emotional roller coaster

I have been on a serious emotional roller coaster ride all day. I was down about the weight gain and made a plan to fast. I lasted until about 2 pm. After I ate, I started talking to my texting buddy from PT, Lyn. As the conversation progressed, my thoughts became darker. I stated I wanted to die. Lyn told me that she thought of me as a little sister. She would miss me if I died. That made me feel a million times better. Then as the day progressed even further, my mood died down as I was told we were going to IHOP, my weakness. I have a serious weakness for pancakes. So we got there. I ordered hot chocolate and chocolate chip pancakes. I received my four, yes FOUR, chocolate chip pancakes and ate them all. I ate them all with strawberry syrup. I also drank two hot chocolates with whipped cream. I felt full. I felt beyond full. I was so full my stomach hurt. I wanted to purge. I probably would have purged in the bathroom had there not been little kids in there. I texted my therapist for advice. She didn't respond for like 45 minutes. By this time we had left the restraunt and were in a laundromat to dry some clothes. While there, the urge continued. I finally broke down and went out in the car to talk to her. I talked to her for awhile. I got loud a couple of times and cried a whole bunch. I felt a little better afterwards though so I guess it was worth sitting out in the cold. So no purging. I get to keep my two year and nine month purge free record. Well it will be that in two days (the 16th). I feel kinda shitty again. Back to feeling hopeless and suicidal. I posted a thing on PT on a forum called Confessions. Let's just say I let out my plan(s). Probably not the best idea but I doubt anyone will care. No one will stop me. After all, no one knows who I am. All they see is a shitty picture with the name Amber next to it. Fuck the world. I'm going to bed because I'm just getting pissed off. Another mood swing. Sorry I killed the good mood. Night.