wow.

lots has happened since my last post.
i have completely withdrawn from school for this semester.
it's a medical withdrawl.
i am so unstable that my therapist agreed that i just cannot continue.
in fact, i cannot continue with just once a week therapy with her.
she (and my parents) came to the conclusion that i need more intensive treatment.
i have two options: a treatment center or an iop.
my therapist informed me that if i do an iop, it has to work on my ed.
when i first found this out, i did not react well.
i screamed.
i cried.
i informed my mom and therapist that i hated them.
i was so angry on the outside..
but inside, i was scared.
i'm still scared.
but what choice do i have?
i can't keep living like this.
this isn't even living.
"there's more to living than just being alive."
i'm not for sure what's going to happen,
but right now, my mom and i are shooting for the treatment center.
i'm not sure i could keep myself safe in just an iop.
this decision was not based solely on my eating disorder.
it was also based on my depression and suicidal ideation.
i've become so unstable that i just can't do anything anymore.
i had to give up school.
it was once something i was so proud of.
now it's part of what's killing me.
i have to give up my freedom.
but hopefully by giving it up temporarily,
i will gain it for life.
i'm scared.
i'm so scared.
thanks for sticking through this with me.
i'll still be around for awhile.
i'll keep you updated on what's happening.
if i do go inpatient, i'm not sure i'll be able to blog.
no need to worry about that now.
for now, i'm here.
thank you so much for being here with me.
<3