Monday, June 4, 2012

the time has come to self-destruct.

i have fought valiantly. that's the lie i tell myself anyway. but i don't even believe my own lie. i can't hide from the truth. that's all i've been doing: hiding. i push things away. if i deny what's right in front of me, that'll make it go away. denial has gotten me nowhere. stuffing things down only makes the moments when i feel the pain that much more intense. but even when i feel the "pain", what am i even feeling?
i realize that those feelings describe many things in my life that i push down. i'm not even sure what thing i'm describing right now. how can i know? i don't want to know. just push push push. don't let the feelings surface. don't face your demons. run. hide. even though, it has gotten me nowhere so far, i refuse to stand and face the things that haunt me most.
god i have so many emotions bubbling to the surface right now. tears are threatening to spill over but i keep holding them back. tears won't solve anything. they never have.
i'm so angry. i can't tell if it's actual anger or if i'm just covering the real emotion. either way, anger and hatred are so very strong in my core right now. finding the words to say is hard, but something in me keeps telling me to write. WRITE WHAT?!
i don't understand what writing about it will do. it won't change the past. it won't change people's opinions and thoughts. no. i will still be stuck with it. and the tears begin to fall. anger's slipping into sadness, hurt. why won't it just stop? why won't my brain just forget? please please please just make the memories go away. make the feelings go away. make everything go away. i don't feel suicidal but part of me wishes i did. maybe if i was dead it would go away.
you can't think if you are dead.
you can't feel if you are dead.
i feel so trapped. i have no release. no instant gratification. i would kill to physically self-destruct but i can't. almost a year cut free. wow. stupid record. i hate records. just like i've been purge free for over 4 years. am i proud of myself? NO! i am not proud. i am disgusted. disappointed. i hate my body. i hate myself. i want to destroy the thing i hate so badly but i can't. i fucking can't. almost a year of no cutting and i still haven't found anything *positive* to make me feel better. i can't get it out. it just won't come out.
i barely have motivation to write anymore.
talking goes in circles.
other coping skills just distract. it doesn't solve the problem.
i realize cutting never solved my problem either but at least i felt better. if only for that moment.
some relief is better than none.
why am i so fucked up?
i don't even know what the fuck i am writing. this is not where i intended on going with this entry but my mind kind of took over. now i'm even more upset than when i began and i have no intent on finishing this entry with my original purpose. i am done with this entry. i can't handle it right now.

2 words from my listeners:

Simone B. said...

Oh, Amber :( it makes me so sad to here that you feel this way. I was looking at your blog the other day and I found your post about me going to inpatient, I never went. I had family therapy for 6 months and decided not to take my medicine. My parents took my phone and disabled texting. I couldn't access PT. I eventually had to take my medicine. And you know what happened? I got better. I still have bad days, but those are far and few inbetween. Have you ever tried to disconnect yourself from the community? I wanted to email you but I couldn't find you email address. You can always email me at

Simone B. said...

Hey again Amber. It's been a few months over a year since I posted that comment. I'm sorry I haven't heard from you but it might be for the best. I really hope you're doing okay, it's been 7 months since you last posted but maybe you've gotten better. Every day now is a bit more of a struggle and bad days are more frequent now but I've realized that sometimes you have to work more for recovery than you might have worked in the past. It isn't a concrete permanent thing unless you make it one. My last comment sounded sort of condescending in hindsight and I want to apologize and just reaffirm that if you ever need anything I'm still here.

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