Chili's

Food today was okay. Should have been less. Ate too much at dinner.
Brunch:
Frosted Flakes w/ 2% milk ~200 cals
Dinner:
Chips and salsa ~ 200 cals
Chili's Southwestern Eggrolls (2/3 serving) - 540 cals
Drinks:
water - 0 cals
32 oz sweet tea ~ 190 cals
10 oz Sprite ~ 120 cals
Grand Total: 1250 calories.
Grrrr fat bitch. Shouldn't have eaten so much at dinner. FUCKING FAT PIG!!
I'm doing the whole recovery thing (2 meals a day) yet I'm still losing/trying to lose. Fail much?
In one week I will be done with Driver's Ed. I can restrict all I want. I can lose all I want. Free for a month and a half. No school. No nothing. I don't care about the hospital. I'm not sick anyways. I'm clearly a wannarexic.
I don't have an eating disorder. I'm much too fat for that. I eat too much for that. I don't freak out over eating meals. I just shove food into my mouth because I'm clearly normal. So sometimes (all the time) I feel like purging after I eat. It's no big deal. It would be a big deal if I purged..but I don't so clearly I'm fine. Just another wanna. EDNOS? HA! That's not a diagnosis. Not for me anyways. It's anorexia or nothing. Of course I believe in bulimia too but I don't binge enough or do purging type behaviors enough to have that. So really it's anorexic or fat failure.
Wow, I'm positive tonight. *sarcasm*
Good night.

two words

i cut.

i just don't know

I'm not sure what I'm doing right now with recovery. I ate my two meals today for my recovery goal. Will I tomorrow is the question. I just want to get sick, be sick. I want this illness to engulf me. I want to prove to myself that I am sick. 98 is sick. I just want to be 98. 98 means the hospital. Is it worth it? Yes. No? I don't know. I need some time, time to think, time to figure out what on earth I'm doing with my life. I may or may not post. I just don't know right now. I'm sorry.

Happy Father's Day

I actually spent it with my father at the water park. It actually went well. Had fun. :)
Downsides:
-sunburn
-too much food
FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT
kinda wanting to die again.
but shhhhh don't tell.
it's been coming on for awhile.
not enough to do something
not actively planning always planning
i'm sorry..for letting you down again.

fdlksjf

I woke up for once and was not tired. It was crazy wonderful. :)
Ate lunch. Almost didn't. Was paranoid if I ate, I wouldn't fit into my new shorts. (That wasn't the case.)
Went to the pool for 4.5 hours. It was hot and I got a little sunburnt. It was fun though. I ran into my dad there. 0.o We actually talked and got along. He might give me the car. :))) He brought me home.
Talked to my brother-in-law. :)
Ate dinner. Ate two desserts. Want more. :(
Don't know what else to say. Night.

size 0

I can wear a size 0!! =D I even fit into the one size 00 that I tried! 0.o How the hell is that possible? Am I really that skinny? My mom was not impressed, especially when I told her my size 0 shorts were falling off. It's like "oh shit. I guess I am getting smaller." I must say that I am uber excited by this! I've been wanting back into size 0 for a long time...and now I am!! Wooooooooo.
I ate like crap today and am about to have ice cream. smart decision dumb ass. way to not fit into your size 0 shorts. I didn't exercise. I wanted to swim but couldn't. (I'm on my period and don't/can't wear tampons.) I will be able to tomorrow though. Good thing my period only lasts 2 days. =P
Umm don't know what else to say. Love you guys!

Oh and PS..I didn't take any pills. :)

enough

jumping jacks, planks, banana boats, wall sits.
That's not enough, is it?
No, it's never enough.
I'm never enough.
NEVER
-good
-pretty
-thin
-worthy
-smart
-helpful
-strong
ENOUGH.
Want to stop.
Want to give in.
Want to DIE.
Don't want to
-live
-breathe
-fight
-eat
.
When will it end?
It has to end.
Why won't it end?
I can't do this.
I am too weak.
and
It is too strong.
There is no "it".
There is only me.
I'm not disordered..
merely crazy.
alone.
scared.
confused.
CAN
NOTDO
THIS.
Pills are tempting.
Just a couple would help.
Just a couple would take the pain away.
Just a couple.
Just the whole bottle.
Don't want to fight.
Tired of fighting.
Give in?
Yes, please.

wake me up inside

SAVE ME from the nothing I've become.

Fuck. I'm falling and falling fast. Crashing. Triggered. Unstable. Want to cut. Punching myself instead. Fat bitch. fat fat fat. You should never eat again. Weak for eating. FAT for eating. I can't believe you wanted pie. Obviously you are just a fucking cow. Eat like a little piggy. Oink oink. You deserve to be punished. Cut. Bleed. Die.
UGLY.
MONSTER.
FREAK.
CRAZY PSYCHO ASS BITCH!
I hate you. Do you hear me?! I FUCKING HATE YOU!
Too chickened to purge. Don't want to spoil your precious record.
LAZY.
WEAK.
NEVER GOOD ENOUGH.
Eating disorder? Yeah right.
WANNAREXIC.
FUCK YOU!

sorry

for failing at posting lately. I didn't get on the computer at all yesterday due to sleeping, psychiatrist appointment, a showing (of the house), dinner, and driver's ed homework. The homework was HARDDDDDDD!
Did not want to wake up this morning. I slept through 3 alarms. fucking pathetic. I'm just so tired.
Driver's Ed day two went well. I took notes and took a test which I'm hoping I got 90% on. Otherwise, I'll have to retake it.
Ate a crap load of (unhealthy) food today because I'm a fat ass.
Went to the pool TWICE.
First time went well, minus flashing the whole world multiple times. Stupid suit kept going down on the obstacle course.
Second time, not so hot. I was having a lot of ED thoughts. My thighs seemed to have grown to the size of tree trunks. I had to hide them with a towel. I also hid my tears underneath a towel. I hate the pool the second time. I just wanted to come home.
Now I'm home and blogging. Don't know what else to say.
Night loves.

i hate titles

Sorry for no post yesterday. I would have posted after dinner except my food allergies decided to act up. Diarrhea is no fun. Honestly, I can't even remember what I did yesterday. Oh wait, it's slowly coming back. Had a rude awakening due to my little sister's bustle for her audition. I lounged on the computer before hopping in the shower. Played on the computer some more. Went to my mom and little sister's massage. I was supposed to see if I could get one too. I didn't bother. Went to dinner. Got sick. Now you're caught up on yesterday. =P
Today was okay. Woke up shortly after 11. I was still tired even though I got almost 12 hours of sleep. I don't know why I'm always so tired. It's annoying. Went to see Judy Moody and The Not So Bummer Summer. It was really good. :) I ate so much (extra buttery) popcorn and candy. Plus I had an ICEE. Packed my stuff to come back to my grandparents. Then I went home and ate my quesadilla explosion salad from last night. Fought with mom on the way home. :( Almost cut but called my therapist and got through it. Ate dinner (mac and cheese with mashed potatoes). Then I went for my very first driving lesson!! I was super nervous. I thought I was going to kill us all but I didn't! I wasn't very good at the gas pedal but once I got to driving a little more, I did better. I wasn't the best at the brakes either. 0.o I'm not the greatest parker but hey!, it was my first time driving. Give me a brake! ;) I'm proud of myself. I had fun. I can't wait to better my driving skills. We rewarded my mad driving skills with a hot fudge sundae. :) :( :/ Now it's bed time and I am so ready for that!
Okay. Good night my lovelies!

poem

When losing weight is your passion
And starving means control
You know you have a problem
Or at least that's what you're told
When you look at thinspiration
And that's all you want to be
You tell yourself you will do anything
To be like the girls you see
Checking out pro-ana sites
To find an Ana friend
Trying out the tips and tricks
Losing weight is the latest trend
Starving for perfection
Doing anything to be thin
Want to see the bones
Maybe that'll make you love yourself again
But deep down you know you're lying
You know it'll only make things worse
But you just can't give it up
"Hunger hurts but starving works"
The pounds may drop
But you'll still feel just as fat
You'll still hate the reflection in the mirror
You'll see a body covered in fat
Everyone around you
Will notice how sick you are
But you'll deny you have a problem
You haven't taken it too far
Killing yourself slowly
A prolonged suicide
Sometimes you wish it would kill you
It's better than living with the monster that's inside
You know that you are miserable
Living with the voice inside your head
You also know that if you're not careful
You'll go too far and you'll be dead
But a part of you doesn't care
And that's what scares you most
Not caring if you die
For a body you can't boast
You know there's only one way
To make yourself feel good
Recovery will make it better
If you were stronger than you would
You have the strength within you
Even though you disagree
You have everything it takes
To make it through recovery
So take it step by step
And take it one bite at a time
One day you'll be free
From that monster in your mind
It'll take hard work
But it's worth it in the end
Recovery will save you
Recovery will help you mend
So don't give up your life
For an unattainable goal
Choose to recover
And you'll truly have control
Life will get better
If you stay on recovery's path
No it won't be easy
Yes you will have a lapse
But everyone has setbacks
You just have to get up and start again
You can do it
Happiness is just around the bend

hello

I didn't eat the best today. I took 3 green tea pills. I'm bloated as fuck. Grrrr. ED wise, today was a bad day.
I freaked out over eating a salad. Well, first I freaked out because dinner plans were changed. I was no longer having turkey chili. I didn't know what restaurant we were going to. I managed to get through it okay. I did feel extremely guilty though over eating the salad. Fucking pathetic but in my defense, there was a lot of stuff on it.
I hung out on anabites for six and a half hours. I have no life. XD
Don't know what else to say.
Staying with my mom this weekend. :)
Might go swimming. 0.o
Nervous.
Too fat.
Same for another massage.
TOO FAT!
I gained 1.4 pounds from my binge last night.
I'm hoping to lose them soon.
I want to reach a new low weight.
I want to reach 100 98.
Must lose.
Can't lose.
Recovering.
Am I?
Fuck I'm confused.
I haven't done a good job of recovering.
Skipping meals.
Binging.
Grrrr.
Just a fat failure.
Soon to be even fatter. -.-
Okay, enough of my shit.
Good night.

recovery = fail

You cannot binge and be in recovery. I am a fat bitch with no self-control. Why did I think I could do this? I'm weak. I'm not strong enough to recover. When I step on that scale tomorrow, all I'm going to think is "how can I lose this weight?". How fucking pathetic. When your life is controlled by food and weight, you know you have a problem. But I don't have a problem. I can't have a problem. I'm not sick. I never was. I never will be. Sick is less than 100. Sick is purging. Sick is never eating again. I'm not less than 100. I'm not purging (though I wish I was). I'm sure as hell eating. I don't know why I thought I could do this. I was stupid. I just proved (once again) that I'll never be enough. I'm not enough to be sick. I'm not enough to recover. I'm in fucking limbo. Not enough. Never enough. enough enough ENOUGH! Fuck this. I don't know what I want.

AS (AlwaysStriving)

This post is just to let you know that AS has admitted herself to an eating disorder unit. She has been there since Monday June 6. I am keeping in touch with her so if you have any messages for her, tell me and I will pass them along. :)

Here is the e-mail from her second night there:

Hey, guys.

So, here is an update for all of you.

Whew...I've been inpatient for over twenty-four hours and IT HAS NOT BEEN EASY.

I wasn't able to have the meals/supplements so they put a feeding tube in today. Not gonna lie...it hurt like hell. They said it would jsut be uncomfortable, but I was in a TON of pain. But, I know that I need it in order to start getting some nourishment again. Dinner was a little better...I tried to have a little bit more off of my plate and then they gave me the rest of the supplement required. I will be able to get off of the tube once I can have 100% foods and 100% fluids for an entire 48 hours. Eek.

Its pretty scary right now, and challenging, and a real emotional rollercoaster. It has been lonely but between all of the doctors and different types of therapists here on my team I have a truly excellent support system and I feel really blessed to have it. It has been slow getting to know the other girls since I've pretty much been in zombie mode here and they are all further along in their recoveries...many of them are looking at leaving here in a week or two...and I am not totally sure what kind of time line to expect. But, anyways, they have all been very encouraging and understanding and it is nice to be around people who are in the same boat as I am, although I am most definitely the largest person here! (Although they all think that, ha ha).

Anyways, I just thought I would send out an update.  

Alright, guys, I don't have much more to say. But, at the end of one of THE hardest (not worst, but hardest) days of my life, I can say that I am feeling more hopeful about beating this than I have before. I have a good team here. And, we'll see!

Be in touch.

Lots of love, and all the best,

AS

Wishing you the best of luck AS!

You're my inspiration.

recovery day 3

Starving myself will not make me worthy..worthy of love, worthy of acceptance, worthy of anything.
Starving myself will not make me beautiful.
Starving myself will not make me happy.
What will starving myself bring me?
-sadness
-hunger for something better than this
-hunger for nourishment
-death
I kind of wish for the last one.
I don't really know what good I get from all of this. It doesn't make me happy. It doesn't make me "thin". I feel just as fat, if not fatter, than before. It'll never be enough. I'll never be enough.
So recover you say?
I am.
Sort of.
Maybe.
Kind of.
Two meals a day. It's a step, right?
Stopping the green tea pills. Not right now. When I run out.
Scared, so scared.
Wanting to lose weight..still.
Can't gain.
Don't want to gain.
What about my goals?
Where will they get me?
A hospital.
Is that what I want?
Yes.
No.
Maybe.
Hell if I know.
So confused.
So conflicted.
What the fuck am I doing?

"how many shrinks does it take to change a light bulb?

none. the light bulb has to want to change itself." - On the Edge of Innocence

I just consumed 605 calories of sugar, fat, and carbs. Fan-fucking-tastic! *sarcasm* Other than my recent intake, my day was good calorie wise. I probably had about 1500 today total, maybe even a little less than that. By the way, squash is gross!
Better mood today. :)
It was hot outside.
Dumped wood.
Ran errands.
Almost crashed the car (well my grandpa did!).
Grandpa's blood sugar dropped to 38 (waaaaay low).
Ripped off my toe nail. OWWWWWWW!
I guess that's it.
Night loves.

a poem

This pain is lasting
My heart is breaking
Even further I'm relapsing
My life I am staking
One thought keeps repeating
"I wish I was dead"
I know it's self-defeating
But sometimes I agree with that thought in my head
This pain is too much
So I eat too little
Ana's my crutch
For when my dad belittles
He doesn't love me
He doesn't care
All he does is hurt me
Especially now that he's not there
But thinking back
I realize he never was
With every slap
And every cruel word he cussed
I'll never be worthy
I'll never be enough
Always hurting
Man this is tough
It kills me inside
Knowing he's gone
So many tears I have cried
I hope this pain doesn't last long
I wish you loved me
Because secretly I love you
But you don't know how to deal with me
What is there for you to do?
Your daughter is killing herself
Now for your affection
Debating if she wants the help
But can't stand her reflection
So conflicted, confused
Isolated yet not alone
Don't know what to choose
Wishing you'd just come home
But for now you're not
Therein lies the problem
Between a rock and a hard place I'm caught
I hate this place I'm in
Help me.

recovery?

I went to group today. (It'll be my last time going for three weeks due to driver's ed(ucation).) We all made goals for our eating disorder. My original goal was not one I really wanted for myself but it was a recovery goal nonetheless. It was to eat 1800 calories a day. That would be an extremely hard goal for me. So we set a more manageable goal for me: eat both lunch and dinner every day. It's day one and I've already failed. :(
I talked to my therapist briefly after group about my dad. I filled her in on the texts and dance recital. I told her how my dad makes me feel not good enough, unworthy of love, small, and invisible. I told her it made me want to relapse further. She said that he doesn't know how to handle my illness and that by getting worse, I'll just push him away even more. I also told her I think my dad only cares about me when I'm dying so I feel like if I take my ED to the point of dying, he'll come back. She disagrees. She says I shouldn't get worse because of him. I should use this to prove to him I'm stronger than this and pretty much say "fuck you" to him. It's nice in theory but implementing is a whole nother ball field.
I came home and ate lunch: Lucky Charms and chocolate cream pie. It was yummy. Then about 2 hours later I had a mini binge on Flaming Hot Cheetos, peanut butter, 2 deviled eggs, and angel food cake. Since I consumed so many calories in my binge, I have felt that it is not necessary to eat dinner. Plus I'm scared to eat. My grandpa offered to buy me a hot fudge sundae from McDonalds. You know it's bad when I say no to ice cream. I just can't do it.
Then my grandpa asked why I didn't want one and I told him I was upset about my dad. He came and sat behind me and started rubbing my arm. His fingers were close to my chest. Then he started massaging my neck. It was creepy. I feel like I want to crawl out of my skin and my lips burn again (even though he didn't kiss me). Ugh. I can't deal with this.
So recovery? I don't even fucking know.

recital

Woke up a little before 9 am even though my alarm didn't go off like it was supposed to.
Peeled and cut eggs for deviled eggs.
Scrubbed the sun room floor...with a toothbrush.
Scrubbed the kitchen floor...on my hands and knees.
Hung out on anabites for awhile.
Talked about my dad. fucking asshole.
Went to my little sister's dance recital.
Compared my body to the dancers.
They were all so tiny.
Some were tinier than me. (>_<)
Sometimes their ribs would show when doing certain moves.
My ribs show sometimes.
My sister was good, though she watched the other girls a lot.
My dad came to the recital.
Didn't say a word to me.
Mom confronted him.
He didn't care.
"I don't know what to say."
='(
fuck you too dad.
Family dinner for my aunt's birthday.
Anxiety.
Ate a little bit of everything.
Had cake and pie. fucking fat ass.
Finally finished catching up on people's blogs.
I've been bad about reading those.
My friend is drunk.
lol.
It's funny.
I'm tired.
Group tomorrow.
Anxious.
Too fat.
fuck.

stupid lasagna

My food intake today was simple: two light yogurts (200) and ultra lowfat turkey lasagna (265). I also drank a cup of Diet V8 Splash (10). So 475 calories for the day. Woo fucking hoo. Should have been less but my grandpa decided to eat dinner with me. Grrrrrrrr. (>_<)
I exercised for the first time in awhile. Don't know how many calories I burned. I did the Biggest Loser: Last Chance Workout. Anyone know how many calories that burns? I'll look it up later. Probably around 250-300 calories. Couldn't find an exact answer.
Cleaned the house.
Went grocery shopping.
Learned something new about my best friend. Kinda upset that she didn't tell me before now. Kinda upset that I wasn't the first to know (don't know what makes me so fucking special).
Attended Shannice's birthday party on anabites!! Happy Birthday my dear!! I'm eating cake tomorrow in honor of you!
Umm, my dad's still a dick. Hasn't talked to me at all since he moved out. Yeah dad, love you too.
Nervous about group on Monday. I wonder if they'll think I'm fat. I feel too fat. I swear my body has blown up in size by a ton. Grrrr. Although I have lost weight since the last time they saw me. Hopefully I'll have lost more by Monday. But I shouldn't lose more. I probably trigger them. I think I'm the skinniest one there. They are all recovering and here I am relapsing. I feel bad but I don't want to change. I'm not ready.
Umm yeah. I think that's all.
Busy day tomorrow.
Hope everyone is well.
Love you guys!

hi

Short day, yet long day. Woke up at 11:30 am after going to bed around 1 am. It was crazy. My grandma was worried because I didn't answer her first two phone calls. I was fine, just passed out. lol. I got my stuff ready to come back to my grandparents house but I chose to have my mom take me back so I could say good-bye to her. Plus I didn't really want to come back home. I'm finding I don't like home as much as I used to. :( Hung out on anabites all day. I love the lovelies on there. <3 Watched So You Think You Can Dance (SYTYCD) with my sisters. That was good. Left with my mom and little sis to go meet up with my grandparents. Met at Pizza Shoppe. Had a salad and two slices of veggie pizza. FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Feel gross. Feel full. Want to purge. Almost two hours later, I want to purge. fuck fuck fuck. Back home. Don't want to be here. Want to be back with my mom.
Pissed at my dad. Was upset a lot of the day because of him. He texted my little sister twice telling her he loved her. Did he text me to say he loved me? No. Did he text me at all? No. Fuck you too dad.

Old ___ Days

Tonight was fun. I went to Old ___ Days with my sisters, brother-in-law, and some of my little sister's friends. It was a fair with rides and games and all sorts of (unhealthy) food. Tonight they were doing wristbands which allowed you to ride any ride unlimited. So we (my little sister, her friends, and me) all got wristbands and away we went! Our first ride was the Ali Baba. The girls were all screaming even though it wasn't that scary. I'm afraid of heights (as is my little sis) so I was a little unnerved but that didn't stop me from having a good time. Next up was the true test of the night...the Ring of Fire! It's this crazy ride where you go around in a loop going both directions. (I'll google it to see if I can find a picture!) I was so scared on that ride! As were my little sister and her friends. My little sister was almost in tears but she got through it okay. We went on the Cliff Hanger. That is a three person ride and there were four of us. So of course I was the odd one out. I ended up riding with two total strangers. AWKWARD! lol. We went on the Ferris Wheel. I rode by myself. It was enjoyable. :) We got snow cones. We went on Zero Gravity. You are in a circle and it lifts you up and spins you around. We went on the Ring of Fire again, only this time at night! It was so scary but it was still a lot of fun. We got funnel cakes. (I ate way too much and felt guilty) Then it was back on Zero Gravity. Finally, the night was over. I had a blast. I'm glad I got to go. It was my first time at a fair where I actually got to ride the rides. (Usually I just go to craft fairs. 0.o) Well my loves, it is late and I'm tired. Good end to an okay day.

 The Rides...

Ali Baba



Ring of Fire





Cliff Hanger



Zero Gravity

my dad

is a fucking asshole. He walked out on our family for a second time. He didn't even have the guts to tell me. His explanation for why he was packing things into his car, "I'm cleaning". Cleaning my ass! Fuck you!

twinkle twinkle little star

I'm tired.
I'm always tired.
I'm kinda hazy right now.
Not really with it.
Going to bed soon.
Not soon enough.
Want to sleep.
Sleep forever.
Don't know what I'm saying.
Tired of drama.
Yes, you.
You = drama.
I = drama too.
What am I talking about?
Don't know.
Don't care.
Good night.

104

Allergies suck. I'm tired. I don't feel good. I just want to sleep, sleep, sleep.
Binged all day. All sugary foods too. fucking fat ass.
Therapy went well. Told K about anabites. She approved.
Felt like purging. Didn't purge.
Other people struggling. Want to help them. Can't help them. :(
Tired, so tired.
It's not enough.
I'm never enough.