not any better

It's a little after 6 pm and I am feeling progressively worse today. The day didn't start out bad. It didn't start out good either. It was just ok. I just played on the computer and ate brunch. Nothing exciting. Nothing to get worked up over. Then the darkness started creeping in. I had to go to my grandma's house to pick up the rest of my stuff since I'm staying with my sister now. On the way home, my dad and I were talking. I kept getting all upset. Then I got home and got even more upset. I just want to fucking cut or die or purge. I want to do something bad. I want to hurt outside. I don't want this pain on the inside. GET IT OUT!! I feel like I'm dying inside. I feel trapped, suffocated. I'm screaming at the top of my lungs but no sound comes out. I'm trying to be good, honest I am, but it is just so damn HARD. I'm tired of the fighting. I want to escape. I can't wait to take those fucking pills. But not yet, not yet.