motherf'in poptarts

In my previous post I said I did good food wise. Well now that's not so true. I ate dinner (which was horribly gross). I have no idea how many calories but surely not more than 200. Then I ate a Peepster (32) and a Hershey Kiss (~23) and some Nerds (60). Then I decided to blow it and eat some Pop-tarts (400). fuck fuck fuck a duck!! I also drank some soy milk (~50) and some Crystal Lite water (10). Now I really am a fat ass. Grand total of calories: 1225!! >.< GRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!! I am pissed off. I also didn't have a chance to burn off any more calories because I was busy doing school work. Fucking monkeys!!
So that's really all for my day. Just thougth I'd do a food update. Oh and I guess I owe you positives.

Positives:
-I exercised.
-My friend went back to college today.
-I had a good session.
-I did some homework.

I guess that's it.

1.5

miles that is. I ran probably 1-1.2 miles of it so that's good. I did get a bit tired but I kept pushing on. :) I still feel like it wasn't enough but I was breathing so hard I didn't think I could keep going. I'm so out of shape. 0.o
Session was good today, not as intense as the past couple of sessions. My therapist wanted to take it easy on me, especially since I told her I was having urges in session last time. We still talked about some tough stuff. I revealed even more embarrassing things about me. I swear she probably thinks I'm a freak. I don't know..probably not really. I mean she's been very open and not judgmental so I'm sure she doesn't really care. I think she's just glad I'm being open and honest with her. This is the most in-depth I've gotten with any therapist I've ever seen. That is huge. She knows more about me than even my best friend and my best friend knows a lot. But it's a good thing. I'm making progress. I'm finding her assignments to be very hard. I'm very judgmental. That's hard to break. I've put so many labels on myself and so many judgments that I can't seem to get rid of. It's really not good. My assignment is back to my original assignment of writing a letter of apology to myself. She wants it to be understanding and forgiving (obviously). I don't think I can do it. It's not that I won't try. It's just that so far all my assignments turn out to not work ass planned. I go into emotion mind and judge myself. I was even judgmental in third person! I tried really hard not to be but I couldn't break it. =/ Hopefully I can make some improvements and push forward in the process of forgiving myself. It's going to be one hell of a hill mountain to climb.
Okay, enough therapy chat.
My day has been good so far other than the mentioned stuff.
I read 1.5 chapters for my intro class. :)
I've barely eaten anything (450 calories). =)
I do have some not so good news..my friend told me she's quitting therapy. I'm not thinking that's a good idea seeing as she's really unstable right now. I know one of the last times I tried quitting therapy I laid down in the middle of the street to try to kill myself. Not that she's going to do that but still. Just saying it's a really bad idea. I want to talk her out of it but she is 20 and can make her own decisions. Who am I to stop her? Does anyone have any advice for me on how to get her to continue therapy? I plan on telling her my own personal experiences but I don't know if that's enough. Probably not. She seems like she's made up her mind. I just want the best for her and this is definitely not what's best. =(
I just calculated how many calories I burned from running: 116. That is not very good. Maybe I'll work out again tonight. I'm in a fat mood right now. =( Seeing that I ate 450 calories now seems like so much when just a few minutes ago it felt so good. =( Poop.
Okay, this has been really long, one of the longest I've had in awhile, so I'll go now. Thanks for reading!

homework fail

I have three chapters to read for my test on Friday and I'm still not finished with the first one!! FAIL!! I also need to answer my biology lab questions and do four sections of math homework. Way to stay on top of it Amber..NOT!!
I'm feeling a bit better I suppose. I still feel fat. I ended up eating three Tootsie Pop Drops (45) and drinking a sweet tea from the gas station (~90). So total for today: 875 calories. Way better than yesterday. Could be better though.
Good news though..I got a 94% on my biology test!!! Do you know what that means?? It means I have an A in the class!!! Woooooooooo-hooooooooooooo!!!! It's a 90.6% to be exact. I'm waaaaaaay excited!! (in case you couldn't tell by all the exclamation points. hehe) =D x 938492349329589
Umm I went for a quick run. It was only a mile and I didn't have a chance to go on my second run because my mom got home to late. Oh well. It was exercise at least. Better than I have been doing. :)
I don't know. I guess that's it.
Oh wait! My friend is starting college (again) tomorrow. She says it's going to make or break her. I prefer the first option. She also told me that they've (her group home) been talking about sending her back to the hospital. I hope not but if that's what she needs, then so be it. I just want her to be safe.
Okay, that's really it. Night lovelies!

Positives:
-I got a 94% on my biology test!! :)
-I now have an A in my biology class!! =D
-Not eating more than what I ate this afternoon.
-I got out and exercised.
-My buddy is going back to school. :)

it's a

fat day, a big gross totallydisgusting fat day. I have eaten like a pig. It would have been okay had I not felt nauseous this morning and had to eat. (I really don't understand why not eating makes me nauseous sometimes) Then after my biology class, I bought a Snickers bar (280)! It's like what the FUCK? Why would you do that? I proceeded to eat it before entering my next class. Came home and what did I do? I ate a bowl of cereal (160). Then I decided that wasn't enough so I had some strawberry dessert thing from Easter (it was probably bad but it still tasted okay so who knows?). I have no clue how many calories were in that so I'll say 200. fucking fat ass! This was supposed to be a good day. Tuesdays/Thursdays are supposed to be my days where I only eat a 90-100 calorie snack and then dinner. But did I do that today? No. Why? Because I'm a fat ass. So right now I'm feeling like shit. I can't wait to go for a run tonight with my mom. Maybe I should go on two. Yeah, I think I'll do one now. Later.

hi!

Sooo I lost .4 pounds this morning. Don't know how I swung that but hey, I'll take it. :)
Skipped breakfast.
Went to school. We talked about the truth about gangs in Criminology for a girl's presentation. I bet she just wanted the teacher to shut up so she could be done. But nope, he just kept on asking questions. lol. Sucked for her. It was kinda interesting though. Gangs are scary stuff. Don't get involved in one.
Went to out to lunch before group. Wendy's chicken go wrap (260) and a medium sweet tea (140). Then we went to a frozen yogurt place. I had 6.1 oz of frozen yogurt. 0.o That was approximately 175 calories.
Went to group. I hate group..with a passion. The people never shut up and I don't like the way the leader teaches us. Grrrrrr x 935993457934759475!
I had a session with my psychiatrist two hours after group got out so we had some time to kill. We went to the mall and bought cookies from Panera Bread. I had an oatmeal raisin cookie (370). We walked around Barnes and Noble for awhile. Then we left for my session.
The session went well. My psychiatrist actually offered to take me off one of my meds but I said I wanted to stay on it. I don't want to mess with my good mood. Plus, summer is coming up and I don't have as much structure. I don't do well without structure. He understood. He also thought I was doing so well that he decided to push out my session six weeks instead of four. Woot! Go me!
We had an endless amount of errands to run once that was over. My grandparents fought about where the bank was. We drove backwards(not literally!!) just to turn around and drive back to our needed location: the grocery store. It took us forever in the grocery store. We bought $215 worth of groceries. Fucking ridiculous.
Dinner was too much, waaaay too much. I had a turkey burger with cheese and condiments (160 + 110 + 45 + 20 = 335), aspargus with cheese (~80), and corn on the cob (~115). Holy shit that's a lot of food. 530 calories total for dinner. fatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfat Total calories for the day = 1475!! What the fuck is wrong with me?! I obviously want to get fat. Two days over 1000? That is just too much. That is very unacceptable. I hate having to eat with my grandparents. I wish I lived by myself so I could just not buy food and not have to worry about it. Fucking monkeys!
Enough about that...
My friend is feeling suicidal again. I'm really worried about her. She says she is being more open with me but she's really not. I get the whole after-it-happens notifications. I don't want to text her one day to find out she's gone without her saying good-bye. I really wish she would talk to me. I mean really talk to me. I don't even know what's wrong. I feel like she doesn't trust me. What more can I do? What can I say to make her better? I just want to help but instead I feel so helpless. I don't know what to do.
My race is in less than three weeks!! 0.o Yikes! I'm so not ready. I'm still way out of shape. It's only a 5k(3.3 miles) but still. I want to complete it in an hour or less.That's 1.1 miles every 20 minutes. I should be able to handle that. It also depends on if I run with my mom or not. If I ditch her (that sounds so mean!), maybe I'll go faster. Who knows? The race is the 21st of this month. Oh boy! I'm actually kind of excited. :) This is a big deal for me. I've never done a race before. It'll be cool. :)
Okay, well I'm tired and it's getting late. Blogs have still not been read. I will try my hardest to get them read tomorrow. Good night loves!

Positives:
-I lost .4 pounds.
-I went to group even though I hate it.
-I enjoyed the cookie.
-My session with my psychiatrist went well.
-My psychiatrist sees improvement. :)
-My race is coming up!!

yet another game

only this time, they lost. :( My cousin's team did really well though. They played their hardest. Good job Blazers!!
Other than that, my day was uneventful. I folded my laundry, worked on my math homework, and played on the computer. Ever so exciting. lol just kidding.
My friend isn't doing well. I'm worried about her. I want her to feel better. Now I know how she felt when I was all depressed and not doing well. She ended up burning herself last night. I wish she would have talked to me. I offered to talk to her but she just refused, saying she was going to bed. I don't consider burning yourself going to bed. Oh well. The damage is done. I just hope she can pull it together for the summer. If she's not stable, my grandma won't let her come and stay with us. That would make me very sad. :(
Food today was not great but it wasn't totally horrible.
Breakfast:
1.5 biscuits-270 cals
condiments for biscuits~70 cals
Dinner:
potato thing-180 cals
4 oz chicken-163 cals
little bits of lettuce and tomoato~20 cals
Dessert:
remaining bit of chocolate bunny-170 cals
Drinks:
vanilla soy milk~50 cals
hot chocolate~120 cals
flavored water-10 cals
Grand Total = 1053 calories
That is actually way worse than I thought. fuck a duck. That would explain why I gained 2.2 pounds of food weight. Grrr. I was hoping to stay under 1000 calories. I should have really been under 750 but instead I pigged out. Oh well. The damage has been done and it wasn't horrible horrible. I will do better tomorrow.
My sunburn still hurts..really bad. Owie. :(
Okay, well that's enough of my complaining. School tomorrow morning. Got to wake up early so good night!!

Positives:
-I slept in.
-I folded my laundry.

Happy May!

Here it is, the first day of May. Can you believe four months have gone by already this year? F'ing crazy I'm telling ya. As you saw (or maybe haven't seen yet), I posted my goals for May last night. I'm ready for this month. It's going to be good. April was pretty good. I want the good to continue. So here I go, starting my journey through yet another month.
Less than three weeks til school's out. :)
A month until the pool opens.
Nervous? Yes.
Can I get through this month without any major problems? Yes...hopefully.
Will I lose weight? I sure as hell hope so.
Oh that reminds me. I weighed in this morning at 107.6. :) I am back on track.
I can do this. So can you!