Monday, December 3, 2012

Titles are lame

That super awesome moment when an accidental lapse turns into an intentional relapse. Oops. lol no. It's not an oops anymore. It's me being a dumbass because well I am just being dumb.
My accidental lapse happened because I was dealing with my grandma being in the hospital and having to watch my great grandma who was close to dying. The stress of all that made it very hard to eat. When I did eat, I felt like I was going to throw up which does not help when also having purging urges. Then when I realized I was losing weight, I was like "yeah, let's keep it up" because that is clearly the smart thing to do.
I knew I hadn't fully conquered my eating disorder (lol yeah ok) but I was not aware that it was still as controlling as it is. It's been rearing its head a lot more lately. It started before Thanksgiving. I think that was when my great grandma really started to decline. That's also around the time I found out about my uncle being an idiot. I thought I had it under control. Clearly not as I'm now purposely not eating which is dumber than dumb because almost passing out while driving is a great idea. No. My sister was in the car with me. That would have been fun to explain.
I need to force myself to eat but I really just don't want to. The longer you go without eating, the easier it gets  not to and the harder it gets to actually eat.
This is when I need to focus on why I need to eat. I need the fuel for my body. I need energy to watch my nephew because passing out while carrying him up the stairs would be fun to explain as well. I need to be alert when driving. I can't really think of why else I need to eat. Food, who needs it? (There is a ton of sarcasm in this post)
I need to get my shit together because I can't really afford for things to fall apart. I don't even know why I'm posting this. I don't think anyone even reads this anymore and it's been months since I last posted. I just don't feel like my recovery tumblr is the right place for it and my main tumblr is no longer disorder related. So I post it here where it is likely to never be read but oh who cares? Not like any of you can tell me anything I don't already know.
Also I forgot to mention this earlier, my great grandma passed away on Saturday. Her death is making it even harder to eat. no that's just an excuse but hey won't it be awesome when i go into therapy for the first time in 3 weeks and my therapist goes "wow, you look great" because obviously she will say that.
Hey brain. It's time to stop being disordered. I'm done with that.
I was going to say something else, but this isn't the best post for it so another post shall be made later.

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