I don't know why I do this to myself. Why do I force myself to eat? No, I think the right question is why do I force myself to binge? I just wanted to. I wasn't hungry. I wasn't depressed. I wasn't bored (well kinda but not to the extreme). It was worthless, meaningless, and stupid, but to be honest, I don't think I even care. I'm too f'ed up to give a shit anymore. I'm obsessing over my therapist's suggestion of intensive outpatient. As more time goes on I realize how good of an idea that is. Will it solve my problems? No. Will it cure the urges? No. Will it make life more bearable? Maybe. At least I hope so. I don't know. I just don't know. Then again, I never have.
So here's what I do know:

• My meds have stopped working.
• I'm depressed as hell.
• I feel extremely suicidal.
• I have a plan.
• I haven't purged in 2 years, 7 months, and 6 days.
• I'm very tempted to say f' my record and just do it.
• I want to stop eating.
• I sabotage myself to cause myself pain.
• I inflict physical damage upon myself.
• I want to give in.

FML.