but yet I feel so weak. As I watch my body morph into a fat monster, I sit back and wonder if I'll ever be happy with myself again. Ever since I started exercising more, I feel like I'm doing less. I see myself grow bigger. It's as if the exercise is making me worse. It's making me fatter! But surely it can't be, can it? I shouldn't be ballooning. I should be shrinking. Why do I look (and feel) so much fatter? I can't be gaining muscle already. I've only been working out to this tape for 5 days. I do the occasional walk/run. I can't be getting bigger. I don't understand. As the number on the scale slowly works its way back down, I can't help but to think my scale is lying to me. If I'm losing, why do I look like I'm gaining? Please don't tell me it's my body dysmorphic disorder. I know my mind distorts my body image but this surely isn't the cause. This happens every time I work out. My body expands. It grows until I stop working out. Then slowly it shrinks again, back to "acceptable" size. It doesn't help that my therapist told me I need to tone (my body). In my head, she is telling me I'm fat. I know that is not what she is saying but that is what my mind is hearing. I'm fat. I'm fat. I'm fat. I'm fat. I'm fat. I may be happier overall, but my eating disorder is very mad. I am losing control over food. I am not burning enugh calories. I weigh too much. I have too much fat. I
am too fat. Why am I like this? Why can't I see myself as I really am? I'm "skinny" but not skinny enough, never skinny enough. I want to just stop eating, stop eating completely. It's not that I
want to lose weight. No, it's that I
need to lose weight. I can't live with myself being so fat. I am disgusting. I am huge. I
must be will be skinny.
~~~~~
Enough of my eating disorder thoughts. Time for the rest of my day. :)
School went well. I got 50/50 on my paper and 49/50 on my presentation (99/100 altogether) in Criminology!! =D I was so proud of myself. Way to go Amber!!
It was a beautiful day outside. It was in the 70s. :) I went for a run/walk with my grandma.
Ummm, I don't really know what else happened today. Nothing too exciting. I think this has been long enough anyways.
Positives:
-I got a
good great grade on my presentation! =D
-It was a nice day outside.
-I started reading my chapter in Criminology.
-I exercised.
-I talked to my mom..a lot. :)
-My mom sang to me on my voicemail this morning. =P
-My Christmas present from my friend arrived in the mail today! (I don't get it til tomorrow though 0.o)
Have a good night.
4 words from my listeners:
I'm certain you aren't fat. I know it can be hard to believe, but can try to comfort yourself with facts. Your BMI is low. You are not overweight. And I love you. :)
Awesome job on the Criminology stuff!
you're not fat, really, you're not. you're beautiful. i understand the whole exercise stuff man, it sucks.
i really love those positives!
Criminology sounds really interesting. :)
You aren't fat though. Your cw is tiny. Damn the ED for not letting us see what others can see.
Well done on your Criminology, you're a gennnniusss!
But, I wish you didn't see yourself as fat - you're really not. I wish I could tell you this, and that you would believe me...but I can keep trying to get you to believe me, by telling you every time you post, because it is true.
And about the toning thing... I think that's because the rapid weight loss from your ED causes excess skin.. I have it (went from 72kg -> 50kg in 4/5 months) too. So, it certainly doesn't mean you are fat.
Exercise should be good for you, releasing endorphins and stuff like that :) Try not to see it as a way of counterbalancing your food intake though, you might get out of control :(
Lots of love xx
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