that no matter how hard you push yourself, no matter how long/hard you work out, you will always be fat? Yeah, that's how I felt tonight. I did 15 minutes or so of dance. I felt like that wasn't working so I started doing sit-ups. Then I just broke down into tears. I just laid there on the floor and cried, feeling fat and helpless and hopeless. I wanted to purge. I wanted to slash my arms to pieces. Instead I laid there and cried and cried and cried. I finally calmed down enough to call my therapist. She wanted to know why I was upset. I told her I felt fat. She told me I need to get out of emotion mind and into reasonable mind. Logically I know I'm not fat, but I can't shake the thoughts/feelings that I am. My therapist recommended some skills for me to put to use. I listened to music and did some Sudoku. I still feel a little upset but not as bad as before. I fucking hate my eating disorder, but do I want to change? No, not really. Changing = fat. Fuck that.
On to other news...you know that biology test I thought I failed? I got an 85%!! I almost died of shock when I saw my grade. lol. I'm actually doing a lot better in that class than I thought I was. =D
My friend that was in the hospital is now in a group home. That was of last Tuesday. That's not the news though. She had a friend from the hospital text her yesterday telling her she overdosed and was cutting. Then her phone shut off. My buddy is very worried. I hope her friend is okay. Pray for her. My buddy has enough to worry about without her friend's stupidity.
I can't think of anything else. I still have not read blogs. I have been failing in that department lately. Sorry. =( Well I'm like uber tired and I'm waking up early to go to IHOP for breakfast. We are meeting my uncle from out of town. I just hope I'm not late for school. Okay, well good night.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Monday, March 7, 2011
proud?
This morning started off not so great. I didn't wake up until 7:50. I leave (preferably before) around 8:15. So I'm rushing around. I weigh myself. 107.6 on the WW scale. That's not as bad as I thought it would be. Still not good though. I eat a Special K bar for breakfast, then off I go to school. I'm so tired in school I can barely concentrate on the topic. I do okay though. I get through my morning classes. Time to for lunch/down time. I eat PB&J on one piece of bread with some Flaming Hot Cheetohs (yeah, real healthy..I know...). I drink some soy milk. I'm cold. I've been cold a lot lately. I went to my room and laid down. I guess I fell asleep for a little bit because my grandma came in to wake me up. I was almost late for my appointment with my therapist. Thankfully I wasn't. (I'm always paranoid I will be. I don't know why it bothers me so much. I just want to be early to everything.) The session goes well. We talk about my massage. I told her my fat bothered me more than my past. That's pretty f-cking pathetic. We talked about my dad a little bit and our relationship. I don't even know where it is. I guess we've moved past last week. Who knows? We talked about Renew and my feelings of I'm too fat for recovery. We also talked about how I feel I'm a monster because of all my bad thoughts/actions and how I hurt people. She tried to make me believe that everyone deserves happiness. I told her I didn't. Yes, everyone else does, but not me. She said I must be pretty special then. (I told this to my friend once outside of session and my friend said "haha but you are pretty freaking special!") Lastly, we talked about my appointment with my psychiatrist that was following hers. She was trying to get me to be positive about it since my last 3 appointments with my doctor have all gone horribly wrong. So anyways, I went to my appointment and it went (drum roll please.....) really well. I didn't cry, scream, or get violent. We talked like civilized human beings. We both "behaved". I'm proud of myself for keeping it together. I did good. The rest of my day was spent shopping for groceries and reading my biology book. I ate dinner. That was leftover tuna casserole. I had some candy (I really need to get out of that habit!! >.<) for dessert. I also made some raspberry tea. It was diet so it only has 5 calories instead of the 80 the regular has. 0.o Okay, well it's getting late, I have to wake up early tomorrow, and I'm tired. I didn't get a chance to read anyone's blogs but I will hopefully tomorrow. Night loves!
Sunday, March 6, 2011
just a little bit fatter
I ate a ton tonight. Tuna casserole. Oatmeal raisin cookies. Ice cream sandwich. Two cups of juice. fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat. Need I continue? I can't wait to start over tomorrow. I've been really tempted to purge again. I know I would regret it but I also know I regret keeping it down. Did I tell you guys that I almost/kind of purged when I was in the hospital? Someone told I "ate a lot for someone with an eating disorder." Then my fucking doctor said "why are they worried about you eating? you aren't underweight." Thanks asshole. Grrrr. I is frustrated with fucking comments. I'm going to bed. Good night loves. Stay beautiful.
new room
For those who haven't read the exciting news of me getting kicked out, I was..almost a week ago. I am finally getting settled into my new room. Today my parents came over to help me move furniture and stuff around. Now I just need to finish unpacking and I am all set. :) I like the way my new room looks too. It's very spacious the way I have it arranged. I have a tv with a VCR/DVD player so I can watch movies. Really, I'm going to be doing exercise whenever I want. I just need to get more workout videos. =P It's going to be sweet.
I think I've gained a zillion pounds. I've been eating candy all weekend and pigging out on chips. Fat ass = me. No lie. Any weight I had lost this month has all been put back on. God, I'm such a fat bitch. All I've done is eat eat eat. Eating = fatness = unhappiness = self-hatred = bad thoughts = bad actions = big mess. I don't like this equation. Starting tomorrow I am doing better. I have already fucked up today, but I'm not going to make it any worse. I don't need to really undo myself. I better not weigh over 108.6 (my starting weight for the month). I'll fucking go crazy if I do.
~~~~~
Sorry for no post yesterday. I was with my mom and little sister all day. Then I spent the night at my older sister's house. I didn't have my laptop and there was no way I was risking blogger on a public computer. It's risky enough on my own computer. So anyways, let me tell you about yesterday.
My mom and lil sis came to pick me up around 11 am. My mom made me change because I wasn't wearing the right colors for the KU game. 0.o It was rather silly but I didn't mind. Then we went and bought running shoes for my little sister. She is doing a 5k for her school's all girl running club. My mom is doing it with her and I wanted to join. So My mom and I got new running shoes too. Then we went to the mall to get my lil sis a costume for her school play (which I am going to be missing because of a school event >.<). We went to Target and bought a pedometer which tells steps, distance, and calories burned. I can't wait to try mine out. We did go for a run/walk up at my sister's school. I can run a quarter of a mile before my breathing starts getting all weird. Altogether we ran/walked 1.12 miles. We probably would have kept going if my little sister didn't have to pee. >.< Then I was feeling light headed and dizzy when we went to the store right after our run. I thought I was going to pass out or puke or something not good. I was okay though. I just laid down when we got home. Then it was time for my mom, older sister, and me to get our massages. I was really anxious about it given my past history. I went in there though and had a really nice time. I felt a little anxious while being massaged but I tried to just stay relaxed. The music really helped. I was kind anxious too about my scars and my fat. I kind of wanted to cry when she was doing my back because of the fat back there. I was so embarrassed. I'm sure she thought I was gross. Then I was freaking out minorly when she was doing my thighs. I hate my thighs. They are so big. Talk about embarrassing. BUT overall I enjoyed it. I've decided I'm going to go back. :) I think it was a good idea to try it. My therapist was very glad to know that I had a good time. I knew she would be worried about me so I texted her. She really cares about me. I can't understand why. I'm such a bitch to her. :( I went back to my sister's house. I ate dinner and played Skip-bo (a card game) with my mom and lil sis. It was fun. I had the hardest time going to sleep. I woke up really hot. Then I woke up really cold. My body is on like major freak out right now. Don't know what the hell is wrong with it. That leads to today which was organizing my new room. So yes. Sorry this was so long.
One last thing..reply to comments.
Glitch- Yes, Runescape (to me) is a lot of fun. I started playing in the 7th grade. I haven't been playing as much recently since I haven't had a lot of time but when I do play, I enjoy it. There are so many things (skills) to work on and there are quests to do. I like it. :)
Shannice (almost called you Shannon 0.o)- Yes, I do have a PT. I'm Amber Anorexia (haha what a joke). I haven't been going on there much lately though. I go through weird phases of sometimes I'm on there like all the time and other times I'm not on there like ever. Occassionally though I do pop on. I'll try to make an appearance every now and then. I get notifications so if you add me or comment me, I'll know.
I think I've gained a zillion pounds. I've been eating candy all weekend and pigging out on chips. Fat ass = me. No lie. Any weight I had lost this month has all been put back on. God, I'm such a fat bitch. All I've done is eat eat eat. Eating = fatness = unhappiness = self-hatred = bad thoughts = bad actions = big mess. I don't like this equation. Starting tomorrow I am doing better. I have already fucked up today, but I'm not going to make it any worse. I don't need to really undo myself. I better not weigh over 108.6 (my starting weight for the month). I'll fucking go crazy if I do.
~~~~~
Sorry for no post yesterday. I was with my mom and little sister all day. Then I spent the night at my older sister's house. I didn't have my laptop and there was no way I was risking blogger on a public computer. It's risky enough on my own computer. So anyways, let me tell you about yesterday.
My mom and lil sis came to pick me up around 11 am. My mom made me change because I wasn't wearing the right colors for the KU game. 0.o It was rather silly but I didn't mind. Then we went and bought running shoes for my little sister. She is doing a 5k for her school's all girl running club. My mom is doing it with her and I wanted to join. So My mom and I got new running shoes too. Then we went to the mall to get my lil sis a costume for her school play (which I am going to be missing because of a school event >.<). We went to Target and bought a pedometer which tells steps, distance, and calories burned. I can't wait to try mine out. We did go for a run/walk up at my sister's school. I can run a quarter of a mile before my breathing starts getting all weird. Altogether we ran/walked 1.12 miles. We probably would have kept going if my little sister didn't have to pee. >.< Then I was feeling light headed and dizzy when we went to the store right after our run. I thought I was going to pass out or puke or something not good. I was okay though. I just laid down when we got home. Then it was time for my mom, older sister, and me to get our massages. I was really anxious about it given my past history. I went in there though and had a really nice time. I felt a little anxious while being massaged but I tried to just stay relaxed. The music really helped. I was kind anxious too about my scars and my fat. I kind of wanted to cry when she was doing my back because of the fat back there. I was so embarrassed. I'm sure she thought I was gross. Then I was freaking out minorly when she was doing my thighs. I hate my thighs. They are so big. Talk about embarrassing. BUT overall I enjoyed it. I've decided I'm going to go back. :) I think it was a good idea to try it. My therapist was very glad to know that I had a good time. I knew she would be worried about me so I texted her. She really cares about me. I can't understand why. I'm such a bitch to her. :( I went back to my sister's house. I ate dinner and played Skip-bo (a card game) with my mom and lil sis. It was fun. I had the hardest time going to sleep. I woke up really hot. Then I woke up really cold. My body is on like major freak out right now. Don't know what the hell is wrong with it. That leads to today which was organizing my new room. So yes. Sorry this was so long.
One last thing..reply to comments.
Glitch- Yes, Runescape (to me) is a lot of fun. I started playing in the 7th grade. I haven't been playing as much recently since I haven't had a lot of time but when I do play, I enjoy it. There are so many things (skills) to work on and there are quests to do. I like it. :)
Shannice (almost called you Shannon 0.o)- Yes, I do have a PT. I'm Amber Anorexia (haha what a joke). I haven't been going on there much lately though. I go through weird phases of sometimes I'm on there like all the time and other times I'm not on there like ever. Occassionally though I do pop on. I'll try to make an appearance every now and then. I get notifications so if you add me or comment me, I'll know.
Friday, March 4, 2011
blogs
I have been reading blogs since about 6:30 this evening. I still have not caught up on everybody's but I will finish them soon. Sorry I haven't commented a lot but I have been reading. I tried to make a comment on the most recent post. I didn't do that on everybody's though. Sorry. I'm working on it.
~*~*~
I am very very very tired. I could barely get out of bed this morning.
School was good. I got 100% on my Criminology test. :)
I played on Runescape for the first time in a month and a half. There wasa lot of scamming with the free trade now in effect. :(
I gained .6 pounds on my Weight Watchers scale. $&*#@$^& fat fat fat.
I'm getting a massage tomorrow. Triggering? Maybe. Probably. Yes.
Much too fat for a massage. They will be touching my fat. Gross. Disgusting. FAT.
I'm tired.
Good night.
~*~*~
I am very very very tired. I could barely get out of bed this morning.
School was good. I got 100% on my Criminology test. :)
I played on Runescape for the first time in a month and a half. There wasa lot of scamming with the free trade now in effect. :(
I gained .6 pounds on my Weight Watchers scale. $&*#@$^& fat fat fat.
I'm getting a massage tomorrow. Triggering? Maybe. Probably. Yes.
Much too fat for a massage. They will be touching my fat. Gross. Disgusting. FAT.
I'm tired.
Good night.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
i failed
my biology test. I'm quite sure of that. I had no clue what the hell I was doing. Most of it was multiple choice and I knew for sure maybe 5 of the answers. Then there was also matching (did ok), fill in the blank (totally failed), and 1 short answer (totally failed). I'm pretty sure I failed. I'd be lucky to get a D. My teacher is going to think I'm stupid. I actually cried because I had no clue what the test was about. That's what I get for not reading the chapters. I just didn't have time. I read too slow and there was just too much to read. :( I'll just have to try harder in that class.
I'm making up another test tomorrow in my Criminology class. I'm much more prepared for this one. I haven't finished reading the chapter yet but I plan on doing that in the morning.
~*~*~
I lost even more weight this morning. 105. I have a question though. I have two scales, one is just a regular scale and my personal one is a Weight Watchers scale. The first two days of this month, my Weight Watchers scale added .6 pounds to my weight. This morning I was actually .2 pounds lighter on the Weight Watchers scale. I don't know which scale to base myself off of. I'm going off the Weight Watchers scale as of now because at first it was the heavier one. I don't know. Which one is accurate? I put both the scales in the same spot so that's not the problem. Hmmm. Any ideas? Also, when I weighed myself this morning fully clothed, I weighed 106.8 on both scales. Does that make a difference? I think I trust the Weight Watchers scale more though. It also tells me more info (body fat, water %, bone mass, and BMI). My BMI is 17.9. I can't wait for it to be 17.5 again. I want to get even lower. I'm going to lose as much weight as I can before I start this IOP. I have an appointment with a medical doctor on Wednesday. I'm hoping to weigh 100 by then. I don't want to stop losing weight. It feels so good. For once I feel like I'm doing good. Today I did kind of bad though. I feel like I ate a lot: cereal, a Special K bar, southwestern goulash, a biscuit, and 6 Reese's Easter eggs. I also drank a lot of vanilla soy milk. I hope I didn't gain. Guess I'll find out in the morning.
So I'm breaking my promise about reading blogs tonight. It's already 9:30 and I need to head off to bed. I have to wake up early to take a shower and shave. I should be able to start on blogs tomorrow. I'm eager to catch up on how everyone else is doing. Until tomorrow.
I'm making up another test tomorrow in my Criminology class. I'm much more prepared for this one. I haven't finished reading the chapter yet but I plan on doing that in the morning.
~*~*~
I lost even more weight this morning. 105. I have a question though. I have two scales, one is just a regular scale and my personal one is a Weight Watchers scale. The first two days of this month, my Weight Watchers scale added .6 pounds to my weight. This morning I was actually .2 pounds lighter on the Weight Watchers scale. I don't know which scale to base myself off of. I'm going off the Weight Watchers scale as of now because at first it was the heavier one. I don't know. Which one is accurate? I put both the scales in the same spot so that's not the problem. Hmmm. Any ideas? Also, when I weighed myself this morning fully clothed, I weighed 106.8 on both scales. Does that make a difference? I think I trust the Weight Watchers scale more though. It also tells me more info (body fat, water %, bone mass, and BMI). My BMI is 17.9. I can't wait for it to be 17.5 again. I want to get even lower. I'm going to lose as much weight as I can before I start this IOP. I have an appointment with a medical doctor on Wednesday. I'm hoping to weigh 100 by then. I don't want to stop losing weight. It feels so good. For once I feel like I'm doing good. Today I did kind of bad though. I feel like I ate a lot: cereal, a Special K bar, southwestern goulash, a biscuit, and 6 Reese's Easter eggs. I also drank a lot of vanilla soy milk. I hope I didn't gain. Guess I'll find out in the morning.
So I'm breaking my promise about reading blogs tonight. It's already 9:30 and I need to head off to bed. I have to wake up early to take a shower and shave. I should be able to start on blogs tomorrow. I'm eager to catch up on how everyone else is doing. Until tomorrow.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
biology
is so cool...BUT it SUCKS!! I have been doing biolgoy homework since 3:30 pm. It's now 9:30. Totally way too long. I still haven't even finished studying for the test that I'm supposed to be making up tomorrow. I'm going to fucking fail it. :( On the upside, I wrote two really awesome poems about prokaryotic and eukaryotic cells tonight. Go me! jk. I had to do it. It took me an hour and a half to write the first one. They are both almost two pages long!!! 0.o x 2904757389759734529098317563! But once I get that stuff turned in tomorrow and take my test, I will be all caught up.
~~~~~
While I'm talking about biology, I just want to say that I did my presentation yesterday..LIVE!! That's right. I got up in front of the class and presented. It was probably a 3 minute presentation but I think I still had a lot of information in there. I was just so freaking nervous that I sped talk and went through everything really fast. I did well on the question and answer portion too. :) I was very proud of myself. Everyone else I know is too. So YAY ME!! =D
~~~~~
Today I saw the lady from Renew. That went okay. She thinks I'm a good fit for the program. I'm nervous as hell about it. I don't know if I'm really ready for it though because right now all I can think about is losing more weight. I started out this month at 108.6 pounds. This morning I weighed 106.8. That's almost 2 pounds in one day. I'm glad though. The lower I can go before I start this program, the better. I want to be 102 again. I want to be sicker before I start. The lady was saying that if I got too much more sick, I would need hospitalization. I could have laughed at her right then. That reminds me of my therapist telling me I do look the part of an eating disorder. What a joke.
GAH! I have so much to tell you guys and I'm really tired and just want to go to bed. I don't know. I'll try to post twice tomorrow to get everything filled in. Until then, night!
(I promise I will start reading blogs tomorrow!)
~~~~~
While I'm talking about biology, I just want to say that I did my presentation yesterday..LIVE!! That's right. I got up in front of the class and presented. It was probably a 3 minute presentation but I think I still had a lot of information in there. I was just so freaking nervous that I sped talk and went through everything really fast. I did well on the question and answer portion too. :) I was very proud of myself. Everyone else I know is too. So YAY ME!! =D
~~~~~
Today I saw the lady from Renew. That went okay. She thinks I'm a good fit for the program. I'm nervous as hell about it. I don't know if I'm really ready for it though because right now all I can think about is losing more weight. I started out this month at 108.6 pounds. This morning I weighed 106.8. That's almost 2 pounds in one day. I'm glad though. The lower I can go before I start this program, the better. I want to be 102 again. I want to be sicker before I start. The lady was saying that if I got too much more sick, I would need hospitalization. I could have laughed at her right then. That reminds me of my therapist telling me I do look the part of an eating disorder. What a joke.
GAH! I have so much to tell you guys and I'm really tired and just want to go to bed. I don't know. I'll try to post twice tomorrow to get everything filled in. Until then, night!
(I promise I will start reading blogs tomorrow!)
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