so too.
I ate too much..as usual. My grandpa is buying me a hot fudge sundae. Just what I need. FAT ASS!!
My friend is still in the hospital.
My mom and sister are home from camping. My little sister fell in the lake. Classic. lol.
Ummm, I don't know what else to say.
Oh yes I do. I just want to say that I'm here for anyone who is struggling. I'm sorry that things have been so hard on people lately with deaths and self-harm. Makes me sad. I wish the world didn't rain on people who deserved the sun. I love you guys. Please stay safe.

Positives (it's been awhile since I've done these):
-I had yummy pancakes.
-I saw my mommy.
-I wasn't as stressed out today.
-I didn't OD last night.

fucking a!

I texted my therapist awhile ago asking her what to do when I felt out of control.
She said "Radical acceptance. Stop trying to contorl. Accept and go with the flow."
To which I responded "That's not helpful. it's a little late for radical acceptance. unless im accepting that on my 2 month anniversary of not cutting i cut. pathetic. the self-destruct urge continues."
"Sorry that happened. Do you need medical attention?""No im fine."
"Ok. Well DBT rules are that I can't talk to you for 24 hrs. Stay safe. If necessary, go to the hospital."
"Ok."

Thanks for all your help therapist. Glad to know I can fucking count on you. Maybe I should just do something more. Man fuck you bitch.

a poem

A sad young girl, alone and scared,
sits hidden in the corner.
Trying to control the urge
To not use the things before her.
"It's just a few pills.
It's just a few cuts."
The girl tries to rationalize,
But deep inside, the girl she knows
That what she's telling herself is lies.
She wonders now what should she do.
Should she pick up the blade and cut?
Or instead she looks at the pills,
Should she take a little too much?
This sad young girl, alone and scared,
Confused on where she's going.
She knows that if she gives in
The outcome is beyond her knowing.
With tears in her eyes,
The young girl cries
And tries to make up her mind.
"I don't care.
It's just not fair.
Right now I want to die."
With shaky hands and falling tears
The girl gives into sin.
She let the urges take control.
She let the monster win.
And as she lays there on the floor,
Her thoughts swirling in her head.
She realizes there were so many things
She should have done instead.
But it's too late,
The damage's done.
She cannot rewind time.
So the young girl lays there dying
Asking herself why.

tell me what do you do when it all falls apart?

I'll tell you what I did. I fucking cut. 3 lines on my hip. 1. 2. 3. Just like that it was over. Just like that it was done. No point in saying sorry because this can't be undone. Two months down the drain and for what? Finals that I know I'm going to bomb? Anger over being stupid in math? Feeling alone? Feeling hopeless?
No. I cut because I wanted to. I was simply too lazy to fight. I simply said "fuck two months. I'm going to go cut myself." and like an idiot, I did. How badly I wanted to cut my wrists. Slash up my arms and bloody up the bathtub. But did I? No. I was controlled. Yeah, so in "control" that I cut. That's fucking out of control. Is it possible to be out of control but in control at the same time? I think it is. I wanted to do more but I didn't. I stopped myself..but not BEFORE I did it. Therefore, I was not in control. I have lost it. I have motherfucking lost it. What's next? Taking pills? Maybe I should. No Amber. You can't take the pills. But I cut. I already fucked up. Why not really screw myself over? Because Amber, you have finals next week. Finals? You're reminding me about finals?! The fucking reason I'm losing my god damn mind!! Fuck finals. I want those pills! Don't take them Amber. Think smart. Be reasonable. Do you really want to blow your second semester? It's already blown for my math class! So I still have biology. What good does that do me? I needed math too but no, I fucked that one up. Man, fuck this!

DIE SLUT

I'm (not) okay

My therapist did end up calling me back last night. We talked for about 13 minutes. That's the longest time we've ever talked on the phone. She calmed me down and gave me some suggestions for what to do. I guess they helped. I didn't cut or take pills. Believe it or not, this is my two month anniversary of not cutting. That's quite the accomplishment considering the past two weeks. There have been so many times lately when all I've wanted is to be self-destructive. I've just wanted to cut, bleed, scream, overdose, purge, die. I'm not depressed. I'm just very stressed out. Finals are next week and I'm nowhere near ready. I tried to read my chapters for biology. I had to quit half way through because I couldn't concentrate. Then I tried working some more on my math review. It makes me feel so stupid. My grandparents just keep telling me not to get upset. That doesn't do me any good. That's like telling me when I have an urge not to do it but not giving me skills to get through safely. It pisses me off. They aren't helping. And now my grandpa is being all touchy feely. It's like get the fuck off. I don't want to be touched. He wants all these stupid hugs and kisses every time I see him. It's like leave me the fuck alone. Then he was rubbing my stomach this morning. It's like don't fucking touch me! Grrrr. I am just very unhappy right now. Great, urge to cut is back. Maybe I will. I'm tired of fighting.

help?

I cried today. I mean I literally curled up into a ball and cried, the overwhelming feelings of hopelessness and suicidalness taking over. I was hurting emotionally. I wanted to numb the pain. I wanted to end the pain. Instead, I reached out. I called my therapist. Even though she didn't answer, I got through it okay. I still feel the pain but it's not as extreme. I still wish I could numb it. I wish I could take it all away but I don't think I'm going to do anything negative. It's hard because right now I feel so out of control. I want to talk to someone but I have no one to talk to. My best friend is in the hospital. My therapist isn't answering. My mom is on a Girl Scout camping trip. My grandparents don't understand. Great, I'm crying again. I feel so alone. I want someone to comfort me and tell me it's all going to be okay.. I want someone to talk to who can actually understand. I wish I had a person in real life who I could talk to. All the people I could go to are unavailable. Makes me wish I had more friends. What would I say to them though? "Right now I feel like slitting my wrists and taking some pills." Yeah, somehow I don't feel as if that would be the most appropriate thing to say..to anyone for that matter. I really wish my therapist would call me back. The urges are coming back. Maybe typing this out isn't helping. I just feel really hopeless right now. I'm on self-destruct. I can't do this. I'm sorry.

one down..

three to go. Finals that is. I got a 94.3% on my Criminology final giving me a 98.9% for the class. Go me!! =D Now if only I could do that good on my other finals.
Didn't wake up til 8:30 this morning. I have to be at school at 9. It take an average of 20-25 minutes to get there. I got there at 9:06 so I guess it wasn't too bad but I felt bad for being late.
Wrote my letter of understanding for session. I actually think I did pretty good on it.
Saw my therapist. It was more like a show and tell than an actual talking session. We went for a quick walk around the block. I asked her today if she could even tell that I've lost weight since I started seeing her. She said it was the first thing she noticed today. :) No. :( No. =/ I don't know how I feel about it. I just feel like I'm not losing enough weight because otherwise people would be telling me I'm too skinny or I've lost too much weight. Obviously I'm too fucking fat for that. must lose weight. have to lose weight. fat fat fat fat fat.
Did absolutely no studying for finals today. I've been cleaning up the house for my grandma.
Want to know something great? I can read blogs again!! I was so excited when I saw the list of blogs I follow. Made me very happy. I missed knowing how people were doing. I tried to comment on everyone's blog but I don't remember if I did or not. Just know that I read them...finally. :)
I'm joining the gym at my school this summer. I can use it for a little less than two months. It's a good thing. I'm going to be there Monday-Friday for Driver's Ed so I can just do my workout after that. Super excited. Weight/fat loss here I come!
I'm fucking tired. I'm tired of being tired. I need to wake up. I kind of feel like being bad, like cutting or taking some pills or something...not enough to do any damage though, just to get high. I've been having the "let's get high" urge a lot lately. I don't know why. I've never purposely made myself high (with the exception of making myself pass out). Maybe I'll do that. Give me a chance to black out for awhile. I'm never out for longer than 30-60 seconds. I just fall to the ground and twitch. lol. No really though, I twitch. (I videotaped myself a couple of times. One time I even said something but I couldn't understand what I said.) So yes, maybe play the pass out game. Maybe take some pills. Stay away from the pills Amber. You can't afford to have anything bad happen the last week of classes. Sorry, you all must think I'm crazy. Having urges to cut and kill myself and now make myself high. What a loony I am.
Well I'm going to go.

Positives:
-I got an A on my final.
-I got an A in my Criminology class. =D
-I get to go to the gym this summer.

good news...

I didn't cut. It was tough though. I didn't call my therapist right away. I was too scared. I just tried distracting myself. I signed on to facebook and my friend was on so I talked to her. She wasn't doing well either. She told me she was thinking about signing herself back into the hospital. Things really aren't going well for her. :( I just want her to feel better. I hate her feeling like this because I was there and I know how dark of a place that is. I'm just really worried about her. Anyways, I was listening to music and decided to get up and dance for a song. That cheered me up. :) Then we talked a little more before she got a call back from her therapist. Then I was all by my lonesome. The urge came back. I tried doing a sudoku but the urge wasn't fading. So then I called my therapist. You want to know what she said? "Distract yourself." It's like "NO SHIT!! What the fuck do you think I've been doing for the past hour??" She told me to watch a movie. I didn't like my movie selection so I watched youtube videos. I rediscovered Kendal Glover. She's an amazing 11 (maybe 12) year old dancer. She has some serious talent. Then my grandma came home and we went and got ice cream. Now I'm typing this. 0.o
Food was too much. At least 2000 calories. I had a mini binge. :(
School was okay. I froze my butt off in the biology lab. It felt nice walking outside to my next class. I took my math class. Doubting how I did. Maybe a B if I'm lucky. Stupid formulas.
Not much else going on.
I'm tired as hell. I'm going to bed.
Still can't see blogs. >.<

Positives:
-The house is a bit cooler than yesterday.
-I didn't cut.
-I finished reading my chapter for my final tomorrow. (However, I didn't look at the powerpoint. 0.o)

sh*t

I feel like cutting. I feel like purging. How bout both? Neither? Yes, neither. No, both. Up down up down. Fucking confused as fuck. Might call my therapist. She'll just be like "use your skills". Well it's like no shit Sherlock. Not that I would say that to her but right now I'm sure as hell thinking it. God, it's so tempting. I was bad today. I bought the hobby (art) knife from the school store. What the FUCK was I thinking? It's sharp, so sharp. I want to use it...badly. It's been almost two months since I cut. 4 more days and it'll have been two months. Do I really want to throw that away? Yes. No. Maybe? FUCK I don't know! I shouldn't have bought it but I had to. I needed to. Now I have three (shaving) razor blades and a hobby knife. FML. Why do I have such sharp things? I need to dispose of them. No, I want them. I need them. I have to have them. I can't tell my therapist. She'll make me get rid of them. She'll tell my family I have something. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK!!! Ugh, I fucking want to cut. I'm going to go...cut? Maybe. Call therapist? Yes.

Food food food.. Why do I eat you? Today was not horrible but it could have been better.
Breakfast:
-none :)
Lunch:
-grilled honey mustard snack wrap (260)
-medium frozen strawberry lemonade (270!!!)
Dinner:
-bbq chicken (200)
-light yogurt (100)
-pasta salad (130)
-mashed potatoes (80)
Drinks:
-Diet V8 Splash (20)
Total: 1040 calories

Damn, no wonder I'm so fat. I weighed myself and was 108.6! It was like O.o holy shit fat ass!! I will not reach my goal of 105 by Wednesday. Fuck a duck. I swear my therapist must think I'm a fat fuck.
Today was my last day of this group. Next week I start the eating disorder group. When I told today's group leader that I was switching groups, she asked which one I was going to and I told her Monday morning. She was like "oh! the eating disorder group?". I could have died of embarrassment. I'm sure they were all laughing inside going "that girl doesn't have an eating disorder. she's too fat!". I can't say I'd blame them. I mean I am quite obviously fat with my thunder thighs and bloated stomach. Ugh, I'm disgusting. Oh, so I guess I should tell you how the group actually went. We had to write love letters to a person we are/were mad at. I wrote mine to myself. Then the group leader had some of us read them out loud. I could have died of embarrassment (for the second time). So I'm just glad that group's over. I did not like it.
School was good. I have a final on Wednesday in Criminology. I need to read the chapter. I also need to read the chapter for biology. I was doing that earlier today but I couldn't concentrate on what I was reading so I just gave up. fail. I did get some math accomplished which is good because that means I am (almost/hopefully) ready for the test tomorrow. I have to get a good grade on it. I'm at a 79.5% right now which means an A or B would boost it up to a B (preferably an A if possible!!). Super nervous for that test. Then I have my Intro to Admin. of Justice final on Friday and my remaining two finals on the 17th and 19th. 0.o It's crunch time. Thankfully my biology test isn't comprehensive. I am bad at that kind of test.
So yeah.
My buddy and I were talking about her coming down for the fourth of July.It's exciting!! =D She sent me a message on facebook telling me she was still talking to R and that she was even going to go to his house this weekend! I was like W-T-F???!! I do NOT like this. I've told her (and so have many other people) that R is not good for her and she's letting him back into her life. We were talking about ways to tell his kids that she wasn't going to see them again and now their dad is back in! I don't fucking understand!! Then she's letting another girl H walk all over her. I hate it. I hate H! I hate R! fuckfaces. (>.<)
Okay, enough pathetic talk. Still can't see blogs. Sorry guys. I'll read them as soon as I can. Love you!

Positives:
-It was my last time going to this group.
-I looked cute (for the most part).
-I did some math homework.
-I didn't binge when I was home alone.
-It's almost bed time!!

mothertrucker!!

I logged in last night and couldn't read any blogs. Same thing today. WTF????!!!!!!! Is anyone else having this problem?

Happy Mother's Day

Well, it wasn't exactly the best day for my mom. My little sister is sick. She was running a temperature of 104. That's super high considering her average body temp is below 98.6 (the average human body temp). She threw up a couple of times and was so cold. We couldn't let her have any more blankets though. She had goose bumps. Poor girl. I hope you feel better Squirt!
We watched movies/tv all day: Step Up, Step Up 2, National Treasure 2, and Disney Channel. Fun stuff. No really, it was. :)
My mom made her own pancake breakfast. I had four pancakes with regular syrup so that was probably around 450. Plus I had a small glass of OJ (65). Wow fat ass. That's a lot for one meal. I had Ramen Noodles for lunch (380). I had two sweet teas from the gas station so at least 300.
We went to my aunt's house to celebrate Mother's Day with my family, her family, and my grandparents. I didn't eat anything. I know I should have but it was just like the food turned me off. I was kind of scared of it. I kept noticing how big people seemed. I was judging my own family and I feel horrible about it. I'm such a bitch. I wish I didn't constantly judge people on their bodies and how much they eat. It's not nice. I know I hate the feeling of being judged and I do it myself. fucking hypocrite. I must say I was totally disgusted by myself today. I wore a skirt. When I was at my aunt's house, I realized how fat my thighs were. I can't believe I thought I would look good in that. fat ass. So no dinner.
It's late. I should be in bed. Technically I am in bed but I mean laying down to go to sleep. So I'm going to go do that. Good night lovelies!

Positives:
-I enjoyed watching movies/tv with my family.
-I didn't eat dinner.

Mexican food and custard

Fuck.My.Life.
I did so good today food-wise until it came to dinner. I gorged myself on a tostada and half an enchilada (both were vegetarian). Plus I had chips and salsa. I felt so full and so gross. I wanted to purge so bad. One of my strongest urges in awhile. :( I didn't though so it's all good I guess. But not really because now I'm stuck with at least 2 pounds of Mexican food in me. To top it off, I had a frozen custard afterwards. Lack of self-control = motherfucking FAT ASS!! I can't believe myself. I don't know why I thought I could eat that much and be okay with it. I am NOT okay with it. I am disgusted, pissed, furious that I ate so much. I'll be back above 108 tomorrow, not that I'll be able to know for sure since I don't have my scale. I guess I'll find out the damage on Monday.
I met up with my friends. It was okay. We walked around the mall twice and ran some errands. We were going to see a movie but E didn't want to see it so we just changed the plans (hence walking around the mall a second time).
I got a new top. I almost got a new dress but it was too expensive ($30). I really liked it though. My mom said it was a different color on me. I thought it looked cute. Oh well. I still got the top I liked so it was all good.
I don't know. I guess that's all for my day. Night loves.

Positives:
-I met up with my friends.
-I got a cute new top.

Yeah, I jacked this from someone else's blog but it summarizes my crazy mind.

better

Thanks for your concern and kind comments. I wass able to get through the night safely. I'm feeling better now. I don't really know what happened to cause that. I know it's happened to me before. I just don't know why. But it's all okay now.
I'm meeting my friends in about an hour and a half. 0.o I'm not happy with my weight. Even though I ate less than 1000 calories yesterday, I gained .8 pounds. It's like WTF?! So now I'm 107.4. Grrr. fat ass. I want to be 105 when I go to see my therapist on Wednesday. I'm sure she laughs when I tell her I have an eating disorder. I'm obviously much too fat for that. I wonder if she can even tell I've lost 13 pounds since I started seeing her. That's really not much. I should be way below where I am considering I've been at this since August. fucking pig.
Okay, I guess that's all.
Oh wait. I'm spending the night with my mom since tomorrow is Mother's Day (in the USA anyways). I'm taking my laptop but I'm not sure what all I'll be doing tonight/tomorrow so not sure on posting.
Okay, that's really all.

out of it

I'm just a little bit out of it. My head's in a fog. I'm not sure what's going on. Sleep to come soon. I want to sleep forever. I'm tempted to cut. Haven't had an urge to cut in awhile. I take that back. I had some last week. Nothing makes sense right now. I'm confused. What the fuck is going on? I feel like I'm on a bad trip. That reminds me. I have pills. I could take some and have a real trip. I'm kinda dizzy. I can barely concentrate. Why am I typing this? Am I making sense? I'm not making sense. I'm losing it. I should just go to sleep. I want to die. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I like this? My heart beat is slow. Did I take something already? What did I do? I don't think I did anything. I need sleep. I'm going to sleep. Good night.

brain dead

My brain is like not functioning right now. I'm trying to recall what all I ate today and add up all the caloires but my brain isn't working. So I shall type it out (and you all will think I'm a fat ass) and hopefully I'll get myself straightened out.
Breakfast:
-Special K bar (90)
Lunch:
-Lucky Charms w/ soy milk (180)
Dinner:
-4 oz of chicken with bbq sauce (180)
-mixed veggies (60)
-baked potato thing (200)
Dessert/Snack:
-light yogurt (100)
Drink:
-V8 Splash diet (15)
Grand Total: 825 calories

So I guess the damage isn't as bad as I thought it was. Shouldn't have eaten the yogurt or baked potato though. That would have made it better.
I've accomplished some homework today. That's good. I haven't done much else besides school.
OH!! That reminds me. I took my test today. Guess what I got! *Drumroll please*...........100%!!!!!! Woo-hoooooooooo!!!!! Go me! =D I was super psyched when I found out. Still am pretty psyched in case you couldn't tell. ;)
I can't wait for Tuesday. I think I'm going to buy that sharp something at the store. Yes, that sounds like a plan. Buying the sharp does not necessarily equal using the sharp. I just want it..just in case. Not that I don't already have three (shaving) razor blades. But really, they aren't that sharp. I want something I can barely press down and have my arm just bleed away. Maybe I'll bleed out the insanity like the way they used to back in the old days. It's called blood letting. They actually did that. Crazy shit. Let's see if it works.
I'm a bit out of it right now. I don't know why. I'm kinda tired. No, not kinda. I am tired. I want to sleep. I want to sleep for a long time.
I'm meeting friends tomorrow. Shit. They'll think I'm fat. I'm below 107 but that's not good enough. It's not good enough until I'm 102 (or below). It's not good enough until my BMI is less than 17.5. fucking fat ass.
I should go. I'm rambling. I want to stay. I'm going to go. I think I'll post later..maybe. I don't know. Right, going.

a look inside my journal



Inside the INSANE Asylum (title page)





RNJ- Rape is Never Justified
My sister's organization





The collage

Not many pictures because my camera/computer is giving me a hard time. Sorry some of them are crooked. Maybe I'll post more at another time.

punishment

I felt like punishing myself tonight for going over 1000 again. I didn't have an urge to cut really, but I was telling myself to cut. I felt like I needed to cut myself to punish myself for "sinning". It's fucked up when you try to talk yourself into cutting. I didn't end up cutting. Instead, I made a collage. It's shitty (and negative) but it distracted me for a good hour and fifteen minutes.
The rest of my day was good I suppose.
School was fine. I think I'm screwed for my math test on Tuesday. I have to work on sequence(s) equations, sums and Sigma Notation. 0.o That's a lot of stuff. Oh boy.
I finished reading the last chapter for my intro test tomorrow. I even printed out the study guide. Go me! lol.
My head hurts. I think it's from the smell of gasoline coming up from the basement. Hopefully I won't die in my sleep tonight. 0.o
Okay, I guess that's all. Boring post.

Positives:
-I didn't "act out".
-I read the last chapter for my test.
-I did something constructive with my time.
-I filled out my diary card the actual day it happened. 0.o

Night lovelies!

not poptarts...

peanut butter. I swear they need to make that stuff 0 calories. I probably just ate like 300 calories worth of it. fuck fuck fuck. I was doing pretty good til I decided to go eat dinner. I had only had 400 calories (light yogurt-100, Special K bar-90, wild berry smoothie-210). Then I ate dinner: chicken (160), mashed potatoes (80), green beans (20), and a peach parfait thing (120). That right there is 380 calories which brings my total before mini-binge to 780. Add peanut butter (300), two Hershey Kisses (46), and Nerds (~120) and now I'm above 1000..1246 total. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckity fuck fuck. I've been above 1000 almost every day of this month!! What the hell is wrong with me?! I must want to be fat. I weighed in at 106.4 this morning. I'll probably be back above 107 tomorrow. fucking fat ass.

motherf'in poptarts

In my previous post I said I did good food wise. Well now that's not so true. I ate dinner (which was horribly gross). I have no idea how many calories but surely not more than 200. Then I ate a Peepster (32) and a Hershey Kiss (~23) and some Nerds (60). Then I decided to blow it and eat some Pop-tarts (400). fuck fuck fuck a duck!! I also drank some soy milk (~50) and some Crystal Lite water (10). Now I really am a fat ass. Grand total of calories: 1225!! >.< GRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!! I am pissed off. I also didn't have a chance to burn off any more calories because I was busy doing school work. Fucking monkeys!!
So that's really all for my day. Just thougth I'd do a food update. Oh and I guess I owe you positives.

Positives:
-I exercised.
-My friend went back to college today.
-I had a good session.
-I did some homework.

I guess that's it.

1.5

miles that is. I ran probably 1-1.2 miles of it so that's good. I did get a bit tired but I kept pushing on. :) I still feel like it wasn't enough but I was breathing so hard I didn't think I could keep going. I'm so out of shape. 0.o
Session was good today, not as intense as the past couple of sessions. My therapist wanted to take it easy on me, especially since I told her I was having urges in session last time. We still talked about some tough stuff. I revealed even more embarrassing things about me. I swear she probably thinks I'm a freak. I don't know..probably not really. I mean she's been very open and not judgmental so I'm sure she doesn't really care. I think she's just glad I'm being open and honest with her. This is the most in-depth I've gotten with any therapist I've ever seen. That is huge. She knows more about me than even my best friend and my best friend knows a lot. But it's a good thing. I'm making progress. I'm finding her assignments to be very hard. I'm very judgmental. That's hard to break. I've put so many labels on myself and so many judgments that I can't seem to get rid of. It's really not good. My assignment is back to my original assignment of writing a letter of apology to myself. She wants it to be understanding and forgiving (obviously). I don't think I can do it. It's not that I won't try. It's just that so far all my assignments turn out to not work ass planned. I go into emotion mind and judge myself. I was even judgmental in third person! I tried really hard not to be but I couldn't break it. =/ Hopefully I can make some improvements and push forward in the process of forgiving myself. It's going to be one hell of a hill mountain to climb.
Okay, enough therapy chat.
My day has been good so far other than the mentioned stuff.
I read 1.5 chapters for my intro class. :)
I've barely eaten anything (450 calories). =)
I do have some not so good news..my friend told me she's quitting therapy. I'm not thinking that's a good idea seeing as she's really unstable right now. I know one of the last times I tried quitting therapy I laid down in the middle of the street to try to kill myself. Not that she's going to do that but still. Just saying it's a really bad idea. I want to talk her out of it but she is 20 and can make her own decisions. Who am I to stop her? Does anyone have any advice for me on how to get her to continue therapy? I plan on telling her my own personal experiences but I don't know if that's enough. Probably not. She seems like she's made up her mind. I just want the best for her and this is definitely not what's best. =(
I just calculated how many calories I burned from running: 116. That is not very good. Maybe I'll work out again tonight. I'm in a fat mood right now. =( Seeing that I ate 450 calories now seems like so much when just a few minutes ago it felt so good. =( Poop.
Okay, this has been really long, one of the longest I've had in awhile, so I'll go now. Thanks for reading!

homework fail

I have three chapters to read for my test on Friday and I'm still not finished with the first one!! FAIL!! I also need to answer my biology lab questions and do four sections of math homework. Way to stay on top of it Amber..NOT!!
I'm feeling a bit better I suppose. I still feel fat. I ended up eating three Tootsie Pop Drops (45) and drinking a sweet tea from the gas station (~90). So total for today: 875 calories. Way better than yesterday. Could be better though.
Good news though..I got a 94% on my biology test!!! Do you know what that means?? It means I have an A in the class!!! Woooooooooo-hooooooooooooo!!!! It's a 90.6% to be exact. I'm waaaaaaay excited!! (in case you couldn't tell by all the exclamation points. hehe) =D x 938492349329589
Umm I went for a quick run. It was only a mile and I didn't have a chance to go on my second run because my mom got home to late. Oh well. It was exercise at least. Better than I have been doing. :)
I don't know. I guess that's it.
Oh wait! My friend is starting college (again) tomorrow. She says it's going to make or break her. I prefer the first option. She also told me that they've (her group home) been talking about sending her back to the hospital. I hope not but if that's what she needs, then so be it. I just want her to be safe.
Okay, that's really it. Night lovelies!

Positives:
-I got a 94% on my biology test!! :)
-I now have an A in my biology class!! =D
-Not eating more than what I ate this afternoon.
-I got out and exercised.
-My buddy is going back to school. :)

it's a

fat day, a big gross totallydisgusting fat day. I have eaten like a pig. It would have been okay had I not felt nauseous this morning and had to eat. (I really don't understand why not eating makes me nauseous sometimes) Then after my biology class, I bought a Snickers bar (280)! It's like what the FUCK? Why would you do that? I proceeded to eat it before entering my next class. Came home and what did I do? I ate a bowl of cereal (160). Then I decided that wasn't enough so I had some strawberry dessert thing from Easter (it was probably bad but it still tasted okay so who knows?). I have no clue how many calories were in that so I'll say 200. fucking fat ass! This was supposed to be a good day. Tuesdays/Thursdays are supposed to be my days where I only eat a 90-100 calorie snack and then dinner. But did I do that today? No. Why? Because I'm a fat ass. So right now I'm feeling like shit. I can't wait to go for a run tonight with my mom. Maybe I should go on two. Yeah, I think I'll do one now. Later.

hi!

Sooo I lost .4 pounds this morning. Don't know how I swung that but hey, I'll take it. :)
Skipped breakfast.
Went to school. We talked about the truth about gangs in Criminology for a girl's presentation. I bet she just wanted the teacher to shut up so she could be done. But nope, he just kept on asking questions. lol. Sucked for her. It was kinda interesting though. Gangs are scary stuff. Don't get involved in one.
Went to out to lunch before group. Wendy's chicken go wrap (260) and a medium sweet tea (140). Then we went to a frozen yogurt place. I had 6.1 oz of frozen yogurt. 0.o That was approximately 175 calories.
Went to group. I hate group..with a passion. The people never shut up and I don't like the way the leader teaches us. Grrrrrr x 935993457934759475!
I had a session with my psychiatrist two hours after group got out so we had some time to kill. We went to the mall and bought cookies from Panera Bread. I had an oatmeal raisin cookie (370). We walked around Barnes and Noble for awhile. Then we left for my session.
The session went well. My psychiatrist actually offered to take me off one of my meds but I said I wanted to stay on it. I don't want to mess with my good mood. Plus, summer is coming up and I don't have as much structure. I don't do well without structure. He understood. He also thought I was doing so well that he decided to push out my session six weeks instead of four. Woot! Go me!
We had an endless amount of errands to run once that was over. My grandparents fought about where the bank was. We drove backwards(not literally!!) just to turn around and drive back to our needed location: the grocery store. It took us forever in the grocery store. We bought $215 worth of groceries. Fucking ridiculous.
Dinner was too much, waaaay too much. I had a turkey burger with cheese and condiments (160 + 110 + 45 + 20 = 335), aspargus with cheese (~80), and corn on the cob (~115). Holy shit that's a lot of food. 530 calories total for dinner. fatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfat Total calories for the day = 1475!! What the fuck is wrong with me?! I obviously want to get fat. Two days over 1000? That is just too much. That is very unacceptable. I hate having to eat with my grandparents. I wish I lived by myself so I could just not buy food and not have to worry about it. Fucking monkeys!
Enough about that...
My friend is feeling suicidal again. I'm really worried about her. She says she is being more open with me but she's really not. I get the whole after-it-happens notifications. I don't want to text her one day to find out she's gone without her saying good-bye. I really wish she would talk to me. I mean really talk to me. I don't even know what's wrong. I feel like she doesn't trust me. What more can I do? What can I say to make her better? I just want to help but instead I feel so helpless. I don't know what to do.
My race is in less than three weeks!! 0.o Yikes! I'm so not ready. I'm still way out of shape. It's only a 5k(3.3 miles) but still. I want to complete it in an hour or less.That's 1.1 miles every 20 minutes. I should be able to handle that. It also depends on if I run with my mom or not. If I ditch her (that sounds so mean!), maybe I'll go faster. Who knows? The race is the 21st of this month. Oh boy! I'm actually kind of excited. :) This is a big deal for me. I've never done a race before. It'll be cool. :)
Okay, well I'm tired and it's getting late. Blogs have still not been read. I will try my hardest to get them read tomorrow. Good night loves!

Positives:
-I lost .4 pounds.
-I went to group even though I hate it.
-I enjoyed the cookie.
-My session with my psychiatrist went well.
-My psychiatrist sees improvement. :)
-My race is coming up!!

yet another game

only this time, they lost. :( My cousin's team did really well though. They played their hardest. Good job Blazers!!
Other than that, my day was uneventful. I folded my laundry, worked on my math homework, and played on the computer. Ever so exciting. lol just kidding.
My friend isn't doing well. I'm worried about her. I want her to feel better. Now I know how she felt when I was all depressed and not doing well. She ended up burning herself last night. I wish she would have talked to me. I offered to talk to her but she just refused, saying she was going to bed. I don't consider burning yourself going to bed. Oh well. The damage is done. I just hope she can pull it together for the summer. If she's not stable, my grandma won't let her come and stay with us. That would make me very sad. :(
Food today was not great but it wasn't totally horrible.
Breakfast:
1.5 biscuits-270 cals
condiments for biscuits~70 cals
Dinner:
potato thing-180 cals
4 oz chicken-163 cals
little bits of lettuce and tomoato~20 cals
Dessert:
remaining bit of chocolate bunny-170 cals
Drinks:
vanilla soy milk~50 cals
hot chocolate~120 cals
flavored water-10 cals
Grand Total = 1053 calories
That is actually way worse than I thought. fuck a duck. That would explain why I gained 2.2 pounds of food weight. Grrr. I was hoping to stay under 1000 calories. I should have really been under 750 but instead I pigged out. Oh well. The damage has been done and it wasn't horrible horrible. I will do better tomorrow.
My sunburn still hurts..really bad. Owie. :(
Okay, well that's enough of my complaining. School tomorrow morning. Got to wake up early so good night!!

Positives:
-I slept in.
-I folded my laundry.

Happy May!

Here it is, the first day of May. Can you believe four months have gone by already this year? F'ing crazy I'm telling ya. As you saw (or maybe haven't seen yet), I posted my goals for May last night. I'm ready for this month. It's going to be good. April was pretty good. I want the good to continue. So here I go, starting my journey through yet another month.
Less than three weeks til school's out. :)
A month until the pool opens.
Nervous? Yes.
Can I get through this month without any major problems? Yes...hopefully.
Will I lose weight? I sure as hell hope so.
Oh that reminds me. I weighed in this morning at 107.6. :) I am back on track.
I can do this. So can you!