wow.

lots has happened since my last post.
i have completely withdrawn from school for this semester.
it's a medical withdrawl.
i am so unstable that my therapist agreed that i just cannot continue.
in fact, i cannot continue with just once a week therapy with her.
she (and my parents) came to the conclusion that i need more intensive treatment.
i have two options: a treatment center or an iop.
my therapist informed me that if i do an iop, it has to work on my ed.
when i first found this out, i did not react well.
i screamed.
i cried.
i informed my mom and therapist that i hated them.
i was so angry on the outside..
but inside, i was scared.
i'm still scared.
but what choice do i have?
i can't keep living like this.
this isn't even living.
"there's more to living than just being alive."
i'm not for sure what's going to happen,
but right now, my mom and i are shooting for the treatment center.
i'm not sure i could keep myself safe in just an iop.
this decision was not based solely on my eating disorder.
it was also based on my depression and suicidal ideation.
i've become so unstable that i just can't do anything anymore.
i had to give up school.
it was once something i was so proud of.
now it's part of what's killing me.
i have to give up my freedom.
but hopefully by giving it up temporarily,
i will gain it for life.
i'm scared.
i'm so scared.
thanks for sticking through this with me.
i'll still be around for awhile.
i'll keep you updated on what's happening.
if i do go inpatient, i'm not sure i'll be able to blog.
no need to worry about that now.
for now, i'm here.
thank you so much for being here with me.
<3

Forget Me

Please forget
All the pain I’ve caused
I was wandering endlessly
Hopelessly lost
I had nowhere to turn
Except into myself
Even though I know
Everyone wanted to help
I just couldn’t let them
I didn’t want to fight
I wanted to give in,
To take my life
I searched for clues
To lead me to death
Always looking for ways
To take my last breath
I was miserable living
I just wanted to die
So weak, so hopeless
Why bother to try?
I cut myself
I took those pills
Praying every time
That this time it kills
Well one day it did
Successful suicide
The end of my tears
But new ones to be cried
I didn’t mean to hurt you
I just wanted to be free
I’m sorry I left you
Just forget me

I would not be here tonight if I had to choose..

I just want it to stop. I dropped two of my four classes thinking that would solve the problem. It didn't. I have to give a speech tomorrow. I don't want to do it. I can't do it. I was meeting with my public speaking teacher and I was practically in tears. We were simply discussing my speech. How am I actually going to give it?? I'm not. It's that simple.
I think I'm going to go back to the hospital. I can't handle this.

Everything Is Beautiful

Inspired by the song Everything Is Beautiful.

If everything is beautiful,
that means I am too.
I am full of strength
and so are you.
This disorder will not beat us.
Recovery will win.
Don’t give up.
Never give in.
Life is a beautiful place
if you want it to be.
Choose to make your life better.
Choose to be free.
By choosing to recover,
you are choosing life.
With every step you take,
you make yourself fly.
Keep fighting.
Never lose faith.
Believe me when I say
you have what it takes.
I have it too.
We have so much to give.
Let’s change our lives.
Let’s start to live.
We can do this.
Believe in yourself.
Even if you slip,
there will always be someone there to help.
I love you.
It’s time you love yourself too.
Soon I’ll love me
the way you do.
Together in healing,
together in recovery.
Watch us recover.
Watch us be free.

I missed blogging

Thanks for all your support on my last post. <3

My therapist surprisingly did not ask for my weight on Wednesday. I did tell her I was below 100. Doubt she believed me though considering I still look like a whale. I was also kinda drugged that day too. I had taken a Klonopin and it knocked me on my ass. After my therapy session, I saw my psychiatrist. He put me back on Cymbalta, left my Lamictal at the dose they did at the hospital, and took me completely off my Abilify. Fun stuff. We went way over in time. Like 30 minutes almost. Oh well. We had a lot to talk about.

Umm, I dropped two of classes for this semester. Well technically I only dropped one myself. My teacher dropped me from the other one. It sucks because the class my teacher dropped me from was ASL, the class I was most looking forward to taking. :( Oh well. Maybe I can take it next semester. So now I'm left with the two classes that are actually required: Public Speaking and Compostition 2. Funnnn stuff. NOT. >.< My mom thinks I might need to change my major (forensic science). Unfortunately, I think she may have a point. I've had 3 suicide attempts this year (2 being major and while in school). Can I really handle it? I want to do it so bad but can I ever stable myself out enough to do it? I'm not sure.

I miss Misty. She's one of the staff from the hospital I was just in. It sucks that I will never see her or talk to her again. That's one thing I hate about hospitals. You form bonds with people (staff and patients) and you can't (well, you aren't supposed to) keep in contact with them. I want to stay in touch with Misty like I have with past staff. She really cared about me.

Can't wait to weigh in this morning but it's only 5 am. (I try to not weigh before 8 am if I've been up at ungodly hours in the morning.) Hopefully I'll hit a new low weight (again). On Wednesday, I was 98.8 pounds. I think I gained a little for Thursday but hopefully I'll have lost it again. People tell me I need to gain weight. My mom keeps telling me I'm going to be hospitalized if I don't stop. I pretty much laugh and say "it's not that bad", which it isn't. I am perfectly fine. (lies) I was talking to a girl on anabites.com (a ED recovery site..haha) and she says she thinks I would go residential. It's like NOOOOO! It's really not that bad. Now if I weighed my UGW (85 pounds), then maybe I could see that. But I'm just barely under 100. It's not that bad. (<--Who am I trying to convince??) Oh well. I'm just going to keep losing. I need to take progress pics but unfortunately, I do not have a mirror in my bathroom at the moment due to painting. Oh I guess I should mention we are painting our house.

Well this has been kind of long. I haven't done a post like this in forever. Thanks for reading it.

another (failed) attempt

On September 2, I overdosed. It was a rather serious suicide attempt. I ended up in ICU before going to the psych hospital. I'm no longer suicidal :) but I am still a little bit unstable. My meds were really fucked with in the hospital and I'm hoping my psychiatrist will get me sorted out today when I see him. While in the hospital, I lost 6 pounds. I was there for a week and a half. I am now at my lowest weight (99.4 after breakfast as of yesterday). I am worried about another hospitalization in my future. My therapist always told me if I went below 100, she would hospitalize me. I guess I'll find out.
On the positive side (I think..), I finally got set up with the eating disorder doctor. The appointment is in a month. That's the soonest she can see me. Think I can lose 5 (or more) pounds by then? That's not very positive. lol. Typical Debbie Downer/Negative Nancy. Oh well.
No one will probably notice this but just thought I'd say I'm alive and doing better.