poem

Lifeless
Black and white
Lying there just waiting to die.

Pale reflection
Shadowed eyes
Just wants to get some sleep tonight.

Frozen skin
Hands turned blue
Dying is the thing to do.

All regret
Fills her mind
If only she could relive her life.

Wasted
She wasted away
All because of what she weighed.

No food
Makes her look good
Her bones sticking out like she thinks they should.

Heart slowing
Breathing labored
All she wanted was to be the favorite.

Now she's empty
Dead and gone
Anorexic for too long.

I feel...

like a failure. I don't feel like I'm making any progress in losing weight. If anything, I'm gaining weight. Ugh. I hate myself and my lack of self-control. I'm always eating and shoving food down my throat. Then I wonder why I'm fat. This is just so stupid. I don't even feel like I have an eating disorder half of the time. Sure all I ever think about is food and my body and my weight. Sure I obsess over calories and over exercise but does that really mean I have an eating disorder? No. I don't think so. My therapist and my family would beg to differ. I honestly believe that I can't have an eating disorder until I'm underweight. I can't have an eating disorder until my BMI is below 17.5 or until I weigh less than 100 pounds. I feel as if I'll never get there. I'll never be skinny. I'll always be FAT!! I'm sick of always wanting to be something that I know I can never be. Why won't people just let me do what I want? Why can't they just let me be who I want to be? Why do they get to control me? I have NO control! It's all I want..to be in control. Wouldn't that be nice for a change? I feel like I'm freaking losing my mind. I'm spiraling downwards and I'm too scared to ask for help. But when it comes to my "eating disorder", I don't want to ask for help. To me, help equals fat. My mom and grandma keep telling me that I won't get fat. I can just maintain but I think they are lying. They want me to be fat. They don't want me to be skinny. They don't want me to be happy. They never have. My whole life I've felt like shit. It's all because of them! My dad abused me. He called me names. He called me FAT! I didn't just become crazy for no good reason. But does anyone believe me? NO! Why the hell not?! NO one listens to me when I try to tell them about what happened with my dad. They just laugh it off and push it aside. I guess maybe I am crazy after all. I don't even know right now. All I know is I feel like I've lost it. I think I've jumped off the deep end. Where am I going with all this? I don't know. Sorry for the rant.

I've just spent 10 minutes crying because I feel so fat. I feel disgusting. I feel miserable. I feel depressed and borderline suicidal. I'm trying to be okay. I have to be okay. I can't be freaking out all the time even if it is just in my head. I'm freaking out about my body and my weight and what I ate all day. I know it's too much. I'm too much. I just fucking want to die. I just want all of this to stop. I don't want to feel like this anymore. Not losing weight is killing but losing weight is killing me too. I don't know what to do anymore. I want to be happy. I want to be beautiful and pretty and skinny. That's just the thing. I know I never will be. People keep telling me I'm so skinny. It makes me so mad. If I'm so damn skinny, then why the hell don't I see it? It's my freaking body! I want to see the changes! It's not fair. Everyone says I look so thin and tiny. My dad says I look underweight. I just want to see it. Why can't I see it? Fuck you body dysmorphic disorder! Fuck everything! I'm sick of this battle. I feel like cutting and taking a bunch of pills. I don't feel like I have anyone I can talk to. I'm scared to reach out. I'm supposed to be recovered from depression. People don't know how bad it's getting. I'm slipping and I'm slipping fast. They don't know the horrible thoughts in my head. I have plans..suicidal plans. I'm saving up money for a gun. I'm half way there. I just need a job. I need money to make my pain go away. Maybe I'll steal some more pills and overdose. I want to die. I want to be done with all of this. Someone save me..from myself.

Cider doughnuts

Can we say I'm a total fat ass? Yes I think we can. I  had 4 cider doughnuts in just one day!! Talk about a pig. Then I ate like crazy the rest of the day too. UGH!! I'm so fucking gross!! Excuse the language. I'm just totally disgusted in myself. I weighed 110 this morning. I guess that's good since my weight has been yo-yoing for like the past two weeks. Curse my body and it's cycle. It probably doesn't help that I just got off my period. Hopefully now I'll get rid of some water weight. I wish I didn't have to worry about my period. It's a waste of time. I'm not have kids anyways. No need to screw up anyone else. FML.
Short post. XD

"You look underweight"

It's like "Excuse me? Say what?" Let me rewind a little. I was talking to my dad this morning in the car on the way to school. We got onto the subject of my "eating disorder". He was telling me how my body dismorphic disorder is really messing with my head. My grandma had told him that she found a tape measure in my room. My dad said he knew what was going on. I was just sitting there thinking that he had no idea. He told me he knew I was obsessing over calories and exercising. He said he can tell that I've lost a lot of weight. I told him I don't see any difference. He said that's my bdd. Then we got onto the topic of my thighs. Now I hate my thighs with a passion so this was kinda a touchy subject. He was saying that I'm not really going to lose any fat from my thighs because it's mainly muscle. I said "yeah, well I need to lose fat from my stomach. I know I have fat there." My dad just shook his head. He said, "Your waist is so tiny, I could wrap my hands around it and have my fingers touch." It was my turn to shake my head in disbelief. There is no way, absolutely NO WAY, that I am that skinny. What is he seeing that I don't see. To me, I look the same as I did 10 pounds ago. I want to look skinny. If he says I am but I don't see it, how long will it be til I do? I just want to be pretty. I just want to be thin. Why can't I see what other people see?

Spinning

"And the world is spinning and she keeps on winning, but tell me, what happens when it stops?"

I don't want my world to spin, at least not in a downward spiral. I know right now I'm pretty stable emotionally (yay!) but physically, I am dizzy as hell. My eye sight is swimming. My head is going round in circles. Someone catch me when I fall and I think I'm falling fast.
I don't know why I'm feeling like this. I didn't restrict horribly today. I ate somewhat healthy. I mean I had a baked potato (not the best choice but it's what grandma made) for lunch. I had a bbq pulled chicken sandwich for dinner. I had some grapes and a really yummy cookie. I went for a walk with my grandma. It was a typical run-of-the-mill day. Well except for how many times I went to the bathroom *ahem number two*. <--Sorry TMI. So I really have no clue why I'm feeling like this. Perhaps I just need some sleep. That is where I'm off to now. Good night world.

Totally Triggered

I was watching Law and Order: SVU tonight with my grandma. Seemingly no problem, right? Wrong. It was all going good until I see one of the detectives pass out. Seeing people pass out makes me feel funny. I don't know why. In a way I think it's because I'm jealous? I don't know if "jealous" is the right word but I don't know how else to describe it. When I see someone pass out, I wish it would be me. I have a strange obsession with passing out. I actually like to pass out even though I rarely do. I think I might be an attention whore. 0.o Anyways, there's more to the story. So it's the end of the show and I'm kinda getting the feeling of I know what's going to happen next. And what do you know, it does! The girl eats the poisonous mushrooms. She wakes up in a hospital bed after having her stomach pumped. She looked all around confused and scared. I know that feeling. I've been there before. She wanted to die and they saved her. It's the same story of my life. Well except for the fact that I don't eat poisonous 'shrooms to die. I just OD. Yeah, so I don't know. Just thought I'd share the fact that I am totally feeling suicidal at this time. Stupid triggers. It'll pass though once I peacefully go to sleep.

Pictures Don't Lie

So in the course of three days I gained 6 pounds. I lost roughly 1-2 today. I feel like a total fat ass. I am just so frustrated right now. I was talking to my psychiatrist today and was telling him I don't feel like I have an eating disorder because I'm not underweight. I'm still fat. I try to express how I feel to my grandma but she just keeps forcing lies down my throat telling me I'm skinny and other girls would die to look like me. Is she fucking blind?! What the hell is she seeing that I don't? A past therapist diagnosed me with body dysmorphic disorder. Is that really what I have? It can't be because I see the same thing in the mirror that I see in the pictures I take of myself. Pictures don't lie..do they? I don't know. Even if they did, I don't care. I just want to be pretty. I just want to be skinny. UGH!! I hate weight! I hate my body! I hate everything about me! What's wrong with me?

Unhealthy?

So I haven't been on here for awhile. 0.o Shame on me. I find it is hard to blog because I don't know what to say. I find that to be a really weird comment because my mind is always filled with thoughts. Most of my thoughts are negative. I guess I'll share what's really bothering me right now...

This week I saw my therapist like I do every week. She is worried about me losing weight. She keeps mentioning the hospital and if I'm not careful that's where I'll end up. She keeps telling me I'm unhealthy but really I'm not. I'm still at a healthy weight. I'm just at the lower end of the spectrum. She doesn't really know how much weight I've lost lately. I lost 10 pounds in the month of September. She knows what I weigh though (110).

Yesterday I was talking to my mom. I have been feeling really out of control lately. My friend just got out of the mental hospital for overdosing. It still makes me mad. It's not so much the fact that she OD'ed but more the fact that I had no clue that something was wrong. Anyways, I was telling my mom that I just haven't been doing well for the past couple of weeks. She asked me what else was wrong. I told her that I lost 10 pounds last month. She was telling me that was a lot of weight to lose. She also tried to tell me that I am unhealthy. I swear though I am NOT. I check on all the BMI calculators and all the weight charts and they say that the lowest healthy weight for someone who is 5'4" is 107 lbs. I'm still healthy according to that. I can still lose three pounds and still be healthy.

That brings me to my next point.. I haven't lost weight in over a week! It's killing me. I want to get out of the 110's. I want to reach 100. I want to be skinny the next time I see my mom. Well, skinnier anyways. I don't know. I just feel angry, disappointed, depressed, out of control, confused, and most of all, FAT and UNBEAUTIFUL. Sometimes I just feel like I want to die. I try to be positive and not think thoughts of suicide but it's hard. I'm spiraling downwards again. I was doing so good. Then my friend had to ruin it! I know she wasn't the one who ruined it really but I want someone to blame for my downfall. I'm just a mess. Sorry for my little rant. Thanks if you read all of this.

I want to...

scream.
cut.
bleed.
cry.
escape.
eat.
not eat.
binge.
purge.
write away the madness.
talk to you.
give up.
throw everything away.
leave this all behind.
be free.
fly not fall.
soar not sink.
breathe.
be happy.
not feel this way.
commit suicide.
DIE.