Resolutions

I want to make this last post of 2010 a positive one. I'm going to make a list of my goals. So here they are.

-No candy.
-No soda.
-No red meat.
-Stop biting my nails.
-Stop popping my knuckles.
-Stay cut free.
-Stay purge free.
-Be positive.
-Be happy.

Okay, well I think that's all. Good night everybody. Happy New Year!!

pictures

They fucking destroy me. I can't stand to look at them anymore. I'm in the kitchen with my family looking at old pictures. I see myself and I want to die. Then there are times when I don't see myself because I wasn't there. Why wasn't I there? I was in a fucking loony bin, developing my god damn eating disorder. Even in my before pictures I was still fat, so fucking fat. UGH! I fucking hate myself. I'm so disgusting. I'm huge. My face is chubby. My thighs are thick. My stomach so bloated. So fucking DISGUSTING!! fml.

*Sorry for the negativity. Maybe I'll get it all out before the new year. No need for comments. I just needed to vent. Sorry again.

Numero Tres

This is my next lovely shirt that I got for Christmas. I'm rather fond of it. I used to have a lot of shirts similar to this, only they were solid colors. I really like how long the sleeves are. I like pulling them up over my hands to the base of my fingers. It's comforting. Okay, so here is the picture. The shirt is new, the jeans are old.



I really should stop posting pictures of myself. I seem like a picture whore, not to mention the fact that I look like a fucking whale. I know you guys are just lying to me trying to make me feel better about myself. There's no need to lie. I know the truth. I see it every day when I look in the mirror. I see it when I look at pictures of myself. I am a fat, ugly mess. I am seriously disgusting. I have a new idea. Instead of posting pictures of me in the clothes, I'll take pictures of them laying on the bed. That way no one has to see my hideousness. Okay, enough of my rant. I'll probably post later on, closer to midnight. Until then...happy new year's eve!

Day Two

Vampire- I laughed when I read you're jealous of my leg gap because I definitely don't have one, but thanks.

How was today? It was pretty good.
Reason One:
I talked to my best friend for the first time in two months. She's the one in the long term facility. I was so excited to talk to her. I told her about my scare last night with her mom calling my mom. I for real thought she died! But she obviously is still alive and she said she is doing well. I was very glad to hear that! =D I love my buddy!
Reason Two:
I got my ceramic mug that I painted last week!! It looks so cool!

It's obviously a "Grumpy" mug. He's just not painted the right color. It's all in artistic perception.
Reason Three:
I finally can wear full rune on my noob account, well my higher noob account. I defeated Elvarg the mighty dragon! lol *eye roll*
Reason Four:
Outfit numero dos..

That's me, just as FAT and hideous as ever.* However, the baggy shirt hides my sumo stomach.

*Vampire, I still can't believe you thought I have a leg gap. It's pure fat down there! >.<

Okay, well I guess that's all for now. Until next time!

outfit numero uno

Today was day one and today I looked...cute. I guess that's what I was. My therapist said "You look adorable." <--I think that's a good thing. I'm not really sure if "adorable" is something you want to be at 18, but hey, I'll take it. =P I didn't really feel fat today. I think it's because I actually felt good about myself. <-- That's like WHOA! Did I really just say that? Yes, Amber, you really did say that. I didn't look all frumpy and grumpy. I made an effort to look nice and I'd like to say that I pulled that off. What do you think?

A bit closer...

So yes, that is me, looking cute. Well actually I think looking FAT is more like it but whatever.

P.S. I got a new phone!! It has a keyboard and everything. =D Hopefully I won't drop this one down the toilet!! =P

it's been awhile

and I'm not sure how I've been. Christmas day was fairly nice. I got a new camera!! I got some new clothes. I'll take pictures and show you guys. I got a puzzle, a docking station for my i-pod, the latest Carrie Underwood CD, a bracelet, a ring, a coffee mug (weird gift but I really enjoy it! Nightmare Before Christmas baby!!), a picture frame that was supposed to be for graduation (which happened in June), a journal thing, and some Wii games to share with the family. It was a pretty good Christmas. We ate pancakes for brunch. They were yummy. We played our new Wii games. They were fun. Dinner was good I suppose. I stuffed my face. Then I had to stuff it even more. I forced myself to eat 1/8 of a pumpkin pie with whipped cream!! I was so full I thought I was going to throw up as I was eating it. I got it all down though. On Sunday, we went to my aunt's house for a snack/meal thing. I felt super fat when I was there, especially because I had binged on Puppy Chow right before we left. (fat ass!) I switched back over to stay with my grandma and grandpa. Let me just say, I was a mess. I felt so depressed on Sunday. I cried the whole way home. Then I cried so more when I laid down to go to sleep. It was horrible. Monday was better though. I weighed in at 113.8!! I know that is still really fat but it's waay better than I thought it would be! =D I went shopping with my grandma and grandpa. I got a new pair of jeggings from Kohl's. I didn't even know there was such a thing as jeggings until I got home and looked at the tag. lol. I'm so dumb! It must be 'cause I'm blonde. jk jk! They look super cute with my new shirts though. :) Downside is they make my thighs look uber fat. ='( I bought some black boots today to go with my new jeggings and shirts. It looks super cute! That is not something I would say about my clothes or even myself. But for once, I felt good. I still felt fat, but I thought I looked cute in a way too. I ate too much today. I'm sure I'll have gained. :( It's okay though. I can will lose this weight! I guess that's all the excitement. Night loves!

Oh and p.s. I dropped my phone in the toilet so now I get a new one!!

Merry Christmas (for real)!!

Merry Christmas everyone! Sorry for yesterday's post. I'm feeling better today. =) Today has been good so far and I hope it stays that way. Hope everyone got what they wanted!

Merry fuckin' Christmas (Eve)!

Today had been such a good day. So tell me, what the FUCK happened? My little sister I ruined it. How did I do that? By fighting with my little sister. It all started out okay. My brother-in-law was playing his video game, I was doing my puzzle, and my lil sis was playing on the Wii. She comes upstairs to play on my mom's computer. Still all is okay. My brother is getting pissed because he keeps getting killed. I try to talk to him because I'm interested in his game. We talk as he continues playing. My little sister keeps butting in. She keeps making smart ass comments. Then she sees that I'm wearing her slippers. She comes over and pins me down on the couch. I can't get up because there is a glass table in front of me. She's fighting with me trying to get the slippers. I keep telling her if she gets up I'll take them off. By this time, my older sister was on the phone with my brother. She could hear my lil sis and me fighting. Finally, she gets up and goes back to the computer. The older sis wants to talk to the lil sis but lil sis hangs up the phone. Then we are in a verbal fight. My brother leaves in the middle of this. When my older sister getes home, my lil sis and I got in trouble. Lil sis started screaming and hitting our older sister. Then my parents get home. The problem escalates even more. Words get said. "I hate her. I don't want her living here. I wish you would have put me up for an adoption like you did Ali, at least then I'd be happy!" The words keep pouring out of my little sister's mouth. All I can think is "It won't be too much longer. I'll be dead before you know it." FUCK! I want to D.I.E.!!! I started claing at my arm because I wanted to cut. It's a really good thing my therapist had me throw away those blades or it would have gotten ugly. Now I just have to focus on not taking the Xanax. I don't think I have a high enough dose for me to get high but wouldn't it be nice? I want out of this. I don't want to be here anymore. Kill me please, before I kill myself. I'm sorry. Merry Christmas.

let the _ times roll

Sorry for no post yesterday. It was a busy day. I had a therapy appointment at 11 and we usually leave by 10:15. I didn't even get up until 10:06. 0.o I quickly got ready but my dad wasn't even ready yet so we still left late. lol. My session was good I suppose. I told her that I did something bad. On Monday I broke apart a shaving razor. I didn't want to tell her that I had it but she weaseled it out of me. She told me that if I didn't throw them away, she would tell my dad. I did not want that to happen. I don't want my family to know how bad it is right now, well, at least how bad it was right then. So I promised to throw them away if she promised to not tell my dad. I held up to my promise and she held up to hers. During the session we talked about my friend going into the hospital. She, of course, told me it wasn't my fault. She even said I might have done her a favor. It's like no. Getting sent to the hospital is NOT a favor. I would know. :( We also talked about my ED a little bit. It's actually been a lot better. It's like it's not even there. The body dysmorphia is still strong and steady though. I told her how I hate wearing jeans because I feel like then people can see how fat my thighs are. I told her I hate eating in public becauseI feel like people will judge me for being so fat. I just constantly feel like people will judge me. She asked me a question that really made me think. "What happens if people judge you?" It took me by surprise. It's a good question. What does happen if people judge me? So something more to think about.
After my session, I went with my mom and two sisters to a ceramic pottery place. My little sister and I got to paint a piece. I chose a Grumpy mug (from Snow White). I painted his clothes the wrong color. My excuse is he is Christmas colors. lol ;) My lil sis did a peace sign flower vase. It was a lot of fun. I can't want to see what it looks like once it is colored! I can even drink out of it once it is done!! =D
We made a pit stop at Borders because that store location was closing. I got a new book. I'll tell you how it is once I finish reading it. :)
When we got home, we ate dinner. I had a sandwhich because I didn't want a steak taco. Then as we were all relaxing, my dad was watching old home videos. So my mom, little sister, and I watched some of them too. I watched my little sister as she was born. I watched some other cute videos. One was of me in gymnastics. I was trying to do something on the uneven bars and I caught my foot and did like a weird flip thing. It was hilarious! We all were laughing so hard. Then we watched one of Christmas when my little sister was like 2 or 3. She was scared of her slide that she got as a present. She also got a set of pajamas. When she opened the box and took them out she was like "I don't like them." We all cracked up again. I saw a video of when I was 3 and I was dancing with the KU Jayhawk. I was so cute! I wonder what happened. 0.o It was a lot of fun. =)
~*~*~
Today has been okay I suppose. I woke up around 11. I took a shower and shaved. I love shaving. It makes me feel clean. Downside to shaving, my electric razor cuts me. :'( I ate some breakfast. I ate a lot of breakfast actually. 2 bowls of cereal. :( Piggy. Oh well. It's like eating breakfast and lunch so it's not the end of the world. =/ Now I'm just checking up on here and hanging out on the computer. Oh yeah! My old friend from one of the placements I was in added me on Facebook! I was super psyched to talk to her. It was so weird though because just the other day I was thinking of looking for her. It was sweet. So I guess that's all for now. Later!

fun stuff

Well last night I stayed up til 2:30 in the morning trying to see the lunar eclipse. Did I get to see it? NO! The stupid clouds got in the way! My little sister and I saw the beginning of it. It ws sweet but we couldn't see the whole thing. Curse you stupid clouds!! I was very tired after that. I completely crashed. I woke up when my dad came downstairs where I was sleeping to exercise but I fell back asleep almost immediately. I woke up around 10:41 this morning. I took a much needed shower. It felt nice to get clean and relax. It was a very long shower. Okay, tmi/awkward moment over. I played on Runescape for awhile. I've been playing more on my noob account. My little sister keeps wanting me to give her my account. It's like no! I worked on my older sister's Cinderella's Castle puzzle. I've done half of it in less than 24 hours. That's pretty kick butt. I went to my grandma's house (the one I live with) to pick up my Christmas outfits, my electric razor, and some stuff for the Wii. My great grandma is very sick and is on oxygen. =( Poor grandma. I hope she'll be okay. What a sucky way to spend Christmas. I went Christmas shopping with my sisters. I bought my little sister a DS game and I bought my older sister a gift card to her favorite store in the mall. We bought my brother-in-law a set of super hero glasses. I think he'll really like it. Well, I guess that's all the excitement. Night lovelies!

Sing-Off

Tonight was the season finale of Sing-Off. I am totally bummed about the results. I was actually kinda glad at first. Jerry Lawson and the Talk of the Town got kicked off first. A boo-yah!! I hated him! >.< Then went my fave, The Backbeats. Love love love them. Check out my favorite video of them.
The Backbeats-Love Shack
Then it was down to Committed and Street Corner Symphony. I personally think that Street Corner Symphony is the better of the two. Did America agree? NO!! I was like WHAT?! UGH! Total fail. *face palm* Yes, Committed is good but Street Corner Symphony was better. What their version of Creep and Come On Eileen.
Creep
Come on Eileen
Good show. There were some really good accapella groups on there. Can't wait for the next season in a year. lol.

not any better

It's a little after 6 pm and I am feeling progressively worse today. The day didn't start out bad. It didn't start out good either. It was just ok. I just played on the computer and ate brunch. Nothing exciting. Nothing to get worked up over. Then the darkness started creeping in. I had to go to my grandma's house to pick up the rest of my stuff since I'm staying with my sister now. On the way home, my dad and I were talking. I kept getting all upset. Then I got home and got even more upset. I just want to fucking cut or die or purge. I want to do something bad. I want to hurt outside. I don't want this pain on the inside. GET IT OUT!! I feel like I'm dying inside. I feel trapped, suffocated. I'm screaming at the top of my lungs but no sound comes out. I'm trying to be good, honest I am, but it is just so damn HARD. I'm tired of the fighting. I want to escape. I can't wait to take those fucking pills. But not yet, not yet.

='(

Today was a very rough day. I broke down crying so many times that I lost track. Pathetic, huh? I'm just extremely hormonal thanks to my period. (fat failure!) Then I found out that my best friend is back in a long-term hospital. She's been there for about 3 weeks. Before then she was in a short term hospital. She went in on October 28. It's my fault. I know it's my fault. Sure you'll all say it's not, but I know, I know it is. Here's why. Just a few weeks before her latest hospitalization, she was in the hospital for a suicide attempt. When she got out, I freaked out. I was fighting with her every time we talked. I was just so angry for so many reasons. On the 26th of October, we got into another fight. Then I just stopped talking to her. I feel horrible. I've been thinking of her a lot lately and then today my mom breaks the news. I feel like shit. I just don't want to do this anymore. Fucking depressed as hell. Suicidal thoughts increasing.
Enough of that. Today I saw Yogi Bear with my family. I thought it looked stupid at first but the movie was actually rather good. There was no Cindy bear though. Also the ranger's name wasn't Ralph. 0.o
Other than that, I just don't know. Today was crap. Maybe tomorrow will be better. One day closer to Christmas!

up..then down

Today was good I guess. Then it wasn't. I went to my (step) cousins basketball game. We won by one point! I tried an eggnog milkshake from McDonalds. Super delicious!! I met up with my mom and dad. I'm staying at my sister's house tonight. We watched a couple of movies: The Sorceror's Apprentice and The Tooth Fairy. Personally, I didn't like either. I ate too much. Kinda feel depressed. Just wanting to sleep forever. It's late. Good night.

=) to =/

Well, today was a pretty good day. I didn't wake up until 11 am. Yay for sleep! I got on the computer and checked my e-mail. It was then that I saw an old friend of mine had requested me on facebook. I was like yay! So I quickly got on facebook and added her. I checked some of my other notifications. Then my little chat window popped up! It was Hanna! So we were talking and facebook stalking. I asked about her new baby. She has the cutest baby girl who also has a H name. She's only 3 weeks. Super cute! We talked for probably an hour, reminiscing old times. Hanna was a friend of mine from one of the placements I was in. I saw that she had added one of the staff members who used to work there. I decided to send Ms. J a message. I was happy in my message and was telling her all the things I had accomplished since the last update. Ms. J responded back a few hours later and told me how proud she was of me. She told me that she didn't work at the hospital anymore and had even moved to another state! It was funny though because at the end of her message she was like "You're 18 now, you don't have to call me "Ms."!! :)" It cracked me up. It would be so weird though to not call her Ms. J. I added another friend from the hospital. I haven't talked to her in ages. Hopefully we'll get a chance to catch up soon. =)
Then I helped my grandma bake cherry cream cookies. Those are yummy. I was playing the piano (horribly I might add) while we were waiting for them to cook. I like playing the piano even if it is out of tune. lol. Just makes me sound even better. ;)
My grandma wanted to get together with my great aunt and uncle, my aunt and cousin, and my mom, dad, and sisters for dinner. I suggested IHOP (International House of Pancakes). Only my aunt and uncle, my grandparents, my mom and younger sister, and I went. It was super yummy. I love pancakes. I like trying all the different syrups! I'm a dork! O.o
This is when my =) day turned into a =/ day. On the way home from IHOP, my stomach became increasingly full. I felt so full I could throw up. All I wanted to do was purge. Thankfully I was in the car and couldn't do that. I just listened to Christmas music and tried to tune myself out. It worked. When I changed into my pj's and weighed myself, I was disgusted. I gained 2.6 pounds today. That means I'm going to have gained at least a pound tomorrow. FML. I was doing so good. Obviously I want to be fat forever. I'm going to do better tomorrow. I have to do better tomorrow.
Well it's getting late and I'm tired. So good night!

For Naz

First semester = check!

So I did it. I completed my first semester of college. Woot woot! Go me! lol jk. But really it is quite the accomplishment. I never thought I'd get this far. It's been one hell of a ride. It's so strange. I never thought I'd graduate from high school. I did. I never thought I'd make it to 18. Now, here I am finished with my first semester of college. It's just crazy. I am proud of myself. I know this is huge considering where I've come from. It feels good.
But here comes the bad. I'll be out for a month, a full month. That's a lot of down-time. I'm not really sure how I'm going to handle it. I don't do well without structure. So I have my freedom. The only question is, what do I do with it? My mom and therapist want me to keep busy. They want me to set up activities that are at the same time as my second semester classes. That's cool and all, but I want to sleep in. Part of why I sleep in is so I don't have to eat breakfast. I want to just chill and relax. I don't want to wake up at 8 every morning. I want to sleep in til 10 in the morning and just do nothing til lunch. i still do things throughout the day. I talk with my grandma. I play homework. I watch the news. <--Not a big fan of that. I journal. I exercise (sometimes). I go out anytime my grandma leaves the house. It's not like I sit around like a bump on a log. Still, I see their point. I don't know. So I guess now I need structured activities. Any suggestions?

Funny story

My mom and I were driving back from my therapy session. We had pulled onto the highway and we were hearing this really loud sound. Mom was like "sounds like the muffler's going out." and was laughing. Then the car starts jerking and losing control. So mom had to pull over to the side of the road. (We got over okay.) My mom was laughing hysterically at this point. We smelled/smelt (<--don't know which is right but too lazy to look up) something burning. I got out of the car and looked at the tires. Our back right tire had disintigrated. I told my mom she had to come look at it. So she got out to look at it. She called my dad to see if he could meet us and she called AAA (our car insurance) to come help us out. All they did was put on a spare. They didn't even send a real tow truck. They just sent a regular pick-up truck. It was like what would have happened if we needed one? 0.o So we drove the rest of the way to the car shop so mom could buy a new tire. She now has 3 different tires on her car. <--That's just sad. But yeah. So that was my exciting adventure of the day. Then we had to take my grandma's Jeep into the shop too. Car trouble just runs in the family I suppose. lol.

A crappy picture:


The whole inside of the tire was blown. We were lucky it wasn't worse.

Today was

better. Definitely better. Why? Well I really don't know. I take that back. I do know. So let me tell you why.

1.I took my Intro to Theatre final. I know I missed a few questions but I think I did okay. I'm going to miss Sheilah though. <-- That's my teacher's name. 0.o

2.My grandpa helped me with my algebra review. It makes sense now. The funny thing is I was doing it right the whole time! I just have a tendency to doubt myself. lol

3.I helped my grandma make peanut butter fudge. It didn't really set so it's kinda gooey but it still tastes good. ;)

4.My mom is finally home for good!! I was so excited to see her I practically knocked her down when I ran to gave her a hug! lol

5.I ate semi-normal and I didn't feel overly guilty. Yes, there was still some guilt but it wasn't too overwhelming. :)

I want to make today's post positive, so I'll leave out all the bad.

P.S.Sorry for the bitch mode yesterday. I'm feeling better, even if it is only temporary.

The bitch is back.

I know that everyone that leaves me comments means well, but honestly, they just piss me off. I am very well aware of the consequences of overdosing. I know that I could end up with brain damage or organ failure. Now it's my turn to ask if you are aware of the consequences of an eating disorder? Sure there may not be brain damage but you can still be a vegetable rotting away in a bed. You won't be able to do anything because you are so weak. I read all these stories of organ failures and EDs. So it's just like please don't try to pull the whole "it can lead to worse things" shit.
I'm not stupid. I know that is not what people are calling me but it's the whole depressed side of me thinking that everyone is against me. I know I sound like a bitch but that is what I am..a bitch, a monster. I feel like people are trying to change me. I don't want to be changed. I don't want to try new things. I don't want to live. I mean seriously? Do you call what I'm doing living? So recover you say. Do something to make your life better. Well then what the hell have I been trying to do for the past 6 years of my life?! I am in therapy. I see my therapist once a week, every week of the year. I take my medication as prescribed. I don't sit around the house moping. I still go to college. I still make good grades. Good grades will take me places. So don't tell me I'm not doing anything to improve my life. I go out even though I feel fat and ugly and depressed. I don't let my disorders affect my outside life. It just affects the inside. I don't know why I'm even telling you guys this. I don't have to prove anything to anybody. Maybe I'm just trying to prove it to myself. I don't know. I just wish I hadn't opened my big mouth. Just ignore me. Ignore this. Whatever.

The naughty list..

If Santa checked his list, I'm pretty sure I'd be on the naughty one. I was sneaky and bad. I did something I shouldn't have done. I bought something. I'm going to steal something. I'm bad bad BAD!! I know I shouldn't have bought the pills. I know I shouldn't steal some more pills. Will that stop me? No. I honestly don't care. Do I plan on using them right away? No. I want more. I want enough to KILL. My grandma always brings it up when I'm with her. She always talks about the last time I OD'ed and how they almost lost me. Well damn it, why didn't you lose me?! I don't want to be alive. I know I shouldn't think like this but I can't help the way I feel. I don't want you guys to try to talk me out of this. I know some of you might but I just don't think it'll help. No use fighting a lost cause. I'll still be around for awhile and maybe in that time I'll see the light. Ha, doubt that but I might just see it. You never know.
~*~*~*~
Some good news..my mom is finally on her way down for good!

BITCH!

That's right, I said it and I'll say it again. BITCH! You are a bitch! How dare you do something like that to hurt other people? Don't you care about them? Obviously not, you selfish bitch! Why don't you go kill yourself like you make other people feel like doing? Don't you know you're good for nothing? You are FAT! You are a FAILURE! You deserve to fucking DIE!!! Just think about someone else for a change. Stop being so self-conceited. Everyone hates you. I HATE you! Don't you know that people will see past your mask? Don't you know that you'll always be everything you hate? I see past the mask. I see past your shitty attitude. I see you for who you really are. Yeah, that's right. I see straight into your soul. Let me just tell you that it is a dark place down there. Go rot in hell BITCH!

So who's this bitch I'm talking about?

me.

And she closed her eyes

:(

Well I have some bad news (don't worry, it's not too horrible!). My mom's job offer was taken back. They found out she and my dad were filing for bankruptcy. :( What poopfaces! I mean I just don't understand why someone would do that. Wouldn't it make more sense to give jobs to people who are going bankrupt so that they can get out of the hole? I mean seriously, WTF?! I just don't understand the world today. I was so looking forward to my mom moving back home. Now I don't know if she is. :( Sometimes I really hate life and how it punishes the ones who are nothing but good. Life is a poopface!
~~~~~
As for me, I finished my paper after procrastinating like crazy. 0.o I had my grandma read it and she said it's pretty good. YAY! I just want to get a good grade on it. I have my psych final tomorrow. 0.o Hopefully I do okay. I'm sure I will but I still get the test anxiety sometimes.
Weight wise I actually lost .4 pounds. Isn't that crazy? I ate over 2000 calories and I lost weight. Now that doesn't mean I'm going to go doing that again. I probably ate 1500 today. Grrr. >.< Fat piggy.
I saw my therapist today. That went well. It was kinda funny though. My psychiatrist called her on Monday to talk to her about how I was doing. Apparently he told her I was hostile with him. When she told me that I laughed. I still feel I had every reason to yell at him. hehe :]
Well I don't know what else to say. I'll talk to you guys tomorrow.

0.o

Thanks for the comments guys. It means a lot to see that people care. I mean I know that people care in "real" life too but it's nice when someone I don't even know wants me to live and be happy. Just makes me feel good.
***
So, I'm totally supposed to be writing my research paper on a mental disorder right now for my psych final. Guess what disorder I'm doing...ED-NOS!! Yay ED-NOS!! jk. But really that is what I'm doing it on. I found some really interesting information on it. If you guys would like to read my paper (doubt it but just putting it out there) let me know and I'll send you a copy. :)
***
Ok. My day was not the greatest but it wasn't the worst either. I'm in a better mood than I was in the other day. Downside to today, I ate and ate and ATE!! No seriously, I did. I literally ate 3 full size candy bars in 5 minutes. I wasted $3 on vending machines. I just kept shoving the candy down my throat like a fucking fat pig. It was at school too! I was binging at school!! Very uncool. The rest of the day (eating wise) just went downhill after that. I ate a salad and bean dip with chips. I had a slice and a half of lemon cake. I had Kit-Kats and gummy bears. Yeah. So today was a total BINGE day. No food tomorrow sounds like a great plan. Yeah right. My grandma would never let me get away with that. You know what, I don't care. I don't have to eat. If eating is going to make me upset, then I'm not going to do it. Obviously I lack self-control when it comes to eating so the best thing to do is just not eat! There, problem solved.
***
Yesterday was good. Well the morning wasn't so good because I had to see my psychiatrist and he really pissed me off. I screamed at him but I feel I had the right to. He told me I wasn't doing anything to help myself with my depression. I seriously looked at him like he was speaking kjehrfahdfk. I started screaming about how I do everything I can to not feel this way. I try to make my life better by getting up and going to school. I go places with my family. I socialize sometimes. I just felt that he had absolutely no right to say what he did. I don't know. Maybe he did but I really just wanted to tell him to fuck off. What an ass.
On to later that day...
I went to the library to meet up with some girls from my psych class to review for the final that is on Thursday (12/9). We did a lot of work but we took breaks too. We definitely had some R-rated humor. It was funny though. We even used a dry-erase board. How legit is that?! I don't know, but it was very cool. Then on our lunch run, I got a text from my mom. She got a job down here where I live!!! Yay for mommy moving home!! WOOT WOOT!! lmao =D But I'm seriously happy about it. :)
***
That's about all I suppose. I'll try to post tomorrow but I might not since I have to finish my paper and study for my final. So who knows? Maybe you'll see me, maybe you won't. Night!

That way...again

I'm that way again. Depressed. Suicidal. Battling urges to cut. I know I should be strong. I know I should fight. I just don't want to. The past couple of days I have obsessed going to the store and buying some pills, pills I know I should not take, let alone get. I don't care though. As time passes, suicide seems more and more appealing. I try to ignore these thoughts. I try to push them away. I try to tell myself that suicide isn't the answer, but I know I'm lying. It's hard to lie to yourself. You can see straight through the lies. I know that I shouldn't lie to myself but I know that it is the only thing that is going to keep me going. If I didn't lie to myself and tell myself it's all going to be okay, I think I would have attempted long before now. I keep giving myself reasons to push on. I have finals in 2 weeks. I can't very well give that up. I worked so hard to get into college. I'm not going to throw away my first semester. So I will finish it. What happens after that? I really don't know. Suicide just seems so tempting. Everything besides living seems so tempting. I'm ready to die. I'm not afraid. So someone please kill me now.

Finally a good day!

Compared to yesterday, today was a great day. I ate one thing all day long. I didn't drink any calories. I stuck with water. Good calorie-free drinking. So here is what I ate:

Chicken pot pie from KFC- 690 calories
1 stick of Extra gum- 5 calories
24 oz of water- 0 calories
Total: 695 calories

That to me is a really good day. It's below my daily goal of 750. Although I must admit that I am somewhat disappointed with today. I mean 690 calories in one meal? That's ridiculous. I told my grandma the calorie amount in our meal and she said that 690 was good. I was like 'are you serious?!' I was for real freaking out. I wish I would have just had something simple and small like a tv dinner but I should still be proud of how little I ate today. I didn't binge!!! I'm super proud of myself for that. =D Go me! lol jk. Hopefully I will at least have lost half a pound today. If not, whatever as long as I don't gain. I would die if I found I gained even more. It seems like all I've been doing lately is gain. I want to change that. December is a new month. I will lose this weight. I want to lose at least 10 pounds this month. I want to be as close to 100 pounds by New Year's. I am determined. I know I said I'm trying recovery but you know what, f' recovery. I want to be skinny. I want to be BEAUTIFUL. I will be those things. There is no stopping me. Well actually there is but I am going to fight to make this happen. I don't care what my therapist and family say. This is my life. This is my body. I'm doing this my way. I guess that's all for now. Night lovelies!

A new day, a new month, and 3 cookies?

3 cookies. Yes, that's right, I ate 3 cookies. This makes no sense to me. I had a good day. No breakfast. A grilled honey mustard snack wrap from McDonalds for lunch. I had a cookie for dessert. <-- But that cookie does not count towards my three cookies. Oh no, those are for later. I ate a granola bar for a snack. I ate dinner. I had some mashed potatoes, beets, stuffing, and a roll. I had an apple pie thing for dessert..with Cool Whip. Not only did I eat the Cool Whip on my dessert, I finished the tub. Talk about fat cow. But wait! It gets better! I ate some Skittles. I was like 'oh, they won't hurt me. It's just the fun size bag.' Yeah well it was candy. Then I ate a Pixie Stick. That's nothing but pure sugar. So I was like 'ok, I'm done with this.' Yeah well not really. I went downstairs and ate an oatmeal raisin cookie. I was like mmm that was yummy. Then I was like this time I want a peanut butter cookie. So I had one of those too. Then I wanted another oatmeal raisin cookie. I ate one of those. Wow. Just wow. Look at all I just ate. That is purely DISGUSTING! I cannot even believe myself. I see this month is going to be just as bad as the month before this one and the month before that. Grrr. FML.
***
I had my assessment with the lady from the eating disorder clinic today. That was scary and embarrassing as hell. She was asking me about what a binge day looked like for me. It was so hard to tell her what/how much I eat on a binge. Pig much? She asked me how much I weighed. I really did not want to tell her that. 115.6. I mean seriously? Can I get any fatter? Obviously I'm trying to prove to myself that I can. Anways, then she asked if I go onto any pro-ana or pro-mia or pro-ED sites. I was like umm yeah. She was the first person I told that I go onto PT. I didn't tell her the site but I was still like freaking out. I was so embarrassed especially when she asked how long I am on it each day. I told her around 2 hours which is the truth. I seriously need a life. She asked a lot of other questions too but these where the most embarrassing. The lady (her name is Lauren) told me that I would be a good match for the intensive outpatient. I was like okay. I don't know how to feel. I want to feel better but at the same time, I want to get worse. It was so hard to admit my weight and how much/what I eat. I keep telling myself 'you don't sound like someone with an eating disorder.' I told my therapist when I saw her today and she asked me if I wanted to have an eating disorder. I kinda laughed and said "I already have one." 0.o Silly Kindra.
***
It's been a long day. I have school in the morning and I don't want to go. I can't wait for it to be over. Three more days of classes and finals and I am done for the semester! I canNOT wait. I can't even believe I made it through my first semester of college. What an accomplishment.No seriously. That is a major accomplishment for me. First of all I never thought I would graduate high school. I did. Second, I never thought I'd turn 18. I did. Now third, I'm completing my first semester of college? It's like wow. I've come far and I still have a long way to go. That doesn't make me feel any better. A long way to go? I don't want to go anywhere. I don't want to be here either. I still face those suicidal thoughts every day. It's a struggle. I see no future for myself. My grandma gets frustrated because I'm so negative about my future. It's like just stop. I get so pissed off when people tell me "You're so smart and talented and pretty. You have a bright future ahead of you." It's like oh my god just shut up! I don't want to hear the lies. I know there is nothing ahead for me. I'm not stupid. Like you said, I'm smart. It's time for you to wise up and see the truth. My talent is suicide and I look pretty when I sleep. Too bad I'll be sleeping forever.

Well this has been really long. Thanks if you read all this. :)

Recovery?..maybe?

I'm not really sure where to start. I'm not really sure where I stopped. I've been a crazy internal mess lately. I've been trying to recover, whatever the hell that means. I don't really know what I'm recovering from. I mean I can't be sick. I'm still a healthy weight. My therapist even said so herself. "I'm concerned about her eating but her weight is not low enough for me to have her hospitalized." That killed me inside. I felt like breaking down right there. I felt like she was telling me I don't have an eating disorder. I felt like she was telling me I'm not serious. I have a serious problem with wanting to prove to people that I'm serious about being disordered. How can I think I'm sick if my own therapist doesn't even think I am? I know that's not what she meant but my mind is so twisted. I want to prove to her that I really have an eating disorder. I want to prove to her that I'm serious about how fat I think know I am. Why does my mind play games like this? I know this isn't what she meant. I'm just so sick in the head that I don't care. I want to prove her wrong. I want to prove to her that I am sick enough to be hospitalized. It's like f*ck you! I'll show you. Curse this mindset of mine.
So Thanksgiving has brought good and bad. I've been loving spending time with my mom. I've missed her so much. I got to see my aunt and uncle from Florida. I got to see my great aunt and great grandpa/grandma. I love seeing my family. Downside to seeing my family is there is always food, especially on Thanksgiving. I feel like I ate so much. I did eat so much. I had a little bit of everything and then I had dessert which was usually pie. God, I'm such a fat ass. It got to be so much on Saturday that I broke down right there in my grandma's house. I barely got out of the kitchen before I started crying. My mom came in to talk to me followed by my uncle. I was crying and telling my mom about how I've been trying to recover and it's just been so hard because the past few days have all been about food. My mom was hugging me and telling me it's not about the food, it's about being with the ones you love. She told me she would do whatever it takes to get me into the intensive outpatient program. My uncle was just hugging me and telling me I was beautiful and how he was going to protect me and keep me safe. I felt so loved but I still felt horrible. Anytime anyone complimented me, I felt horrible. It was just a rough night.
So I don't know where this puts me for recovery. I'm still trying to eat my three meals a day. I'm managing to do that but I still feel so guilty. I know I've gained a ton of weight. I can see it on my body. I just feel so gross. I still want to die. I don't know what to do. Do I want to recover? Do I want to get worse? Do I want to stay the same? No to that last question. I just don't know.

I don't know why I do this to myself. Why do I force myself to eat? No, I think the right question is why do I force myself to binge? I just wanted to. I wasn't hungry. I wasn't depressed. I wasn't bored (well kinda but not to the extreme). It was worthless, meaningless, and stupid, but to be honest, I don't think I even care. I'm too f'ed up to give a shit anymore. I'm obsessing over my therapist's suggestion of intensive outpatient. As more time goes on I realize how good of an idea that is. Will it solve my problems? No. Will it cure the urges? No. Will it make life more bearable? Maybe. At least I hope so. I don't know. I just don't know. Then again, I never have.
So here's what I do know:

• My meds have stopped working.
• I'm depressed as hell.
• I feel extremely suicidal.
• I have a plan.
• I haven't purged in 2 years, 7 months, and 6 days.
• I'm very tempted to say f' my record and just do it.
• I want to stop eating.
• I sabotage myself to cause myself pain.
• I inflict physical damage upon myself.
• I want to give in.

FML.

I wish...

So I wish I could say this is easy.
I wish I could say that I'm strong.
I wish I could say that I'm happy.
I wish I could tell EDNOS "so long."

I wish I was able to quit this.
I wish I was able to stop.
I wish I was through with this shit.
I wish I didn't wish for weight loss.

I wish I could say that I'm done,
With this and the pain that it brings.
I wish I could say that I won
Instead of continue to scream.

I wish I could kiss this good-bye
And be happy for the rest of my life.
Instead I wish to die
And I want to die tonight.

(I am a) STATISTIC

SUICIDE-

• A person in the US dies from suicide every 16 minutes.
• 90 people in the US commit suicide every day.
• There is between 8-25 attempts for every completed suicide.
• There are three female suicide attempts for each male attempt.
• Males are 4x more likely to commit suicide than females.
• Suicide is the third leading cause of death of people aged 15-24.
• Suicide is the second leading cause of death in college students.
• Over half of all suicides are by a firearm.

DEPRESSION-

• By this year (2010), depression will be the #1 disability in the world.
• Approximately 9.5% of people in the US have a form of depression.
• Depression is twice as common in women than men.
• 30% of people with depression attempt suicide.
• Of that 30%, half of them succeed.

My STATISTICS-

• I am a female.
• I am 18.
• I suffer from depression.
• I am in college.
• I have attempted suicide more than three times.
• At least one man has died while I continue to accumulate suicide attempts.
• I plan on buying a firearm.

I wish I had

STRENGTH. COURAGE. HOPE. LOVE (for myself). FREEDOM. FAITH. (inner) PEACE.

Instead I am weak. scared. hopeless. disgusted. trapped. faithless. tormented.

I don't want to be these things. I want to be strong and courageous and hopeful and loving towards myself and free and faithful and at peace. Why does that seem to be so impossible? That is what I'm fighting for. I fight for it every day.
I hope to one day achieve these goals. These are what goals should be. I shouldn't set goals for weight. I shouldn't strive to be something unhealthy. It's a total contradiction. I fight to be mentally healthy yet I'm aiming for physically unhealthy. Can someone please explain the logic to me? That's right, there is none. Why am I fighting so hard for the things I should be fighting against? Someone help me make sense of this. I'm just so confused. I'm being presented the chance to change. I don't want to take it. They say it would make me happier. I want to be happy. I would give anything to be happy, but is being "fat" a price I'm willing to pay?I just don't know anymore.
I see strength in members of PT. Most recently I have found strength in a 12 year old. That's how old I was when my eating disorder started to develop. This AMAZING young girl had the courage to seek help on her own. How much stronger can you get? She wanted to stop this illness in its tracks. When she goes away to inpatient, I don't think she'll return. That saddens me but even more, it makes me happy. It makes me happy because she is proving she is more than this. She has true strength. Would you laugh at me if I said I look up to a 12 year old? Well don't because this girl is amazing. She deserves the best. I wish her the best of luck. (ILY deary. I wish I had just an ounce of your strength. Be strong, be brave, be everything you can be. YOU my dear one are amazing.)
Until then, searching for the strength within myself. Stay strong. xx

Losing

Losing hope, losing faith but not losing weight. I feel horrible. These past few days have been really rough. I've been getting really depressed and suicidal. Sometimes the feelings and thoughts of wanting to die take over and it takes everything in me to not do something stupid. I've been cutting. (I threw away my blades though so that should help.) I've been trying everything in my power to be okay. It's just not enough anymore. I'm not enough. I just want all this to be over. I fight and I fight but for what? Can someone please tell me what I'm fighting for? I sure as hell don't see a reason. I am mentally ill in more than one way and I can't stand it. I'm sick of fighting a losing battle. I'm sick of falling and falling even deeper into depression. I'm tired of relapsing into everything that I do. I just want it to stop. I don't even know what to say anymore. Sorry I'm so negative.

Shit.

That is how I feel. I feel like pure shit. I want to eat but I won't. I want to purge but I can't. I want to cut but I'm trying not to. I just feel like SHIT. It all started when I went to go exercise. Everything just went downhill from there. I was clawing at my legs and digging my fingernails into my skin. I just don't know what to do. I feel so fat and worthless. I feel weak and disgusting. I feel pathetic and ugly. I feel like a failure. I'm just a negative little person right now. Yeah, I take that back. I'm not little. I'm freaking HUGE. I feel like I'll never be skinny. I feel like I'll always be fat. Why can't I just wave a magic wand and make everything disappear? I want to disappear. I just wish I didn't have to deal with this. I'm miserable. Will I change? No. I'm undeserving. I need to be punished. I am stupid and worthless. I need to prove to people why I should be loved. I need to prove that I am skinny. I need to prove to myself that I can do this. I'm just so confused. Everything's a blur. Someone take this away. Take me away.

Help.

Scale

I did it. Today I bought a scale, my very own scale. It's a Weight Watchers one. I should get it in about 2 weeks. It feels like forever but it'll be okay. I can manage. I think I'm not going to weigh myself until my scale arrives. I know I'm gaining weight like crazy. I just want to see the truth on my new scale. Another great reason for buying my own scale is so I can quit sneaking my grandma's. I'm really scared she's going to catch me one day. I won't have to worry about it anymore though. Once my scale gets here, I'll be in good shape (not literally but I wish). So yeah. Just thought I'd share that with everybody. I'll let you guys know when I get it and what my stats are then. Can't wait!!

Total FAIL!!

So I totally broke my fast yesterday. I was pissed but I kinda had to. My lovely psychiatrist decided to put me on a new medication. It's for anxiety because apparently I "worry too much". When I tried to explain to him that the main cause of my worry was my ED and that a pill wouldn't stop the thoughts, he just ignored me. So now I take some damn BuSpar or whatever the heck it is. I'm supposed to take it with food 3 times a day. It's like seriously? FML!! So on Tuesday (Day 2 of my fast), I took it and I started having dizzy spells. I nearly passed out. That was one of the side effects so I was like ok, maybe it's just the meds. Well it happened throughout the day so I came home from school and took a nap. I thought I was better until I tried to kill a spider (<--that sounds weird but yeah.). My grandma was like ok, you're eating. So that was that. I ate. I lost all control. Then I kinda ended up binging. I binged today too. It was not good. I will not be able to lose 10-12 pounds in 14 days. Well maybe I could but only if I didn't eat that whole time. There's noo way I could get away with that. Especially not with my dizzy spells. The last thing I need is to pass out. So I don't know what I'm going to. All I do know is I have to do something different. I HAVE TO lose this weight. It's not a matter of want. It's a matter of need. Curse this life of mine!

P.S. So have you noticed I start a lot of my sentences with "so"? lol

Day 1

Today was Day 1 of my fast. I feel proud. I feel accomplished. I'm in control now. Food doesn't own me. For once I did something right. I never knew how good not eating would make me feel. I feel empowered. It's like nothing can stop me. It's incredible. I want to always feel this way.
There was a little downside to my fast today. My grandma made me drink this SuperFood juice. It's just a bunch of fruit and healthy stuff mixed into juice. I felt like I was cheating when I drank it. It was probably 200 calories. I feel kinda weak for drinking it but at least it made my grandma shut up. At least she didn't force anything more on me for dinner. Maybe she won't be so hard to escape.
I did just drink some milk. I have to take my pills with milk because I get sick when I take them with just plain water. <-- That's a psych out due to my most recent OD. So the milk (it's vanilla soy milk) was probably 100 cals. So overall 300. I guess that's not too bad. I could do better. I will do better.

Oh and this morning when I weighed in, I was 112. About 2 hours ago, I was 109! I'll see what I am in the morning.

Later. <3

Holy SH!T!

I am not doing well this weekend. I've been on a 5 day binge. Today wasn't horrible but I still ate more than I wanted to. To top off my 6 pound weight gain, I cut. I haven't cut in almost 3 months and today I just decided to say "fuck it" and cut. It really wasn't that simple. I got set off by a food comment made by my great grandma (on my dad's side) about my grandma (on my mom's side). I wasn't planning on cutting. It was when my dad's mom and dad came in to see what was wrong that things went downhill. My dad and grandma invalidated (therapy words 0.o) my feelings so I got really upset and just kinda lost it. I got out a blade from my secret stash and 1-2-3, it was done. So yes, total fail. My mom is quitting her job to move down here with the rest of us. It's just some crazy shit. I can't deal with this. But it doesn't matter. I'm going fast with my pal and I will regain control. I will be strong. I won't be weak. Watch out world..here comes the B!TCH!

Sooo...

I'm still here. *gasp* I know, right? I talked to my mom a lot last night. She is pretty much the only one keeping me here right now. I want to see her just one more time before I kill myself. I should say if I kill myself. I just feel like I'm going crazy. I'm just spiraling down in a haze. It's like I know what's happening but I can't do anything to stop it. I'm trying to keep a stable head but that's impossible with an eating disorder. <-- That's a joke. Eating disorder? Yeah right. I'm not sick enough to have an eating disorder. EDNOS? Yeah, well fuck that! If I'm not anorexic, then there is nothing wrong with me. Sorry for the slight rant.

So onto my intake for the past two days. All I can need to say is BINGE! I wouldn't be surprised to see my weight back up to 110, if not higher. I'm such a failure. I will never lose those pounds. I will never weigh 100 pounds. I will never weigh 85 pounds. I am weak. I am disgusting. I will never be enough. I see all the things I will never be and I think of the things that I am. I'm not happy this way either. I just can't seem to win.

BUT tomorrow is a new day. I'm not going to binge. I'm going to be strong. I will succeed. I will not give up. I am DETERMINED to be skinny. Just watch me. I'll do it. I'm going to prove myself wrong.

I think...

it's time. I'm tired of this. I don't want to live like this anymore. I don't want to live anymore. I am so scared of my thoughts right now. I feel extremely suicidal. I have a plan. I don't even know why I'm typing this. No one will even read it. I'm sure I sound like a total attention whore but I assure you that is not my intention. I just wanted to get this out in an attempt to save my life. I'm not sure what I'm going to do tonight. I'm thinking I might save my plan for another day since I have school tomorrow. I want it to work. I'm sick of being "saved". You want to save me? Yeah, well fuck you! Save me again and you'll be next. (<--That is directed at my family.) I'm just, I'm tired of this. I don't know what to do anymore. I just don't know. Help?

110s no more!!

OMG!! I could not believe my eyes when I stepped on that scale this morning. What did I see? 109!!! I literally screamed "YES!! I did it it!" Thankfully my grandparents weren't home to hear it. lol. I am like ecstatic right now. I just got done with part one of my workout. I'm going to do more today after dinner. I'm trying out Wii Fit Plus. Not really sure how I like it. I've only used it once though so we'll see. But I just can't believe it. I have been trying for a month to get out of the 110s. Now I finally have! It's like progress at last!! I am just so happy right now. I just can't believe it. The weird thing is was I ate like 5 pieces of candy last night. Then again, I had no breakfast and no dinner so I guess that makes up for it. But I could have done better. I need to do better if I want to keep losing the weight.

I really need to lose 10 9 pounds before Thanksgiving. That's three pounds a week. I can do that. I want to look skinny, well skinnier, when I see my mom. I want her to be proud of me for looking good. I want to show her I can do this. I can be strong. I will be strong. Yes, well I hope everyone else is doing good. Until next time!

poem

Lifeless
Black and white
Lying there just waiting to die.

Pale reflection
Shadowed eyes
Just wants to get some sleep tonight.

Frozen skin
Hands turned blue
Dying is the thing to do.

All regret
Fills her mind
If only she could relive her life.

Wasted
She wasted away
All because of what she weighed.

No food
Makes her look good
Her bones sticking out like she thinks they should.

Heart slowing
Breathing labored
All she wanted was to be the favorite.

Now she's empty
Dead and gone
Anorexic for too long.

I feel...

like a failure. I don't feel like I'm making any progress in losing weight. If anything, I'm gaining weight. Ugh. I hate myself and my lack of self-control. I'm always eating and shoving food down my throat. Then I wonder why I'm fat. This is just so stupid. I don't even feel like I have an eating disorder half of the time. Sure all I ever think about is food and my body and my weight. Sure I obsess over calories and over exercise but does that really mean I have an eating disorder? No. I don't think so. My therapist and my family would beg to differ. I honestly believe that I can't have an eating disorder until I'm underweight. I can't have an eating disorder until my BMI is below 17.5 or until I weigh less than 100 pounds. I feel as if I'll never get there. I'll never be skinny. I'll always be FAT!! I'm sick of always wanting to be something that I know I can never be. Why won't people just let me do what I want? Why can't they just let me be who I want to be? Why do they get to control me? I have NO control! It's all I want..to be in control. Wouldn't that be nice for a change? I feel like I'm freaking losing my mind. I'm spiraling downwards and I'm too scared to ask for help. But when it comes to my "eating disorder", I don't want to ask for help. To me, help equals fat. My mom and grandma keep telling me that I won't get fat. I can just maintain but I think they are lying. They want me to be fat. They don't want me to be skinny. They don't want me to be happy. They never have. My whole life I've felt like shit. It's all because of them! My dad abused me. He called me names. He called me FAT! I didn't just become crazy for no good reason. But does anyone believe me? NO! Why the hell not?! NO one listens to me when I try to tell them about what happened with my dad. They just laugh it off and push it aside. I guess maybe I am crazy after all. I don't even know right now. All I know is I feel like I've lost it. I think I've jumped off the deep end. Where am I going with all this? I don't know. Sorry for the rant.

I've just spent 10 minutes crying because I feel so fat. I feel disgusting. I feel miserable. I feel depressed and borderline suicidal. I'm trying to be okay. I have to be okay. I can't be freaking out all the time even if it is just in my head. I'm freaking out about my body and my weight and what I ate all day. I know it's too much. I'm too much. I just fucking want to die. I just want all of this to stop. I don't want to feel like this anymore. Not losing weight is killing but losing weight is killing me too. I don't know what to do anymore. I want to be happy. I want to be beautiful and pretty and skinny. That's just the thing. I know I never will be. People keep telling me I'm so skinny. It makes me so mad. If I'm so damn skinny, then why the hell don't I see it? It's my freaking body! I want to see the changes! It's not fair. Everyone says I look so thin and tiny. My dad says I look underweight. I just want to see it. Why can't I see it? Fuck you body dysmorphic disorder! Fuck everything! I'm sick of this battle. I feel like cutting and taking a bunch of pills. I don't feel like I have anyone I can talk to. I'm scared to reach out. I'm supposed to be recovered from depression. People don't know how bad it's getting. I'm slipping and I'm slipping fast. They don't know the horrible thoughts in my head. I have plans..suicidal plans. I'm saving up money for a gun. I'm half way there. I just need a job. I need money to make my pain go away. Maybe I'll steal some more pills and overdose. I want to die. I want to be done with all of this. Someone save me..from myself.

Cider doughnuts

Can we say I'm a total fat ass? Yes I think we can. I  had 4 cider doughnuts in just one day!! Talk about a pig. Then I ate like crazy the rest of the day too. UGH!! I'm so fucking gross!! Excuse the language. I'm just totally disgusted in myself. I weighed 110 this morning. I guess that's good since my weight has been yo-yoing for like the past two weeks. Curse my body and it's cycle. It probably doesn't help that I just got off my period. Hopefully now I'll get rid of some water weight. I wish I didn't have to worry about my period. It's a waste of time. I'm not have kids anyways. No need to screw up anyone else. FML.
Short post. XD

"You look underweight"

It's like "Excuse me? Say what?" Let me rewind a little. I was talking to my dad this morning in the car on the way to school. We got onto the subject of my "eating disorder". He was telling me how my body dismorphic disorder is really messing with my head. My grandma had told him that she found a tape measure in my room. My dad said he knew what was going on. I was just sitting there thinking that he had no idea. He told me he knew I was obsessing over calories and exercising. He said he can tell that I've lost a lot of weight. I told him I don't see any difference. He said that's my bdd. Then we got onto the topic of my thighs. Now I hate my thighs with a passion so this was kinda a touchy subject. He was saying that I'm not really going to lose any fat from my thighs because it's mainly muscle. I said "yeah, well I need to lose fat from my stomach. I know I have fat there." My dad just shook his head. He said, "Your waist is so tiny, I could wrap my hands around it and have my fingers touch." It was my turn to shake my head in disbelief. There is no way, absolutely NO WAY, that I am that skinny. What is he seeing that I don't see. To me, I look the same as I did 10 pounds ago. I want to look skinny. If he says I am but I don't see it, how long will it be til I do? I just want to be pretty. I just want to be thin. Why can't I see what other people see?

Spinning

"And the world is spinning and she keeps on winning, but tell me, what happens when it stops?"

I don't want my world to spin, at least not in a downward spiral. I know right now I'm pretty stable emotionally (yay!) but physically, I am dizzy as hell. My eye sight is swimming. My head is going round in circles. Someone catch me when I fall and I think I'm falling fast.
I don't know why I'm feeling like this. I didn't restrict horribly today. I ate somewhat healthy. I mean I had a baked potato (not the best choice but it's what grandma made) for lunch. I had a bbq pulled chicken sandwich for dinner. I had some grapes and a really yummy cookie. I went for a walk with my grandma. It was a typical run-of-the-mill day. Well except for how many times I went to the bathroom *ahem number two*. <--Sorry TMI. So I really have no clue why I'm feeling like this. Perhaps I just need some sleep. That is where I'm off to now. Good night world.

Totally Triggered

I was watching Law and Order: SVU tonight with my grandma. Seemingly no problem, right? Wrong. It was all going good until I see one of the detectives pass out. Seeing people pass out makes me feel funny. I don't know why. In a way I think it's because I'm jealous? I don't know if "jealous" is the right word but I don't know how else to describe it. When I see someone pass out, I wish it would be me. I have a strange obsession with passing out. I actually like to pass out even though I rarely do. I think I might be an attention whore. 0.o Anyways, there's more to the story. So it's the end of the show and I'm kinda getting the feeling of I know what's going to happen next. And what do you know, it does! The girl eats the poisonous mushrooms. She wakes up in a hospital bed after having her stomach pumped. She looked all around confused and scared. I know that feeling. I've been there before. She wanted to die and they saved her. It's the same story of my life. Well except for the fact that I don't eat poisonous 'shrooms to die. I just OD. Yeah, so I don't know. Just thought I'd share the fact that I am totally feeling suicidal at this time. Stupid triggers. It'll pass though once I peacefully go to sleep.

Pictures Don't Lie

So in the course of three days I gained 6 pounds. I lost roughly 1-2 today. I feel like a total fat ass. I am just so frustrated right now. I was talking to my psychiatrist today and was telling him I don't feel like I have an eating disorder because I'm not underweight. I'm still fat. I try to express how I feel to my grandma but she just keeps forcing lies down my throat telling me I'm skinny and other girls would die to look like me. Is she fucking blind?! What the hell is she seeing that I don't? A past therapist diagnosed me with body dysmorphic disorder. Is that really what I have? It can't be because I see the same thing in the mirror that I see in the pictures I take of myself. Pictures don't lie..do they? I don't know. Even if they did, I don't care. I just want to be pretty. I just want to be skinny. UGH!! I hate weight! I hate my body! I hate everything about me! What's wrong with me?

Unhealthy?

So I haven't been on here for awhile. 0.o Shame on me. I find it is hard to blog because I don't know what to say. I find that to be a really weird comment because my mind is always filled with thoughts. Most of my thoughts are negative. I guess I'll share what's really bothering me right now...

This week I saw my therapist like I do every week. She is worried about me losing weight. She keeps mentioning the hospital and if I'm not careful that's where I'll end up. She keeps telling me I'm unhealthy but really I'm not. I'm still at a healthy weight. I'm just at the lower end of the spectrum. She doesn't really know how much weight I've lost lately. I lost 10 pounds in the month of September. She knows what I weigh though (110).

Yesterday I was talking to my mom. I have been feeling really out of control lately. My friend just got out of the mental hospital for overdosing. It still makes me mad. It's not so much the fact that she OD'ed but more the fact that I had no clue that something was wrong. Anyways, I was telling my mom that I just haven't been doing well for the past couple of weeks. She asked me what else was wrong. I told her that I lost 10 pounds last month. She was telling me that was a lot of weight to lose. She also tried to tell me that I am unhealthy. I swear though I am NOT. I check on all the BMI calculators and all the weight charts and they say that the lowest healthy weight for someone who is 5'4" is 107 lbs. I'm still healthy according to that. I can still lose three pounds and still be healthy.

That brings me to my next point.. I haven't lost weight in over a week! It's killing me. I want to get out of the 110's. I want to reach 100. I want to be skinny the next time I see my mom. Well, skinnier anyways. I don't know. I just feel angry, disappointed, depressed, out of control, confused, and most of all, FAT and UNBEAUTIFUL. Sometimes I just feel like I want to die. I try to be positive and not think thoughts of suicide but it's hard. I'm spiraling downwards again. I was doing so good. Then my friend had to ruin it! I know she wasn't the one who ruined it really but I want someone to blame for my downfall. I'm just a mess. Sorry for my little rant. Thanks if you read all of this.

I want to...

scream.
cut.
bleed.
cry.
escape.
eat.
not eat.
binge.
purge.
write away the madness.
talk to you.
give up.
throw everything away.
leave this all behind.
be free.
fly not fall.
soar not sink.
breathe.
be happy.
not feel this way.
commit suicide.
DIE.

What monster was I today?

...a COOKIE MONSTER! What a fat pig I am. I don't even know how many cookies I ate today. I'm sure I probably had like 30!!! It was absolutely ridiculous. It's like seriously? WTF was I thinking?! I need to do better than this. I say I want to lose weight but all I do is shove food into my mouth. I am WEAK WEAK WEAK!!! It doesn't help that my grandma keeps making comments about how I "don't eat enough" and she "worries about me". It's like please shut up! I'm sick of being the bottomless pit of an always hungry monster. No, I want control. I want perfection. Not fat and imperfection. UGH! I HATE MYSELF!!!

umm..hi

Before I get started, I just wanted to say that you might not want to read this. Not just this post, but any post I ever type. I'm a pessimist to put it nicely. I'm not a good person. I think I'm a monster. I would recommend not getting to know me because I will only end up hurting you. I guess what I'm trying to say is don't get attached because I will only push you away. Am I doing that already? Hmm. I guess I'm just not worth anyone's time. Maybe once and awhile the sun will come out and you might see a side of me you've never seen before. But really, expect a monster.