Thursday, November 4, 2010


I'm still here. *gasp* I know, right? I talked to my mom a lot last night. She is pretty much the only one keeping me here right now. I want to see her just one more time before I kill myself. I should say if I kill myself. I just feel like I'm going crazy. I'm just spiraling down in a haze. It's like I know what's happening but I can't do anything to stop it. I'm trying to keep a stable head but that's impossible with an eating disorder. <-- That's a joke. Eating disorder? Yeah right. I'm not sick enough to have an eating disorder. EDNOS? Yeah, well fuck that! If I'm not anorexic, then there is nothing wrong with me. Sorry for the slight rant.

So onto my intake for the past two days. All I can need to say is BINGE! I wouldn't be surprised to see my weight back up to 110, if not higher. I'm such a failure. I will never lose those pounds. I will never weigh 100 pounds. I will never weigh 85 pounds. I am weak. I am disgusting. I will never be enough. I see all the things I will never be and I think of the things that I am. I'm not happy this way either. I just can't seem to win.

BUT tomorrow is a new day. I'm not going to binge. I'm going to be strong. I will succeed. I will not give up. I am DETERMINED to be skinny. Just watch me. I'll do it. I'm going to prove myself wrong.

1 words from my listeners:

Elisabethgrace said...

You can totally do it!
Everyone slips up! Don't be so hard on yourself.

believe in yourself.
Stay strong and you can get there!

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