"Home Is Where the Heart Is"

They say "home is where the heart is"
Few know home is also hell
Then again no one would know
What no one ever tells
I live with a family so toxic
Our love does only harm
Most would be taken aback by the fights
But for us, there's no alarm
Fighting is normalcy
It's the calm times that are worst
In the eye of the storm
Is when the damage most likely hurts
If we never fought each other
Nothing would make us close
Other families bond through hugs
We bond grabbing at each other's throats
Our words come out as knives
That we plunge into each other's backs
Physical blows occur as well
But only behind a door that's cracked
As long as you can't see it
The blow was never dealt
But that doesn't mean no damage was done
Trust me the pain was felt
The bruises fade over time
But the cuts we deal scar
Some may not be physical
But they stay forever on the heart
Our love for one another
Is twisted to say the least
But home is where the heart is
And at home lives family.

this post is to merely say i am alive.

(love) sick?

laying in bed at 2 am feeling like you are going to throw up is so much fun.
*sarcasm*
i don't know why i feel nauseous.
perhaps it's because i've been reading love stories.
stories of girls falling in love with each other and being happy.
maybe the sickly sweet love that i'll never have is making feel so ill.
torturing myself with romance.
seeing pictures.
reading stories.
even my ipod is against me.
(i don't know why more than half of my ipod consists of love songs when i've never been in love.)
it's sad really.
wanting love.
but not having it.
people tell me they love me,
but it's not the kind of love i want.
i want someone to hold me in their arms while i sleep.
someone to hold my hand in public.
someone to kiss me and hug me and make me feel special.
here come the tears i've been holding back.
why do i always break down at night.
it's always over this.
homosexuality.
love.
being alone.
it doesn't make sense.
i hate myself so much for being gay,
yet the one thing i want is to be loved by a girl.
a girl i can call mine.
a girl who wants me back.
i am so fucking alone.
love from a family member can only do so much.
it doesn't fill this aching hole in my heart that can only be filled by some special girl who loves me.
i don't mean the friendly love that is between best friends.
i mean the love that two people share when they've found "the one".
i'm not saying i want to marry the first girl i date.
i just want to feel like someone wants me.
like someone needs me.

I just want somebody to love me.

8 months cut free as of 2/23/12

when being gay doesn't make you gay

life is not going well right now.
what is wrong?
nothing.
i just hate myself for being gay.
my parents hate me for being gay.
don't fucking talk about anything "gay" around them
or
"stop the gay talk".
i mean really?
what happened to "we may not approve, but we accept you."?
oh that's right.
it's just another lie.
another fairy tale in my head.
i'm sorry i want to talk to you about the thing that made me realize i'm gay.
a (non-canon) couple from the show glee and the actress who portray them.
i saw the looks quinn gave rachel.
the looks she got in return.
the feelings between them have grown,
along with their "friendship".
even the way the actresses look at each other in real life proved they loved each other.
i realized how badly i wanted to have someone look at me like that.
i want to look back at them.
i want somebody to hold my hand and me actually want to hold their hand too.
(sorry, this is all out of context and if you want more, i can explain privately. not going to spam you with my otp.)
it really hurts.
it really FUCKING hurts.
who knew self-hatred could be so extreme?
and no one understands.
gay kids who are outed or who come out themselves are often bullied.
i am not bullied.
no one outside my family knows that i actually see in person.
(therapist not included)
those kids who are bullied for their sexuality often attempt suicide.
i just want to say that i am so tempted to kill myself.
not because other people hate me for being gay,
but because i hate myself for it.
if this gets messed up, sorry.
it's hard to blog while crying.
i wish i had never "realized" i was gay.
i wish i could still hold onto the hope that i was at least bisexual.
but no.
i can't.
i'm no longer in denial.
all the feelings i had been pushing away because i still had "hope"
are here full force.
i swear this is more powerful than anything i've ever felt.
i know no one really gives a fuck about me and my whining about being gay,
but i need to get it out.
bottling it up isn't helping me any.
although i can't really say this helping either.
so many fucking emotions right now.
i cannot handle them.
there's more to why i'm upset but i won't bore you with those details now.
i guess that's all i've got to whine about.
my poor pathetic life.
before i end this,
i have one last thing to say.
it is for me but you can still read it.

dear self,
i fucking hate you.

it all comes back at night

i know i haven't really blogged in forever but tonight, i just had to get this out. it hurts too much to hold it in.

months ago, i finally realized that i did not like boys. for years i had questioned it. i knew i liked girls but guys were a whole other story. last year, i met david. unappreciated texts to which i shamefully flirted back to. the worst date of my life. followed by kisses which repulsed me greatly. i thought it was just because i didn't have feelings for him. deep down, i was suppressing that i wished i was kissing a girl, that i was holding hands with a girl. no, i told myself, i just didn't like him and he was a terrible kisser.

in september, i overdosed and was in the psych hospital. there i met the nicest guy. he liked me. i was sure the feelings were mutual. i flirted. he flirted. my stomach felt bubbly around him. he made me feel special. he saw me at my worst and still he wanted to be with me. problem was, he lived in oklahoma. still, we decided to date. as the weeks outside the hospital passed, i realized my feelings weren't as strong now that i wasn't seeing him every day. i told people about him.  the feelings lessened even more. he made plans to come visit me. as much as i wanted to see him, i dreaded it. i should have known then but still i denied it. but i couldn't deny that when we inevitably kissed, i would know. the day we spent together was great. i would have enjoyed it more had i not been worrying about the fateful kiss. we kissed farewell. i felt nothing. my heart broke in that moment. i was gay. i could no longer have hope for liking boys. a boy i thought i had feelings for kissed me and nothing. the first girl i kissed, who i had no feelings for, made me feel fireworks. years of denying, hoping, praying that i wasn't gay could no longer be ignored.

i can't believe how hard i am crying right now. it's a bit ridiculous.

i told my therapist first. then some of my on-line friends and my best friend who i happened to meet in the hospital.i officially came out to my parents in a family session right before christmas. they said they already knew. secretly they had hoped it was a phase. secretly i hoped so too. there was no more hoping though. it was real, not a phase. i am gay.

it's hard to admit those words. i wish i didn't have to. i'm so ashamed. "my brain is fucked up. why does my heart have to be fucked up too?"  i said that to my therapist. it's so true. why can't my heart love who it's supposed to? why can't i be straight? i know i hated god before. this made it worse. i don't understand why he hates me so much. it says in the bible that homosexuality is a sin. i was told by a pastor to resist my homosexual urges and to seek help. how can i accept myself if i don't feel like the person who made me like this doesn't accept me either? i wish i could believe that god loves me no matter what. i wish i could believe that other people love me no matter what, but i can't. i just can't.

don't get me wrong. i have nothing against homosexuals. i am all for equal rights. love is love. i know you don't choose who you fall in love with. i just wish it was different for me. i wish i could choose. i wish i could accept me. i wish i was normal, straight. i wish i could have pride, but i can't deal with being gay.

i am fighting so many urges to destroy myself, to punish myself. it just hurts so much inside. i can't. i just can't. make it stop please. just make it stop.

still alive..

that is all. if you wish to know more, ask.