Saturday, October 1, 2011

switch: ON

what happened?
why is this voice so loud in my head?
louder than ever before?
"look at your stomach. see that bulge? fat bitch"
"your hip bones dont stick out enough."
"get off your lazy ass and exercise"
"did you see that cheerleader at the store today? she was thin. her legs were tiny. everything you'll never be"
"purge. purge. purge."
i wish i didn't hear it.
shut up. shut up. SHUT UP.
but i know it's the truth.
ana wouldn't lie.
(forgive me for using ana but that's what i named my eating disorder. real original, huh?)
i planned on fasting today.
did i?
was i weak?
but not by choice.
my parents told me i couldn't skip lunch.
i had a parfait from mcdonalds.
no granola.
i had about half a regular powerade.
a few sips of soy milk.
stupid trips to the store.
my parents don't trust me to stay at home.
they trust the just-turned-11 year old more.
they say they enjoy my company.
how can you enjoy a moody fat bitch?
got a haircut.
i don't like it.
then came dinner.
we went out to eat.
texas roadhouse.
i was freaking out.
i didn't know the calories.
thankfully, my pt buddy looked them up for me.
i had dinner all planned.
half of the grilled bbq chicken.
steamed veggies.
originally 90 but i only ate like half.
i rounded up just to be sure.
a house salad with low fat ranch.
i didn't get the low fat ranch for some reason.
instead, i got low fat italian.
a house salad with low fat italian.
how the fuck is italian more calories than ranch?
grand total: 720.
fuck you fat bitch.
i need to exercise.
im mad about those extra 30 calories even tho i was 10 under what i originally had planned.
i feel like i'll gain.
i'm sure i really look over 100 now.

2 words from my listeners:

heiscertainlyworthit said...

Oh my God! I thought I was schizophrenic when I first heard those voices.. But the trick is to try and blot them out as much as possible when you're recovering - which is what you should be focusing on, to return to your happier self.

You are beautiful. And, you won't gain very much at all if you increase your food intake gradually, if that helps! I gained about 3kg when I gradually increased my intake. I wasn't happy about it, but it could have been worse.

It really sucks about your parents not trusting you to be on your own, but they're doing that because they love you. They will trust you soon enough.

:) xx

scared blogger said...

The voices are too strong,
I try not to post what they say in my head as that just reminds other suffers of the voices that they/we try so hard to (sometimes fight)
Im sorry u hear them too

Im also scared :'(

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