attack of the DINOS!!

I guess today was good. No, today was good. I went to see a dinosaur exhibit at Union Station. It was so cool. They had fossils and mechanical dinos. 0.o Super sweet. Some of the dinos even moved! At the end, there was a chance to Build-A-Dino. It's the same thing as Build-A-Bear but with dinosaurs. (For those of you who don't know what Build-A-Bear is, it's a place where you can "bring to life" your own stuffed animal. You pick an animal out, put a heart in it, get the fluffy stuff put in, sew it up, and VOILA! You have a new stuffed animal. It's pretty sweet.) I wanted to do one but my grandma said it was too expensive. It's cool though. I told my mom about it so my little sister might go see it tomorrow.
After that, we came home. I tried to order my school books for the new semester but wasn't able to online. I printed out my booklist and went to the school with my grandma. I was in and out in less than 20 minutes. =) That's way better than the first time I bought my books (last semester). It was even less than I thought it would be. Online it said it would be over $600. In the store, though, it only cost around $350. I was much happier with that price. =)
We came home, again. My grandma wanted to watch her soaps so I came to my room and played on the computer. Then once my grandpa was up from his nap, I went out and said it was time to exercise. So we did our 15 minute workout (pathetic but my grandparents are really out of shape). =/ Then we played bowling (on the Wii). For some reason my ball kept curving. I couldn't get it to go straight so I gave it to my grandma. (We only have 2 remotes.) I wanted to play baseball so my grandparents let me. It was kinda hard trying to figure it out. I only played one inning. The other team scored 4 runs...BUT I scored 9!! 3 of them were even home runs! Can I say woot woot? lol jk.
We went out to dinner with my grandparents friends/neighbors. It was kind of awkward. They were all talking and I was sitting there all quiet. It was like I wasn't there. (I kinda wished I wasn't.) Then I saw this super skinny girl. I was super jealous. I had to keep myself from staring. I want to be like her..only skinnier.
Now I am back home updating PT and here. Did I tell you guys that I joined a group diet (January XYZ)? Well if I didn't, I did now. ;) I'm only supposed to have a max of 800 calories a day. Once again, I went over. It wasn't as bad as yesterday though, only 920. Still, I am such a disgrace. At least I'm not binging though. I'm just eating more. I will post my weight tomorrow. I am super scared to weigh myself though. I'm scared I gained again. I probably did 'cause I'm a fat ass. Whatever. Well good night.
P.S. Sorry my posts are always so long. This is also my own personal journal. It's better than writing everything down by hand. =P Okay, night!

2 pounds!

I gained almost 2 pounds from yesterday to today!! WTF?!! It is so gross. So much for my "progress". I have been eating like a pig today too. Obviously I want to be fat. I'm sure I'll gain tomorrow too. Why am I such a pig? I was so proud of myself yesterday morning before I ate the whole house. Now look at me. I'm back in the healthy range. No! I don't want to be healthy. I WANT TO BE SICK! I want to be able to walk into my therapist's office and have her go "Amber, how much do you weigh?" and respond "102". Then I want to say 95. 90. 85! I want her to truly see that I have an eating disorder. I want her to see how "sick" I really am, because to be honest, I don't feel sick. Maybe once I reach 102 (BMI 17.5), I will start to feel sick. But no, I doubt it. I think I will always believe that I am fat. Ugh. Fucking kill me (figuratively?).

currently feeling: fat =/

Today was a good day I suppose. I kept pretty busy. (Mom wants to keep me on a schedule.) I woke up around 8:30. I did my weigh in (106.8). I ate some french toast casserole with syrup (120) with light vanilla soy milk (70). Then I had a light yogurt (100). So it was off to a bad start food wise. My grandma and I played a crossword puzzle on the Wii. It was kinda hard but it was still fun. We woke up my grandpa so we could go to his doctor's office. On the way there, we stopped at Burger King for lunch. I got a small onion ring (310). I almost forgot about the raspberry tea. I don't know how many calories were in that. =/ Grandpa picked up his pills. Then we stopped by a couple of gaming stores so my grandma could find a workout game for the Wii. I helped pick one out. We came home and started working on the lasagna. It was really weird because the turkey breast when cooked turned white. Oh well. Once it was done, I ate two pieces (550). It was bad. It wasn't even as good as the first time I had it. =( We got the game set up on the Wii and did a 15 minute workout. It was rather easy but that was the best my grandparents could do. They had a really hard time with it. 0.o Then to top it off, I had a big bowl of ice cream (300). Horrible horrible horrible. So today I had a total of 1450 calories (not including the raspberry tea). How disgusting am I? I gained 3.6 pounds worth of food. I will definitely have gained tomorrow. =( It's okay though. I can and will lose the weight.
Well good night everybody. Have a good day tomorrow!

Okay..

I haven't posted in a few days. On Monday, things went totally wrong. My appointment with my psychiatrist was horrible. I started screaming at him, walked out while saying I was done with this, and went into the bathroom and punched the wall/mirror while screaming. Yeah, so that obviously did not go well. On the way home from my appointment, my dad was trying to talk to me in the car and I was still angry so that didn't go well either. I got home and took a two hour nap. Things were okay for awhile until my mom got home. I was trying to tell her about my appointment, but I started screaming again. Then my dad and older sister joined in. I was freaking out. I was completely manic. Then finally I ran out of the house (it was in the 20's that night) with no coat or shoes. I walked down to a busy street and laid down in the middle of the road. I was almost hit but the guy swerved out of the way just in time. I felt the force of the car on my hair. He slammed on his brakes and hopped out of the car. Some other people stopped too. They were all asking if I was okay. I just stood up and started walking away crying. The guy followed me. He talked to me and asked me if he could take me home. I didn't want to go home but I figured I should because I fucked him up enough. I mean that guy is going to be scarred for life. He took me home and talked to mom and dad. The cops came. (I guess a few people called the police.) I told them I wanted to go to the hospital. My dad told the first officer on the scene that he might need back-up. I was like no, I want to go. So the back-up arrived and they talked to me some more. Then they agreed on where they were taking me. The lady officer said she needed to pat me down to make sure I had no weapons or anything on me. I started freaking out and crying. It just brought up some bad memories. Then she had to handcuff me. I wish I wouldn't have had to been handcuffed but I wasn't going to fight. I wanted the admission to be voluntary. So we got to the ER around 8 pm. My parents met up with us there. It took FOREVER to get onto the psychiatric unit. I didn't get on the unit until 2:30 am. SJFKSKF I was super tired. Suprisingly they let me keep all my clothes even though they had strings on them. They did take my shoes though. I changed into the gowns and went to sleep. I didn't sleep well though. They woke us up around 7. I was tired and had no clue where I was going. I figured it out and went to get my vitals taken. After that, I just kinda laid back down for a little bit until it was time for breakfast. I didn't eat. I was going to drink some juice but was too scared. I took a much needed shower. It was freezing cold and people kept barging in on me. It was like jsfalkf. So I went about my first day in an adult psychiatirc hospital. I ate 5-6 bites of green beans for lunch and a salad with fat free dressing (half serving). Even with just that I felt fat.  I met with my doctor for my visit and that didn't go well. I almost freaked out after I talked to him but I kept it together. I figured he wanted me to act out and I wasn't going to give him what he wanted. I worked on a puzzle to calm down. A new girl (well technically lady) came. We started to hang out. We played Scrabble. (I won.) We also talked about ourselves. She became my roommate for a couple of hours but then she got moved out so she could be on an inclined bed. Yesterday morning I woke up feeling like shit. I mean total shit. I went to the bathroom and ended up throwing up while on the toilet (TMI?). Thankfully there was a trash bag in there. Then I went to sit in the "living room" waiting to get my vitals taken. Right after my blood pressure was taken, I could feel myself getting sick again.. I just barely got the cuff off and into the bathroom in time. Then right before breakfast, I threw up AGAIN. It was all bile. It was super gross. I haven't thrown up in ages (and no, this was not self-induced.). I agreed to eat some breakfast to hopefully settle my stomach. My stomach was still queasy after that. I went to a group and then fell asleep during goals group (accidently). After my little nap, I felt better. I ate some lunch (chicken tenders and tater tots with bbq sauce). I felt super fat. I went about my day doing the puzzle and participating in another group. I saw the doctor again and was told I was being discharged. Woot! My roomie left around 3 or 4 pm. I was all alone again. She was the only one I ever talked to there. I ate 3 slices of peaches and 1/4 of my salad for dinner. I wasn't even hungry (must have been from lunch). My parents got there around 6:30 to pick me up. I was like heck yes! It was so good to get out of there. It was seriously so boring. I mean I know psych wards aren't meant to be fun but that was just pathetic. You could do whatever you wanted really. It was all okay though. I was out and a free woman once again. I went back to my sister's house to pick up my stuff and came back to my grandparents. That's where I am now. I was kinda happy to be back because they have a scale. I weighed myself this morning and guess what I weighed. 106.8!!!!! I was super psyched. It is usually super hard to get below 110, but I did it! Next hurdle will be 100. I hope when my therapist sees me she will think I have lost weight. I've lost 7 pounds since I last saw her a week ago. =D I'm hoping I'll be down to 102 when I see here on Tuesday but I probably won't be. I just have to think positive. =) So that is my long story. I'm doing much better now. Hope you all are good.

shit

Unicorn-I have no idea how to describe egg nog. I really like it though. Maybe try a small glass next year or something. Worst case scenario is you don't like it.
*****
I feel like shit today. Woke up at 7ish this morning and was super out of it. I knew I needed some sugar in my body. I was able to find some apple juice and drank that. It helped a little but I knew I needed some actual food. I tried to eat a fruit cup in black cherry jello. It was only 100 calories. I took two bites and spit it out. I just couldn't do that. I freaked out over the pineapple (I really don't like it.). So instead, I ate a piece of cinnamon raisin bread. That really helped. I was feeling back to normal. I had to see my lovely psychiatrist this morning. That did NOT go well. I was screaming at him (again!) and finally just walked out. I ran into the bathroom crying and started punching the mirror and the wall. Thankfully I didn't break anything (in the office or my hand). I know just have some bruises. So I guess that means that I am done with that psychiatrist. I think I am done with them all. Obviously meds aren't helping. Obviously therapy isn't helping. After my session with my psych, I called my therapist and told her I was quitting therapy. She told me I had to come in to end it. I see her tomorrow for the last time, then I am done. I'm tired of failing at everything I do. My dad and (old) psychiatrist tell me I'm not doing anything to help myself. They say I am holding back. I don't see how that is the case. I tell everyone, well at least my mom and therapist, why I am relapsing into my eating disorder. They know I am depressed. My psych knew I was depressed. I seriously hate him! It's like WTF, I told him all he needed to know to help me and he did nothing. What an ass! Anyways, so after my appointment, a yelling session with my dad in the car, and a very disturbed phone call to my therapist, I went to bed. I just curled up on the basement couch and slept. I woke up to go to the bathroom and went back to sleep. I went to sleep again and woke up again having the need to pee. I woke up but this time was different. First, the toilet water had never turned off downstairs the first time after I went to the bathroom. I had to come upstairs and tell my dad. I used the upstairs bathroom. I thought I was going to die. I was so hot and just felt so funny. I was feeling like an overdose gone wrong. (Trust me though, I didn't take anything.) I took off my sweater and splashed freezing cold water on my face. By this time, my dad was freaking out asking me what I was doing in the bathroom. I came out and said I was trying to cool down. I came to the kitchen to where my laptop are at. Next thing I know, I am freezing. Goose bumps and shivering. I was that freaking cold. It's 74 degrees at my house and I am wearing sweats, toe socks, a t-shirt and my new hoodie. I am still a little cold. I don't know what is wrong with me. I had a chance to weigh myself this morning while my dad was in the shower. I weighed 112.4. I know the scale is lying. I am much fatter than that. That is also with food and liquid in my stomach. Still I'm such a fat ass. (I've kinda given up on positivity today.) So here I am, shaking and freezing cold in the kitchen. I feel thirsty but I know if I get anything, it'll only be water. As for food, I don't want it. The thought repulses me. Even the smell this morning repulsed me. Ugh, so gross. Well I just wanted to get this out. Don't know what I'm doing now but yeah. I feel dead. Okay. I guess that is all. Thanks for listening to my bull.

Day 2/Outfit 4

Today was good I suppose. I finally got out of bed at 11 am. I had been up on and off since 8 am. The cat was all snuggled at my feet so I couldn't turn over. >.< Oh well. So I got up and was informed that my sisters were going to see Tangled. I was invited so I decided I wanted to go. I didn't eat anything beforehand because I planned on snacking on popcorn at the theatre. I had maybe 30 pieces. They didn't even taste that good. I estimate those at 120 cals. A lot for something so little. The movie was good. It was kinda predictable though, but what do you expect from a Disney movie? *shrug* I came home and ate 1/2 of an apple (40 cals). My sister ate the other half. We watched Despicable Me. Everyone kept telling me that I had seen it already but I know for a fact that today was the first time I ever saw it. I didn't like it at first but it got better. :) I played on the computer for awhile. I ate dinner: a packet of oatmeal (130), 10 baby carrots with ranch dressing (75), and 1 serving of four cheese mashed potatoes (110). So I feel like that's a lot. It totals 475. That is 75 less than yesterday. (I had oatmeal (150) and a glass of egg nog (170) after my post yesterday.) I know I should feel like I'm doing good but I still feel like I'm doing horrible. I feel like I shouldn't have eaten anything. I feel so fat. Scratch that. I just have to look at it like I'm getting skinny. That's all I want, to be skinny, to be beautiful. I will be those things.
So even though I said I wasn't going to show any more pictures of myself in my new clothes, I am going to anyways. I have to because the shirt doesn't look right when it's not on someone. So yeah, here it is.

 close-up

So yeah, that's me, fatness and all. <-- When I say that, I am not looking for all the comments saying how I'm not fat and all that shizz. I'm saying it because that is how I see myself and I don't want to hear your lies. I guess that is all. Good night!

Day 1 of 2011

First let me talk about my New Year's Eve. I spent it with my family watching movies. No drinking or food (well some candy). Just good fun family time. We watched the ball drop in New York. My sister and I counted down the final seconds of 2010. Then it was WOOOOOO!!!!! lol. No really though. My sister was screaming her head off. We finished watching our movie and went to bed. It was a good night.
As for today, the first day of 2011, it's been kinda up and down. =/ I woke up at 8 am to go to the bathroom and couldn't go back to sleep. So what did I do? I got up and put in The Biggest Loser: Last Chance Workout. I couldn't do everything because I didn't have weights. I pretty much just did the cardio and not the strength training. I was so freaking dizzy and lightheaded. It was crazy. I don't think I even burned 100 calories. It was pathetic. I should do my dad's workout videos. His are called Insanity..literally. I tried doing one once but was so lightheaded I had to stop. It was pathetic. Am I just really out of shape or what? I don't understand why doing workout videos kills me. I do fine when it comes to bicycling or running (on an eliptical). Why can I not manage a simple workout video? Fat failure. No no. Enough of that. I'm supposed to be positive. Moving on..
I came upstairs and started looking at the pictures we had been looking at last night. I don't know why I wanted to trigger myself. I guess I just wanted to see myself before the eating disorders. I wanted to see pictures of myself just to see how skinny (more like fat) I was. It was disgusting to look at my body. Oh wait! I'm doing it again! UGH! Failing at my resolutions already I see. Anyways, then I got on my own computer and checked Facebook and Blogger and PT and all the other lovely sites I'm on. I drank my water trying to fill the void in my stomach. My mom wanted me to help prepare the dinner for tonight (roast beef-which I will not be eating). I was hungry so I went and looked at the calories on the cinnamon raisin bread she had bought at the store. 80 calories. Nice, simple, but still too much. I ate it and started to help with the carrots and potatoes. I was really no use so my dad had to come and help. I went about my day again on the computer. I felt gross. I felt disgusting. I wanted to scream and tear at my body. So I went downstairs and starting doing crunches, then the plank. I was so upset I wanted to cry..but I didn't. I came back upstairs and watched tv with my parents. I knew my grandparents were on the way to pick up my little sister and me. We were going to the movies. Tron was great! I loved it. It was a little confusing but good nonetheless. I ate some movie theatre popcorn. It was covered in butter. I'm going to say I ate 150 calories worth of popcorn. It was probably less than that but it is best to overestimate just in case.
So that has been my new year's day up until 5:20 pm. Don't know if I'll post later on as well but that's the start of my new year. Hope your day was great!