Thursday, November 18, 2010

I wish I had

STRENGTH. COURAGE. HOPE. LOVE (for myself). FREEDOM. FAITH. (inner) PEACE.

Instead I am weak. scared. hopeless. disgusted. trapped. faithless. tormented.

I don't want to be these things. I want to be strong and courageous and hopeful and loving towards myself and free and faithful and at peace. Why does that seem to be so impossible? That is what I'm fighting for. I fight for it every day.
I hope to one day achieve these goals. These are what goals should be. I shouldn't set goals for weight. I shouldn't strive to be something unhealthy. It's a total contradiction. I fight to be mentally healthy yet I'm aiming for physically unhealthy. Can someone please explain the logic to me? That's right, there is none. Why am I fighting so hard for the things I should be fighting against? Someone help me make sense of this. I'm just so confused. I'm being presented the chance to change. I don't want to take it. They say it would make me happier. I want to be happy. I would give anything to be happy, but is being "fat" a price I'm willing to pay?I just don't know anymore.
I see strength in members of PT. Most recently I have found strength in a 12 year old. That's how old I was when my eating disorder started to develop. This AMAZING young girl had the courage to seek help on her own. How much stronger can you get? She wanted to stop this illness in its tracks. When she goes away to inpatient, I don't think she'll return. That saddens me but even more, it makes me happy. It makes me happy because she is proving she is more than this. She has true strength. Would you laugh at me if I said I look up to a 12 year old? Well don't because this girl is amazing. She deserves the best. I wish her the best of luck. (ILY deary. I wish I had just an ounce of your strength. Be strong, be brave, be everything you can be. YOU my dear one are amazing.)
Until then, searching for the strength within myself. Stay strong. xx

1 words from my listeners:

Simone said...

Amber this is the sweetest more caring thing anyone has ever said to me, I know I posted this on PT but I'm gonna post it again :) Just because. You can get better Amber, I know you can. You have the strength, you will find the courage and you are intelligant and can continue on with your life if you end this horrid illness

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