Scale

I did it. Today I bought a scale, my very own scale. It's a Weight Watchers one. I should get it in about 2 weeks. It feels like forever but it'll be okay. I can manage. I think I'm not going to weigh myself until my scale arrives. I know I'm gaining weight like crazy. I just want to see the truth on my new scale. Another great reason for buying my own scale is so I can quit sneaking my grandma's. I'm really scared she's going to catch me one day. I won't have to worry about it anymore though. Once my scale gets here, I'll be in good shape (not literally but I wish). So yeah. Just thought I'd share that with everybody. I'll let you guys know when I get it and what my stats are then. Can't wait!!

Total FAIL!!

So I totally broke my fast yesterday. I was pissed but I kinda had to. My lovely psychiatrist decided to put me on a new medication. It's for anxiety because apparently I "worry too much". When I tried to explain to him that the main cause of my worry was my ED and that a pill wouldn't stop the thoughts, he just ignored me. So now I take some damn BuSpar or whatever the heck it is. I'm supposed to take it with food 3 times a day. It's like seriously? FML!! So on Tuesday (Day 2 of my fast), I took it and I started having dizzy spells. I nearly passed out. That was one of the side effects so I was like ok, maybe it's just the meds. Well it happened throughout the day so I came home from school and took a nap. I thought I was better until I tried to kill a spider (<--that sounds weird but yeah.). My grandma was like ok, you're eating. So that was that. I ate. I lost all control. Then I kinda ended up binging. I binged today too. It was not good. I will not be able to lose 10-12 pounds in 14 days. Well maybe I could but only if I didn't eat that whole time. There's noo way I could get away with that. Especially not with my dizzy spells. The last thing I need is to pass out. So I don't know what I'm going to. All I do know is I have to do something different. I HAVE TO lose this weight. It's not a matter of want. It's a matter of need. Curse this life of mine!

P.S. So have you noticed I start a lot of my sentences with "so"? lol

Day 1

Today was Day 1 of my fast. I feel proud. I feel accomplished. I'm in control now. Food doesn't own me. For once I did something right. I never knew how good not eating would make me feel. I feel empowered. It's like nothing can stop me. It's incredible. I want to always feel this way.
There was a little downside to my fast today. My grandma made me drink this SuperFood juice. It's just a bunch of fruit and healthy stuff mixed into juice. I felt like I was cheating when I drank it. It was probably 200 calories. I feel kinda weak for drinking it but at least it made my grandma shut up. At least she didn't force anything more on me for dinner. Maybe she won't be so hard to escape.
I did just drink some milk. I have to take my pills with milk because I get sick when I take them with just plain water. <-- That's a psych out due to my most recent OD. So the milk (it's vanilla soy milk) was probably 100 cals. So overall 300. I guess that's not too bad. I could do better. I will do better.

Oh and this morning when I weighed in, I was 112. About 2 hours ago, I was 109! I'll see what I am in the morning.

Later. <3

Holy SH!T!

I am not doing well this weekend. I've been on a 5 day binge. Today wasn't horrible but I still ate more than I wanted to. To top off my 6 pound weight gain, I cut. I haven't cut in almost 3 months and today I just decided to say "fuck it" and cut. It really wasn't that simple. I got set off by a food comment made by my great grandma (on my dad's side) about my grandma (on my mom's side). I wasn't planning on cutting. It was when my dad's mom and dad came in to see what was wrong that things went downhill. My dad and grandma invalidated (therapy words 0.o) my feelings so I got really upset and just kinda lost it. I got out a blade from my secret stash and 1-2-3, it was done. So yes, total fail. My mom is quitting her job to move down here with the rest of us. It's just some crazy shit. I can't deal with this. But it doesn't matter. I'm going fast with my pal and I will regain control. I will be strong. I won't be weak. Watch out world..here comes the B!TCH!

Sooo...

I'm still here. *gasp* I know, right? I talked to my mom a lot last night. She is pretty much the only one keeping me here right now. I want to see her just one more time before I kill myself. I should say if I kill myself. I just feel like I'm going crazy. I'm just spiraling down in a haze. It's like I know what's happening but I can't do anything to stop it. I'm trying to keep a stable head but that's impossible with an eating disorder. <-- That's a joke. Eating disorder? Yeah right. I'm not sick enough to have an eating disorder. EDNOS? Yeah, well fuck that! If I'm not anorexic, then there is nothing wrong with me. Sorry for the slight rant.

So onto my intake for the past two days. All I can need to say is BINGE! I wouldn't be surprised to see my weight back up to 110, if not higher. I'm such a failure. I will never lose those pounds. I will never weigh 100 pounds. I will never weigh 85 pounds. I am weak. I am disgusting. I will never be enough. I see all the things I will never be and I think of the things that I am. I'm not happy this way either. I just can't seem to win.

BUT tomorrow is a new day. I'm not going to binge. I'm going to be strong. I will succeed. I will not give up. I am DETERMINED to be skinny. Just watch me. I'll do it. I'm going to prove myself wrong.

I think...

it's time. I'm tired of this. I don't want to live like this anymore. I don't want to live anymore. I am so scared of my thoughts right now. I feel extremely suicidal. I have a plan. I don't even know why I'm typing this. No one will even read it. I'm sure I sound like a total attention whore but I assure you that is not my intention. I just wanted to get this out in an attempt to save my life. I'm not sure what I'm going to do tonight. I'm thinking I might save my plan for another day since I have school tomorrow. I want it to work. I'm sick of being "saved". You want to save me? Yeah, well fuck you! Save me again and you'll be next. (<--That is directed at my family.) I'm just, I'm tired of this. I don't know what to do anymore. I just don't know. Help?

110s no more!!

OMG!! I could not believe my eyes when I stepped on that scale this morning. What did I see? 109!!! I literally screamed "YES!! I did it it!" Thankfully my grandparents weren't home to hear it. lol. I am like ecstatic right now. I just got done with part one of my workout. I'm going to do more today after dinner. I'm trying out Wii Fit Plus. Not really sure how I like it. I've only used it once though so we'll see. But I just can't believe it. I have been trying for a month to get out of the 110s. Now I finally have! It's like progress at last!! I am just so happy right now. I just can't believe it. The weird thing is was I ate like 5 pieces of candy last night. Then again, I had no breakfast and no dinner so I guess that makes up for it. But I could have done better. I need to do better if I want to keep losing the weight.

I really need to lose 10 9 pounds before Thanksgiving. That's three pounds a week. I can do that. I want to look skinny, well skinnier, when I see my mom. I want her to be proud of me for looking good. I want to show her I can do this. I can be strong. I will be strong. Yes, well I hope everyone else is doing good. Until next time!