Friday, October 8, 2010


So I haven't been on here for awhile. 0.o Shame on me. I find it is hard to blog because I don't know what to say. I find that to be a really weird comment because my mind is always filled with thoughts. Most of my thoughts are negative. I guess I'll share what's really bothering me right now...

This week I saw my therapist like I do every week. She is worried about me losing weight. She keeps mentioning the hospital and if I'm not careful that's where I'll end up. She keeps telling me I'm unhealthy but really I'm not. I'm still at a healthy weight. I'm just at the lower end of the spectrum. She doesn't really know how much weight I've lost lately. I lost 10 pounds in the month of September. She knows what I weigh though (110).

Yesterday I was talking to my mom. I have been feeling really out of control lately. My friend just got out of the mental hospital for overdosing. It still makes me mad. It's not so much the fact that she OD'ed but more the fact that I had no clue that something was wrong. Anyways, I was telling my mom that I just haven't been doing well for the past couple of weeks. She asked me what else was wrong. I told her that I lost 10 pounds last month. She was telling me that was a lot of weight to lose. She also tried to tell me that I am unhealthy. I swear though I am NOT. I check on all the BMI calculators and all the weight charts and they say that the lowest healthy weight for someone who is 5'4" is 107 lbs. I'm still healthy according to that. I can still lose three pounds and still be healthy.

That brings me to my next point.. I haven't lost weight in over a week! It's killing me. I want to get out of the 110's. I want to reach 100. I want to be skinny the next time I see my mom. Well, skinnier anyways. I don't know. I just feel angry, disappointed, depressed, out of control, confused, and most of all, FAT and UNBEAUTIFUL. Sometimes I just feel like I want to die. I try to be positive and not think thoughts of suicide but it's hard. I'm spiraling downwards again. I was doing so good. Then my friend had to ruin it! I know she wasn't the one who ruined it really but I want someone to blame for my downfall. I'm just a mess. Sorry for my little rant. Thanks if you read all of this.

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