Save Me From Me

I feel the water rise against me
Slowly drowning in the tide
Praying to be rescued
But when help comes, I hide
I long to be free
But I never catch a break
I think it's because when I get the chance
It's one I do not take
I'm scared I'll be here forever
In this crazy messed up world
Fighting for what, I do not know
I'm one confused little girl
I try to think positive
But the negatives seem more real
I try to ignore them
But it's hard when that's how I feel
I don't know where I am going
I don't know where I am
I'm lost, alone, confused, and scared
I don't know who I am
Just wanting to find solace
In the arms of one I love
But the arms I'm surrounded by
Will never be enough
I'm drowning ever so slowly
In this sea of my tears
Consumed by the darkness
Consumed by my fears
Want to escape
Want to break free
Someone, anyone
Save me from me

Happy Birthday...

to me!!! :P Yes, it's my birthday today. I turned 19. It's mixed feelings but I'm trying to be positive. Last night I got the best birthday surprise ever. My best friend from Michigan flew down to see me and stay for the weekend!! I was so excited when I saw her that I screamed! :D So I won't be on for a few days seeing as I'll be with her. Love you guys!

do you remember...

my last plan?
my last overdose?
the last time I said I was suicidal?
I do.
It's the same as now.
I had that same plan today.
More pills readily available to take.
I shouldn't take them.
How tempting it is.
"What good would that do?"
Maybe it would kill me.
Please let it kill me.
I just want to lay down to go to sleep and never wake up.
I have the choice.
It's as simple as take the pills or don't.
But really, it's not that simple.
I want to die.
I don't want to go to the hospital.
Does it hurt much to die?
Please let me die.
Kill me.

Letter From Suicide

Hello little one
Are you feeling lost?
Are you all alone?
A miserable lost cause
Come talk to me
I won't let you down
I'll be your friend
When your other friends aren't around
I know your pain
It's one you should not feel
No one should have to hurt
So I'll make you a deal
Give me your soul
And I'll set you free
I'll give you an escape
No more misery
Just take your life
And all will be fine
I'm suicide, I'll save you
Please don't start crying
Don't you see I'm the answer
To all your pain?
I'm your way out
You think I'm insane
But really it's true
I'm the answer to your prayers
No one will miss you
Because no one cares
But I'm here for you
Whenever you need a hand
I'm always here
Because only I understand
So don't listen to them
Listen to me
They don't make you better
They only hurt you, can't you see?
With me you won't feel anything
The bad will no longer be
You'll be happier than you've ever been
Because with me, you're free
So take me up on my offer
It's one you won't regret
I welcome you with open arms
Welcome home my pet

events of yesterday

went to group.
almost passed out at group.
forced to drink protein shake.
after group, went to wendy's.
cue internal battle.
driving back to the highway.
stopped at stop sign.
get rear-ended.
driver drives off.
i get his license plate info.
call cops.
neck and head hurt.
want to sleep on the way home.
everyone says not to.
they say i could possibly have a concussion.
go to ER.
there for three hours.
get x-rayed.
nothing major.
neck and back sprain.
my grandpa has the same.
IHOP for dinner.
the end of a very long day.
best night's sleep in a long time.
that's what happens when you get one hour of sleep in 36 hours.

today was better.
eat. play on computer. sleep. eat. play on computer. and now sleep.

green tea pills and diuretics

should not be mixed.
too late for that.
i went to the store at 9 am to buy them.
FUCK. THAT.
took three green tea pills at 10.
took the recommended dose of diuretics at 2:15.
cue heart pangs and chest pain.
cue freaking out.
cue messed up breathing.
it. was. SCARY.
will i do it again?
yes.
why?
because i'm fucked up.

what to say?

i hate this.
i fucking hate this.
i hate me.
i hate her.
that's a lie.
i don't hate her.
i just hate the things she says.
i just hate the things she does.
kinda sounds like i hate her.
"you are beautiful" = don't eat it or you'll get fat.
fuck you.
did you hear me?
i said FUCK YOU.
like i don't struggle enough with wanting to starve.
like i don't fucking struggle enough with eating unhealthy foods.
FUCK. YOU.
i hate this.
i fucking hate this.
i hate myself.
fat pig.
disgusting.
fat bitch.
moody.
crazy.
ugly.
fat.
fat.
did i mention fat?
lose the fucking weight already!
go to the store and fucking buy the diet pills.
you need them.
do you want to be fat forever?
fuck recovery.
you were never in it anyways.
i fucking hate you!!
die fat bitch.
choke on your own food.
fat fat fat.
fucking die already.

I am weak.

I cannot do this.
I am not strong.
I am scared.
I am not here
but I am here.
I am not alive,
merely existing.
This is not life.
Want to lose.
Sick of the gain.
Sick of the game.
Sick of myself.
So much for a new month.
Soon it'll be a new birth year.
Whoop-de-fucking-do.
Cannot do this.
Do not want to do this.
fuck fuck fuck.
What am I going to do?
I am scared.
Too much pressure.
Too much stress.
Too much weight.
Too much.
Too much.
Too much.
Just make it stop.

I think I'm going to try.

twirling, spinning, running in circles.
so confused.
all alone.
just want it to stop.
heart beating, racing.
please stop for i don't want to be alive.
slow down.
slower
and
slower
til you no longer beat.
kill me heart beat.
cease to be.
make me as dead as i feel inside.
my head is clouded.
can't see straight.
i should take them.
i know i should take them.
what's stopping me?
really, what is stopping me?

Pain

I crave to feel you daily
Searching to find a way
Wanting your soothing presence
Praying you’ll come one day to stay
Trying hard to find you
Always succeeding in the end
To most you are an enemy
But to me you are a friend
You never let me down
Easily pulling through
My life would have been so empty
Had it not been filled with you

old poem

My silent cries for help
Have yet to be observed
Screaming from my soul
Although it's never heard
Tears roll down my cheeks
Blood drips from my arms
I'm fading into darkness
I have cause myself this harm
So tired of all the yelling
Sick of all the fights
Wanting everything to end
It's taking all my might
Not giving in
To the monsters in my mind
But I'm weakening inside
Slowly over time
Ashamed for all my actions
Regretting all my thoughts
Faking all my feelings
Everything is just a plot
Nothing I do is real
Don't believe a word I say
Pretending to be different
Helps keep everyone away
Falling into pieces
Drifting farther and farther apart
Can't deal with all my suffering
Life is tearing away at my heart
Not wanting to let people down
Although it's too late for that
Maybe I can make it through
But right now all I see is black
The demons I must face
Are beginning to close on in
Scared with nowhere to go
Death is looking like a friend
I'm slipping out of grasp
Soon there will be no more chance
To retrieve me from this hell
You better take a second glance
Does no one see through my lies?
My mask must be too convincing