Monday, October 25, 2010

I feel...

like a failure. I don't feel like I'm making any progress in losing weight. If anything, I'm gaining weight. Ugh. I hate myself and my lack of self-control. I'm always eating and shoving food down my throat. Then I wonder why I'm fat. This is just so stupid. I don't even feel like I have an eating disorder half of the time. Sure all I ever think about is food and my body and my weight. Sure I obsess over calories and over exercise but does that really mean I have an eating disorder? No. I don't think so. My therapist and my family would beg to differ. I honestly believe that I can't have an eating disorder until I'm underweight. I can't have an eating disorder until my BMI is below 17.5 or until I weigh less than 100 pounds. I feel as if I'll never get there. I'll never be skinny. I'll always be FAT!! I'm sick of always wanting to be something that I know I can never be. Why won't people just let me do what I want? Why can't they just let me be who I want to be? Why do they get to control me? I have NO control! It's all I be in control. Wouldn't that be nice for a change? I feel like I'm freaking losing my mind. I'm spiraling downwards and I'm too scared to ask for help. But when it comes to my "eating disorder", I don't want to ask for help. To me, help equals fat. My mom and grandma keep telling me that I won't get fat. I can just maintain but I think they are lying. They want me to be fat. They don't want me to be skinny. They don't want me to be happy. They never have. My whole life I've felt like shit. It's all because of them! My dad abused me. He called me names. He called me FAT! I didn't just become crazy for no good reason. But does anyone believe me? NO! Why the hell not?! NO one listens to me when I try to tell them about what happened with my dad. They just laugh it off and push it aside. I guess maybe I am crazy after all. I don't even know right now. All I know is I feel like I've lost it. I think I've jumped off the deep end. Where am I going with all this? I don't know. Sorry for the rant.

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