Sunday, December 5, 2010

That way...again

I'm that way again. Depressed. Suicidal. Battling urges to cut. I know I should be strong. I know I should fight. I just don't want to. The past couple of days I have obsessed going to the store and buying some pills, pills I know I should not take, let alone get. I don't care though. As time passes, suicide seems more and more appealing. I try to ignore these thoughts. I try to push them away. I try to tell myself that suicide isn't the answer, but I know I'm lying. It's hard to lie to yourself. You can see straight through the lies. I know that I shouldn't lie to myself but I know that it is the only thing that is going to keep me going. If I didn't lie to myself and tell myself it's all going to be okay, I think I would have attempted long before now. I keep giving myself reasons to push on. I have finals in 2 weeks. I can't very well give that up. I worked so hard to get into college. I'm not going to throw away my first semester. So I will finish it. What happens after that? I really don't know. Suicide just seems so tempting. Everything besides living seems so tempting. I'm ready to die. I'm not afraid. So someone please kill me now.

3 words from my listeners:

Epic Child said...

I completely understand. I know how tempting it is, and I've battled with the urge to end it all a fair share of times. But please don't. There must be something holding you back. Finals is a good start, but find something that means more to you. Start out small; plan to see a movie with a friend next weekend, something you can look forward to. Make it your goal; to make it to Friday so you can share a fun time with someone close to you. Anything you can do to make your life seem at least a little more worthwhile, because you are loved and you are worth it. You can get through this, but you don't have to do it alone. I'm here for you if you need it.

*Broken* said...

I know exactly what you mean...I´ve been battleing with the urge to kill myself for5 years and the reasons to stay alive keep getting smaller.
Find someething you really want, like having a child(not right now of course), finishing your career, traveling, something.
Whenever you need to talk, I´m right here.
xx

Night_Flower said...

Aw I'm really sorry you feel so bad. But please don't do anything, there will be lots of things in your life to look forward to and you will be able to feel better again eventually. Try doing things you would normally enjoy or talking to someone, it can really help =) Stay strong and I hope you feel better soon xx

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