Saturday, August 18, 2012

last day as a teenager

And just like that it hit me.
I am scared.
so fucking scared.
I am supposed to be getting my first tattoo today.
I'm starting to have second thoughts.
Insecurities.
Doubts.
I want(ed) this tattoo so badly.
I wish I hadn't let my mother's words stay rattling around in my brain.
Look what it has done.
Is it really about me not accepting the ink on my own skin?
or
Is this about my parents not accepting it?
Why do I crave their acceptance so badly?
I am not ready for what is happening.
Time needs to slow down or just stop altogether.
I am not ready to turn 20 tomorrow.
I am not ready for a birthday.
I am not ready for a "new year" and the expectations that come with it.
The expectations are purely my own.
They are damn near impossible to live up to.
I must say that I accomplished one goal in my 19th year.
I remained cut free through all of it.
I was only hospitalized twice which is a drastic improvement from the countless times of my previous teenage years.
19 was a good age.
Well kind of.
So much has happened in the past year and it's really amazing that I made it through as well as I did.
I was almost admitted to a long term facility.
That memory still hurts to bring up.
I doubt Halloween will ever be the same.
I finally accepted that I am gay.
I have not given in to cutting, even though the urges have been strong.
I have not given in to purging either.
I think it was harder in that aspect at times.
I have learned that no doesn't mean no for me certain people.
This year I just think I had a lot of growth.
You know what I want from this next year?
I want acceptance and self-love.
I am getting my tattoo today and those shall be the words I shall live by.

"You are where you need to be. Just take a deep breath."

1 words from my listeners:

A Quiet Battle said...

You have been through so much! I am proud of you for continuing to fight and for surviving because you are worth it. We need you here on this earth.

Don't be scared about the tatoo. Yeah, they hurt a little bit but it's awesome to have artwork on your skin. : )I remember when I got my first one people saying,"What are they gonna look like when you get old? Eww." And I'm like, "They're gonna look like old tattoos, and I'm going to be a rockin'ass grandma with stories to tell." That'll shut up the naysayers. : )

Post pics!!

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