Monday, November 22, 2010

I don't know why I do this to myself. Why do I force myself to eat? No, I think the right question is why do I force myself to binge? I just wanted to. I wasn't hungry. I wasn't depressed. I wasn't bored (well kinda but not to the extreme). It was worthless, meaningless, and stupid, but to be honest, I don't think I even care. I'm too f'ed up to give a shit anymore. I'm obsessing over my therapist's suggestion of intensive outpatient. As more time goes on I realize how good of an idea that is. Will it solve my problems? No. Will it cure the urges? No. Will it make life more bearable? Maybe. At least I hope so. I don't know. I just don't know. Then again, I never have.
So here's what I do know:
  • My meds have stopped working.
  • I'm depressed as hell.
  • I feel extremely suicidal.
  • I have a plan.
  • I haven't purged in 2 years, 7 months, and 6 days.
  • I'm very tempted to say f' my record and just do it.
  • I want to stop eating.
  • I sabotage myself to cause myself pain.
  • I inflict physical damage upon myself.
  • I want to give in.

1 words from my listeners:

Thin_Envy said...

Girl stay strong! I have felt in similar, you just need a clear head, I hope you pull through and do whatever it is you need to do for yourself

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