goals

Thanks everyone for standing by me in my darkest times. I know I've been a real mess lately and I'm sorry for putting you through all the worry. I know that I'm still going to struggle. I also know that there will be a day some time in the future when I will want to take those pills that I have saved. I know the best thing to do is get rid of them, but right now, I'm not quite ready to take that step. But you have my word that until school lets out for the summer, I will not take them. I promise.
So how was today (besides inspiring)? It was good for the most part. I took a test that I'm feeling pretty good about. I went for a two mile walk/run. I got through a very strong urge without purging. =) These are the positives. I want to focus on them. There were some bad moments, well maybe bad is too extreme a word, more like not good moments, but I got through them the best I could.
I'm still struggling with my friend. We aren't "fighting" anymore but I wouldn't exactly say we are on solid ground either. She texted me several times today and each time I made an excuse (although it was legitimate every time) not to talk to her. She messaged me on facebook a few different times. She still has yet to explain to me what she needs to say. All she's really said is she's glad I'm not going to kill myself, I made her feel horrible and cry herself to sleep at night, and she wasn't encouraging me. Right. Enough of her. I want to
keep this post positive.
I want to set goals for this month. I think goals will help keep me on track and help me to stay focused on the positive in life. I think setting goals will give me something to live for. I need that. So I will break them down into weekly and monthly goals.

This week's goals (4/1/11-4/8/11):
1.Clean the house for my grandparents. (Saturday)
2.Go to the Royals game. (Sunday)
3.Tell my therapist my commitments to living and group. (Monday)
4.Do my presentation in Criminology.
5.Finish Get Me Out Of Here.
6.Make a list of 25 things I want to do before I die.

Monthly Goals  (4/1/11-4/30/11):
1.Blog something positive every day.
2.Exercise 5 times a week.
3.Read chapters as we study them (not the day before the test!).
4.Read three books (outside of school).
5.Stay cut, purge, and suicide attempt free.
6.Start/go to group.
7.Be honest.

I think that's a good start. I'm going to make April a good month.

"Today is the first day of the rest of my life."

inspiration?

Today feels different. I don't know what hit me. It's just like BAM! These feelings of hope and wanting to live came over me. I don't know what happened. I think it's because I made the decision that I was going to live out this semester. I decided I was going to fight, if only for two more months. Today feels good and I like it. I told my therapist I had good news for her on Monday. Want to know the good news? I'm going to give my word to take suicide off the table for two months. Suicide is off the table until I'm out of school for the summer. What happens after that, I don't know but for now, I am willing to live. I am also going to inform her that I will go to group. That is huge for me. I figure if I'm going to live for two months, I might as well try to get something out of them. I will be giving therapy a renewed chance. It's going to be scary but I'm going to live, not just survive. I'm going to "fight to live instead of fight to die". Here's a poem I wrote earlier today. I think you'll like it.

Taking My Life
This fear consumes me
But it's not your average fear
It's not death I'm scared of
It's continuing to live here
(here on Earth that is)
Living scares me greatly
I don't like how it makes me feel
Half the time I'm in delusions
Convinced this life isn't real
So scared of the pain
So scared of the hurt
Not able to handle these feelings
Want to feel better but nothing works
I can't stand the uncertainty
Of what is yet to come
I only know one thing
Living, I'm coming undone
I know what's right
I know what's wrong
But it's impossible to live
I'm just not that strong
I'm just so scared
I'm not sure what to choose
Live or attempt to die?
Feels like either way I lose
Just want to feel better
Maybe then I'll want to live
I'm just hesitant
What if life has nothing to give?
I'm taking a leap of faith
I'm not taking my life tonight
I'll give life one more chance
I'm up for one more fight
So today I'll face my fears
And the day after that
Living as best as I can
Taking my life back.

you know what..

I'm not killing myself this weekend. No, I have plans that I fully intend on keeping. I want to go to a baseball game with my grandparents this weekend. I want to find out how I did on my math and biology tests. I want to finish the school semester. I don't care what she said to me. I just got done typing her a very very very long message on facebook pretty much telling her how I'm feeling about her role in all of this. I told her I don't understand how she promised she wouldn't tell, then she said I had til Sunday, and then today said she might even tell before then. I don't understand why she is encouraging me to kill myself and if I don't try to, she'll tell. I don't understand why she told me tonight that I should try to kill myself today because then she wouldn't really know about it. I expressed my feelings of regret for telling her and putting her in this situation. I got mad and told her that I never wanted to tell her. She was the one begging for information. Begging might even be too kind of a word. I think harrassing would be better. Now that she knows, she can't handle it, which I feared would be the case. She expressed to me tonight that she had been cutting and burning herself because of this situation. I had no clue. She told me tonight "Sorry, I'm so sorry." I thought she had told so I got mad. Then she informed me that it didn't affect me. I freaked out thinking she had told. That's when she told me she had cut and burned herself. I had no clue. She was acting like I've known it all along, when in reality, I just found out with the last text I received from her. When I came home, I saw she had messaged me saying that I "seem to think that we aren't good for each other" and that I want to end our friendship. She said "if you want me out, I'm gone. Bye buddy." It's like what the fuck? I never said that. I may be thinking that but I never said that to her. I only told her that if she told my mom, our friendship would be over. I told her that I can't trust her because all she has been doing is lying and breaking promises. Best friend? No. I don't know what's going to happen between us. I hope that she doesn't tell. It wouldn't make since to tell because I expressed to her that I want to wait til the end of the semester. That's two months! But I don't see what difference it makes. If she tells, she tells. Maybe it's best we end it anyways. I don't know. Right now I'm so confused but I am trying to make sense of things. I'm not going to kill myself because she says I have to. I really hope though, if she tells that she tells exactly what she was saying and telling me to do. I'm not the only bad guy and I told her that. But for now, I am living.

soooo

I kinda maybe just a little bit freaked out earlier. My friend had simply fallen asleep. She hadn't told my mom. She hadn't told my friend any numbers. I wish I could say I felt relief, but no, I felt worse. The panic continued. Why did I tell her? She just wants me to tell her when I'm trying to kill myself so she can tell my mom and get me hospitalized. I can't trust her. I can't trust anyone. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I'm so fucking stupid. What the fuck did I just do? I was crying and hyperventilating. I was having a panic attack. Then she says it, "if you haven't overdosed by Sunday, I'm telling your mom." I was like WHAT THE FUCK?!! She lied to me. She promised she wouldn't tell. I asked her if she wanted me dead. Why would she do this to me? I can't believe her. I told her if she told "I swear to God I will never talk to you again". And I honestly believe that I wouldn't...at least not for awhile, not while I'm in this mindset. So it's Friday or it's never. Friday it is. I don't want to do it on Friday. I was making plans with my grandma for Sunday to see the Royals (KC's baseball team). It makes me sad. I don't know why I even bother. I know I'm going to live. I'm fucking invincible. I don't care what people tell me. I am invincible. So yeah. I guess Friday will be my last post for awhile or possibly forever if I'm (un?)lucky. I am just so mad that I broke down and told her. Me telling her was like me saying "yes, please help me. I want to live." When in all reality it's like "I fucking hate my life. I'm a monster. I deserve to die and rot in hell." Fucking monkeys. I feel like shit. I don't want to OD this weekend but I refuse to have my mom find out about the pills before I've taken them. I will not have just wasted over $30 worth of pills. No. I have no choice but to try (once again) this weekend. I am sorry for letting you down. But rest assured, I will probably live.
~~~~~
School was good today. I almost volunteered to do my presentation but I got too scared. I'll have to do it Friday for sure.
I went for a 2 mile run today. It felt nice even though the temperature was pretty chilly.
I ate like a pig. I had two mini binges. I ate a yogurt for breakfast (100), cereal for lunch (160), binge #1 was 3 Ho Hos (370), binge #2 was chips and salsa (350). That is way too much, almost 1000 calories. Fat pig.
Today I said I would post my weight. I weigh 105.6 pounds. I've lost 2.8 pounds in 2 days. Fucking awesome. More like not enough.
Well I'm tired as hell. It's been a rough night. I get to sleep in tomorrow. Woo-hoo. *eye roll* Sleep well loves.

fucking paranoid

I think my best friend is telling on me. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I know that's what she should be doing but I swear to God if that's what she is doing, I will never EVER talk to her again. Besides maybe to say FUCK YOU BITCH! I don't know why she would tell. She's been encouraging me this whole time. Second thoughts maybe? I don't know and I don't care. All I know is I am freaking the FUCK out! She told me I had someone asking about me and how to get in touch with me and my family. It's like shit shit shit shit shit. I'm going crazy here. I'm not going to take the pills tonight though. I'm not going to be rash because if she is telling on me, if the person who was asking about me gets my mom's number, I don't want to give them a solid reason to put me in the hospital. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

EDIT: She's on.

pills...again

Today I was bad. Today I went and bought two boxes of Triple C and 1 box of Tylenol PM. What the fuck is wrong with me? I don't know if I'm going to overdose on Friday or not. There's a part of me that wants to wait until after the semester is over. I'm scared that I'll live and be forced to stay in the hospital for a long time. I don't want to have to drop out of school. So I'm sure this is when you say "if school is so important, why not live for that?". And here's my response: I don't want to live for something that will eventually go away. I don't want to live for something I'm good at. I want to live because I enjoy life (which I don't). I don't know. My friend is kind of encouraging me to do it on Friday. I just don't want to risk losing school. It's like if I'm going to live, I'm going to be in school. Without school, I am nothing. A hospital will do me no good. It will only make me even more crazy and even more wanting to kill myself. It is bad. Bad bad bad. Why am I like this? I just want to die.
I'm reading 23 Minutes in Hell by Bill Wiese. I'm reading it to see what it will be like when I die and go to hell. That's where I think I'll go if I die by suicide. I believe suicide is the ultimate sin. I don't think it matters that I believe in God. I also think that my anger towards God is another reason why I'd go to hell. But who knows? Maybe I won't go to hell. I just think it's where I belong.
School was good. No, school was great. I extracted my DNA and am now wearing it around my neck on a necklace!! Super cool! Man, I sound like a nerd. Oh wells. Took my biology test. That went well I think. I find out how I did on my math test on Thursday. 0.o Anxious on that one.
So yeah. I don't really know what all is going on.
Food today was good. I had a Special K bar (90), a yogurt (100), some southwestern goulash (~300), Skinny Cow ice cream (150), and two slices of cantaloupe. So probably at max 750 cals. Not too bad. I managed to lose 1.4 pounds from yesterday to today. Woot. I guess that's good. I'm still much to fat. I'll post my weight again tomorrow.
Until then, good night!

miss no way it's all good

That's what I want people to believe. Really, the truth is so obvious a blind person could see it. I'm fucking suicidal. Therapy was shit today. Dad kicked me out again. I fucking hate it when he does that. It's MY fucking session so don't kick me out of it. Asshole. You would think he would remember one of the last times he kicked me out. I ran away and overdosed. What a dick. I hate my dad.
Food was shit again today. I ate like I was normal. I am not normal. I am fat. I weighed 108.4 this morning after a two day binge. That is no acceptable. I'm sure I'll have gained again tomorrow. I don't know why I am doing this. I plan on acting on my plan this Friday or Saturday. I don't want the people who take me away to think I'm fat bitch (even though we all know I am). I can't believe that I haven't lost any weight this month.
fat pathetic bitch. unworthy of good. deserving of punishment. deserving of death. failure. disgusting. mess. pig. ugly. crazy. die die die.
I made a CD for my friend. It's positive. 0.o It's kind of a farewell present. She deserves so much more.
I can't believe it's 9 pm and I am almost ready for bed. Just have to check facebook and then time for shut eye! Hopefully my alarm clock works tomorrow. Good night.