Wednesday, December 1, 2010

A new day, a new month, and 3 cookies?

3 cookies. Yes, that's right, I ate 3 cookies. This makes no sense to me. I had a good day. No breakfast. A grilled honey mustard snack wrap from McDonalds for lunch. I had a cookie for dessert. <-- But that cookie does not count towards my three cookies. Oh no, those are for later. I ate a granola bar for a snack. I ate dinner. I had some mashed potatoes, beets, stuffing, and a roll. I had an apple pie thing for dessert..with Cool Whip. Not only did I eat the Cool Whip on my dessert, I finished the tub. Talk about fat cow. But wait! It gets better! I ate some Skittles. I was like 'oh, they won't hurt me. It's just the fun size bag.' Yeah well it was candy. Then I ate a Pixie Stick. That's nothing but pure sugar. So I was like 'ok, I'm done with this.' Yeah well not really. I went downstairs and ate an oatmeal raisin cookie. I was like mmm that was yummy. Then I was like this time I want a peanut butter cookie. So I had one of those too. Then I wanted another oatmeal raisin cookie. I ate one of those. Wow. Just wow. Look at all I just ate. That is purely DISGUSTING! I cannot even believe myself. I see this month is going to be just as bad as the month before this one and the month before that. Grrr. FML.
I had my assessment with the lady from the eating disorder clinic today. That was scary and embarrassing as hell. She was asking me about what a binge day looked like for me. It was so hard to tell her what/how much I eat on a binge. Pig much? She asked me how much I weighed. I really did not want to tell her that. 115.6. I mean seriously? Can I get any fatter? Obviously I'm trying to prove to myself that I can. Anways, then she asked if I go onto any pro-ana or pro-mia or pro-ED sites. I was like umm yeah. She was the first person I told that I go onto PT. I didn't tell her the site but I was still like freaking out. I was so embarrassed especially when she asked how long I am on it each day. I told her around 2 hours which is the truth. I seriously need a life. She asked a lot of other questions too but these where the most embarrassing. The lady (her name is Lauren) told me that I would be a good match for the intensive outpatient. I was like okay. I don't know how to feel. I want to feel better but at the same time, I want to get worse. It was so hard to admit my weight and how much/what I eat. I keep telling myself 'you don't sound like someone with an eating disorder.' I told my therapist when I saw her today and she asked me if I wanted to have an eating disorder. I kinda laughed and said "I already have one." 0.o Silly Kindra.
It's been a long day. I have school in the morning and I don't want to go. I can't wait for it to be over. Three more days of classes and finals and I am done for the semester! I canNOT wait. I can't even believe I made it through my first semester of college. What an accomplishment.No seriously. That is a major accomplishment for me. First of all I never thought I would graduate high school. I did. Second, I never thought I'd turn 18. I did. Now third, I'm completing my first semester of college? It's like wow. I've come far and I still have a long way to go. That doesn't make me feel any better. A long way to go? I don't want to go anywhere. I don't want to be here either. I still face those suicidal thoughts every day. It's a struggle. I see no future for myself. My grandma gets frustrated because I'm so negative about my future. It's like just stop. I get so pissed off when people tell me "You're so smart and talented and pretty. You have a bright future ahead of you." It's like oh my god just shut up! I don't want to hear the lies. I know there is nothing ahead for me. I'm not stupid. Like you said, I'm smart. It's time for you to wise up and see the truth. My talent is suicide and I look pretty when I sleep. Too bad I'll be sleeping forever.

Well this has been really long. Thanks if you read all this. :)

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