Recovery?..maybe?

I'm not really sure where to start. I'm not really sure where I stopped. I've been a crazy internal mess lately. I've been trying to recover, whatever the hell that means. I don't really know what I'm recovering from. I mean I can't be sick. I'm still a healthy weight. My therapist even said so herself. "I'm concerned about her eating but her weight is not low enough for me to have her hospitalized." That killed me inside. I felt like breaking down right there. I felt like she was telling me I don't have an eating disorder. I felt like she was telling me I'm not serious. I have a serious problem with wanting to prove to people that I'm serious about being disordered. How can I think I'm sick if my own therapist doesn't even think I am? I know that's not what she meant but my mind is so twisted. I want to prove to her that I really have an eating disorder. I want to prove to her that I'm serious about how fat I think know I am. Why does my mind play games like this? I know this isn't what she meant. I'm just so sick in the head that I don't care. I want to prove her wrong. I want to prove to her that I am sick enough to be hospitalized. It's like f*ck you! I'll show you. Curse this mindset of mine.
So Thanksgiving has brought good and bad. I've been loving spending time with my mom. I've missed her so much. I got to see my aunt and uncle from Florida. I got to see my great aunt and great grandpa/grandma. I love seeing my family. Downside to seeing my family is there is always food, especially on Thanksgiving. I feel like I ate so much. I did eat so much. I had a little bit of everything and then I had dessert which was usually pie. God, I'm such a fat ass. It got to be so much on Saturday that I broke down right there in my grandma's house. I barely got out of the kitchen before I started crying. My mom came in to talk to me followed by my uncle. I was crying and telling my mom about how I've been trying to recover and it's just been so hard because the past few days have all been about food. My mom was hugging me and telling me it's not about the food, it's about being with the ones you love. She told me she would do whatever it takes to get me into the intensive outpatient program. My uncle was just hugging me and telling me I was beautiful and how he was going to protect me and keep me safe. I felt so loved but I still felt horrible. Anytime anyone complimented me, I felt horrible. It was just a rough night.
So I don't know where this puts me for recovery. I'm still trying to eat my three meals a day. I'm managing to do that but I still feel so guilty. I know I've gained a ton of weight. I can see it on my body. I just feel so gross. I still want to die. I don't know what to do. Do I want to recover? Do I want to get worse? Do I want to stay the same? No to that last question. I just don't know.

I don't know why I do this to myself. Why do I force myself to eat? No, I think the right question is why do I force myself to binge? I just wanted to. I wasn't hungry. I wasn't depressed. I wasn't bored (well kinda but not to the extreme). It was worthless, meaningless, and stupid, but to be honest, I don't think I even care. I'm too f'ed up to give a shit anymore. I'm obsessing over my therapist's suggestion of intensive outpatient. As more time goes on I realize how good of an idea that is. Will it solve my problems? No. Will it cure the urges? No. Will it make life more bearable? Maybe. At least I hope so. I don't know. I just don't know. Then again, I never have.
So here's what I do know:

• My meds have stopped working.
• I'm depressed as hell.
• I feel extremely suicidal.
• I have a plan.
• I haven't purged in 2 years, 7 months, and 6 days.
• I'm very tempted to say f' my record and just do it.
• I want to stop eating.
• I sabotage myself to cause myself pain.
• I inflict physical damage upon myself.
• I want to give in.

FML.

I wish...

So I wish I could say this is easy.
I wish I could say that I'm strong.
I wish I could say that I'm happy.
I wish I could tell EDNOS "so long."

I wish I was able to quit this.
I wish I was able to stop.
I wish I was through with this shit.
I wish I didn't wish for weight loss.

I wish I could say that I'm done,
With this and the pain that it brings.
I wish I could say that I won
Instead of continue to scream.

I wish I could kiss this good-bye
And be happy for the rest of my life.
Instead I wish to die
And I want to die tonight.

(I am a) STATISTIC

SUICIDE-

• A person in the US dies from suicide every 16 minutes.
• 90 people in the US commit suicide every day.
• There is between 8-25 attempts for every completed suicide.
• There are three female suicide attempts for each male attempt.
• Males are 4x more likely to commit suicide than females.
• Suicide is the third leading cause of death of people aged 15-24.
• Suicide is the second leading cause of death in college students.
• Over half of all suicides are by a firearm.

DEPRESSION-

• By this year (2010), depression will be the #1 disability in the world.
• Approximately 9.5% of people in the US have a form of depression.
• Depression is twice as common in women than men.
• 30% of people with depression attempt suicide.
• Of that 30%, half of them succeed.

My STATISTICS-

• I am a female.
• I am 18.
• I suffer from depression.
• I am in college.
• I have attempted suicide more than three times.
• At least one man has died while I continue to accumulate suicide attempts.
• I plan on buying a firearm.

I wish I had

STRENGTH. COURAGE. HOPE. LOVE (for myself). FREEDOM. FAITH. (inner) PEACE.

Instead I am weak. scared. hopeless. disgusted. trapped. faithless. tormented.

I don't want to be these things. I want to be strong and courageous and hopeful and loving towards myself and free and faithful and at peace. Why does that seem to be so impossible? That is what I'm fighting for. I fight for it every day.
I hope to one day achieve these goals. These are what goals should be. I shouldn't set goals for weight. I shouldn't strive to be something unhealthy. It's a total contradiction. I fight to be mentally healthy yet I'm aiming for physically unhealthy. Can someone please explain the logic to me? That's right, there is none. Why am I fighting so hard for the things I should be fighting against? Someone help me make sense of this. I'm just so confused. I'm being presented the chance to change. I don't want to take it. They say it would make me happier. I want to be happy. I would give anything to be happy, but is being "fat" a price I'm willing to pay?I just don't know anymore.
I see strength in members of PT. Most recently I have found strength in a 12 year old. That's how old I was when my eating disorder started to develop. This AMAZING young girl had the courage to seek help on her own. How much stronger can you get? She wanted to stop this illness in its tracks. When she goes away to inpatient, I don't think she'll return. That saddens me but even more, it makes me happy. It makes me happy because she is proving she is more than this. She has true strength. Would you laugh at me if I said I look up to a 12 year old? Well don't because this girl is amazing. She deserves the best. I wish her the best of luck. (ILY deary. I wish I had just an ounce of your strength. Be strong, be brave, be everything you can be. YOU my dear one are amazing.)
Until then, searching for the strength within myself. Stay strong. xx

Losing

Losing hope, losing faith but not losing weight. I feel horrible. These past few days have been really rough. I've been getting really depressed and suicidal. Sometimes the feelings and thoughts of wanting to die take over and it takes everything in me to not do something stupid. I've been cutting. (I threw away my blades though so that should help.) I've been trying everything in my power to be okay. It's just not enough anymore. I'm not enough. I just want all this to be over. I fight and I fight but for what? Can someone please tell me what I'm fighting for? I sure as hell don't see a reason. I am mentally ill in more than one way and I can't stand it. I'm sick of fighting a losing battle. I'm sick of falling and falling even deeper into depression. I'm tired of relapsing into everything that I do. I just want it to stop. I don't even know what to say anymore. Sorry I'm so negative.

Shit.

That is how I feel. I feel like pure shit. I want to eat but I won't. I want to purge but I can't. I want to cut but I'm trying not to. I just feel like SHIT. It all started when I went to go exercise. Everything just went downhill from there. I was clawing at my legs and digging my fingernails into my skin. I just don't know what to do. I feel so fat and worthless. I feel weak and disgusting. I feel pathetic and ugly. I feel like a failure. I'm just a negative little person right now. Yeah, I take that back. I'm not little. I'm freaking HUGE. I feel like I'll never be skinny. I feel like I'll always be fat. Why can't I just wave a magic wand and make everything disappear? I want to disappear. I just wish I didn't have to deal with this. I'm miserable. Will I change? No. I'm undeserving. I need to be punished. I am stupid and worthless. I need to prove to people why I should be loved. I need to prove that I am skinny. I need to prove to myself that I can do this. I'm just so confused. Everything's a blur. Someone take this away. Take me away.

Help.

Scale

I did it. Today I bought a scale, my very own scale. It's a Weight Watchers one. I should get it in about 2 weeks. It feels like forever but it'll be okay. I can manage. I think I'm not going to weigh myself until my scale arrives. I know I'm gaining weight like crazy. I just want to see the truth on my new scale. Another great reason for buying my own scale is so I can quit sneaking my grandma's. I'm really scared she's going to catch me one day. I won't have to worry about it anymore though. Once my scale gets here, I'll be in good shape (not literally but I wish). So yeah. Just thought I'd share that with everybody. I'll let you guys know when I get it and what my stats are then. Can't wait!!

Total FAIL!!

So I totally broke my fast yesterday. I was pissed but I kinda had to. My lovely psychiatrist decided to put me on a new medication. It's for anxiety because apparently I "worry too much". When I tried to explain to him that the main cause of my worry was my ED and that a pill wouldn't stop the thoughts, he just ignored me. So now I take some damn BuSpar or whatever the heck it is. I'm supposed to take it with food 3 times a day. It's like seriously? FML!! So on Tuesday (Day 2 of my fast), I took it and I started having dizzy spells. I nearly passed out. That was one of the side effects so I was like ok, maybe it's just the meds. Well it happened throughout the day so I came home from school and took a nap. I thought I was better until I tried to kill a spider (<--that sounds weird but yeah.). My grandma was like ok, you're eating. So that was that. I ate. I lost all control. Then I kinda ended up binging. I binged today too. It was not good. I will not be able to lose 10-12 pounds in 14 days. Well maybe I could but only if I didn't eat that whole time. There's noo way I could get away with that. Especially not with my dizzy spells. The last thing I need is to pass out. So I don't know what I'm going to. All I do know is I have to do something different. I HAVE TO lose this weight. It's not a matter of want. It's a matter of need. Curse this life of mine!

P.S. So have you noticed I start a lot of my sentences with "so"? lol

Day 1

Today was Day 1 of my fast. I feel proud. I feel accomplished. I'm in control now. Food doesn't own me. For once I did something right. I never knew how good not eating would make me feel. I feel empowered. It's like nothing can stop me. It's incredible. I want to always feel this way.
There was a little downside to my fast today. My grandma made me drink this SuperFood juice. It's just a bunch of fruit and healthy stuff mixed into juice. I felt like I was cheating when I drank it. It was probably 200 calories. I feel kinda weak for drinking it but at least it made my grandma shut up. At least she didn't force anything more on me for dinner. Maybe she won't be so hard to escape.
I did just drink some milk. I have to take my pills with milk because I get sick when I take them with just plain water. <-- That's a psych out due to my most recent OD. So the milk (it's vanilla soy milk) was probably 100 cals. So overall 300. I guess that's not too bad. I could do better. I will do better.

Oh and this morning when I weighed in, I was 112. About 2 hours ago, I was 109! I'll see what I am in the morning.

Later. <3

Holy SH!T!

I am not doing well this weekend. I've been on a 5 day binge. Today wasn't horrible but I still ate more than I wanted to. To top off my 6 pound weight gain, I cut. I haven't cut in almost 3 months and today I just decided to say "fuck it" and cut. It really wasn't that simple. I got set off by a food comment made by my great grandma (on my dad's side) about my grandma (on my mom's side). I wasn't planning on cutting. It was when my dad's mom and dad came in to see what was wrong that things went downhill. My dad and grandma invalidated (therapy words 0.o) my feelings so I got really upset and just kinda lost it. I got out a blade from my secret stash and 1-2-3, it was done. So yes, total fail. My mom is quitting her job to move down here with the rest of us. It's just some crazy shit. I can't deal with this. But it doesn't matter. I'm going fast with my pal and I will regain control. I will be strong. I won't be weak. Watch out world..here comes the B!TCH!

Sooo...

I'm still here. *gasp* I know, right? I talked to my mom a lot last night. She is pretty much the only one keeping me here right now. I want to see her just one more time before I kill myself. I should say if I kill myself. I just feel like I'm going crazy. I'm just spiraling down in a haze. It's like I know what's happening but I can't do anything to stop it. I'm trying to keep a stable head but that's impossible with an eating disorder. <-- That's a joke. Eating disorder? Yeah right. I'm not sick enough to have an eating disorder. EDNOS? Yeah, well fuck that! If I'm not anorexic, then there is nothing wrong with me. Sorry for the slight rant.

So onto my intake for the past two days. All I can need to say is BINGE! I wouldn't be surprised to see my weight back up to 110, if not higher. I'm such a failure. I will never lose those pounds. I will never weigh 100 pounds. I will never weigh 85 pounds. I am weak. I am disgusting. I will never be enough. I see all the things I will never be and I think of the things that I am. I'm not happy this way either. I just can't seem to win.

BUT tomorrow is a new day. I'm not going to binge. I'm going to be strong. I will succeed. I will not give up. I am DETERMINED to be skinny. Just watch me. I'll do it. I'm going to prove myself wrong.

I think...

it's time. I'm tired of this. I don't want to live like this anymore. I don't want to live anymore. I am so scared of my thoughts right now. I feel extremely suicidal. I have a plan. I don't even know why I'm typing this. No one will even read it. I'm sure I sound like a total attention whore but I assure you that is not my intention. I just wanted to get this out in an attempt to save my life. I'm not sure what I'm going to do tonight. I'm thinking I might save my plan for another day since I have school tomorrow. I want it to work. I'm sick of being "saved". You want to save me? Yeah, well fuck you! Save me again and you'll be next. (<--That is directed at my family.) I'm just, I'm tired of this. I don't know what to do anymore. I just don't know. Help?

110s no more!!

OMG!! I could not believe my eyes when I stepped on that scale this morning. What did I see? 109!!! I literally screamed "YES!! I did it it!" Thankfully my grandparents weren't home to hear it. lol. I am like ecstatic right now. I just got done with part one of my workout. I'm going to do more today after dinner. I'm trying out Wii Fit Plus. Not really sure how I like it. I've only used it once though so we'll see. But I just can't believe it. I have been trying for a month to get out of the 110s. Now I finally have! It's like progress at last!! I am just so happy right now. I just can't believe it. The weird thing is was I ate like 5 pieces of candy last night. Then again, I had no breakfast and no dinner so I guess that makes up for it. But I could have done better. I need to do better if I want to keep losing the weight.

I really need to lose 10 9 pounds before Thanksgiving. That's three pounds a week. I can do that. I want to look skinny, well skinnier, when I see my mom. I want her to be proud of me for looking good. I want to show her I can do this. I can be strong. I will be strong. Yes, well I hope everyone else is doing good. Until next time!