funny when you're dead how people start listening

it's i'm crazy.
these fucking thoughts in my head.
torturing me so sweetly.
haunting me.
no escape.
perfectly good day ruined by searches for self-destruct weapons.
nothing's wrong and everything's right.
who am i kidding?
nothing's right and everything's wrong.
these suicidal fantasies are becoming more and more tempting.
almost took them the other night.
being awake this late tonight prevents me from taking them tonight.
wouldn't take them anyways.
i'm too scared.
too chicken.
cried myself to sleep the other night because i "want to live"
so explain to me
why i woke up the next morning mad that i was alive.
fuck fuck fuck.
makes no sense.
people tell me i must want to live.
i'm tired of living.
this isn't living.
this is existing.
surviving without will power.
simply here.
alive outside but inside so dead.
dead.
dead.
i want to be dead.
kill me.
please?
i'll love you forever.

http://unbeautifulthoughtsofamonster.tumblr.com/

^^ Tis my tumblr. It's where I waste most of my time.

What words can I say? A picture says a thousand words. Take a picture before I disappear. Because I only need it to say one. "Good-bye."

Ocean

I’ve tried to swim in this ever-growing ocean, but it seems I’m barely treading water. My head keeps going under. My arms are flailing. I just want someone to throw me a life saver, but the rope is always too short. So many people try to throw me that line, but I can never seem to grab hold and hang on. My grip slips. The waves pull me away. I try to stay afloat in the raging waters, but I’m slowly drowning. I want to be saved. I want to get out of this ocean, but I see no land. Swimming endlessly, in a sea of misery, darkness, and hurt. Get me out of here.

Fatal 7/20/11

Drifting in and out of consciousness Alive but slowly dying
Scared but ready to move on
Her family around her crying
Her mother holds her hand
And begs her to hold on
Daddy stands there silent
Praying she’s not gone
Her breathing is more labored
Time to intubate
The tube goes in
But it may be too late
Her heart is giving out
Her organs are failing
Sounds are growing dim
Can’t hear the sirens wailing
Her eyes are open
But she’s not seeing
Slower and slower
Her heart is beating
The paramedics know they’re losing her
She’s slipping fast
Vital signs fading
Death has her in its grasp
The monitor flatlines
Quick, resusitate
But the young girl’s heart won’t start
Help arrived too late
Her parents are crying
As they spread the word
Good-bye little girl
We’ll miss you in this world

5'5"

I grew an inch. BMI 17.1 whoop-de-fucking do.

a poem

I want to spread my wings and fly
But alas, I have no wings
I want to run away from here
Away from nightmares and towards dreams
There’s few things more than what I want
Which is to disappear
I want to poof and vanish
Away from this spot here
There’s nothing wrong with where I am
It’s all just in my mind
It’s a little fucked right now
Which is never a good sign
I’m trying to behave
Like I know I should
But when everything is bad
How can I be good?
So watch me slowly walk away
From this life I do not want
Watch me disappear
In my final farewell stunt

One Less Lonely Girl

With scars on my wrists
I’ve proven what’s real
My pain never ceased
Though my cuts are now healed
With empty bottles on the floor
And the pills absorbing inside
If this kills me tonight
I’ll have proved I was alive
Because sometimes I’m empty
Sometimes I’m numb
Sometimes the pain inside
Is a little too much
I’m tired of existing
When what I want is to live
Forget surviving
I’ve got nothing to give
So I’ll take my life
And leave this world
Good-bye
Now there’s one less lonely girl.

Bottles of pills
Just calling my name
I want to take them
Erase the pain
Ever so tempting
I’ll take more than the last
Maybe this time I’ll die
Free from life’s trap
I won’t have to fight
I can finally give in
What’s the point of fighting a battle
You know you can’t win?
I know it’ll hurt others
But what about me?
Do I deserve to suffer?
I just want to be free
So I’ll take a couple handfuls
And chase them with beer
Sweet suicide I’m coming
Death I do not fear
Soon this’ll be over
And all will be fine
At least that’s how it works out
In my crazy, twisted mind

my week in few words

Fasted Monday.
Got sick from low blood sugar Tuesday.
Therapy Wednesday. Talk about hospitals and IOPs.
Group Thursday.
Graduating driver's ed Friday.
Date with a boy Saturday.
Water park and movie Sunday.