Saturday, October 23, 2010

I've just spent 10 minutes crying because I feel so fat. I feel disgusting. I feel miserable. I feel depressed and borderline suicidal. I'm trying to be okay. I have to be okay. I can't be freaking out all the time even if it is just in my head. I'm freaking out about my body and my weight and what I ate all day. I know it's too much. I'm too much. I just fucking want to die. I just want all of this to stop. I don't want to feel like this anymore. Not losing weight is killing but losing weight is killing me too. I don't know what to do anymore. I want to be happy. I want to be beautiful and pretty and skinny. That's just the thing. I know I never will be. People keep telling me I'm so skinny. It makes me so mad. If I'm so damn skinny, then why the hell don't I see it? It's my freaking body! I want to see the changes! It's not fair. Everyone says I look so thin and tiny. My dad says I look underweight. I just want to see it. Why can't I see it? Fuck you body dysmorphic disorder! Fuck everything! I'm sick of this battle. I feel like cutting and taking a bunch of pills. I don't feel like I have anyone I can talk to. I'm scared to reach out. I'm supposed to be recovered from depression. People don't know how bad it's getting. I'm slipping and I'm slipping fast. They don't know the horrible thoughts in my head. I have plans..suicidal plans. I'm saving up money for a gun. I'm half way there. I just need a job. I need money to make my pain go away. Maybe I'll steal some more pills and overdose. I want to die. I want to be done with all of this. Someone save me..from myself.

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